not good enough

I'm taking my kids to the zoo
Because it is finally sunny
Because tomorrow is a school tryout day
Because soon I will no longer be homeschooling.

We are going there quickly
Spontaneously
So that we will all properly miss this time
Of freedom to get up and go.

As I tug on jackets
And pack up snacks
Ignoring academics
And Torah learning

The words of my upbringing
Pound through my head
Like train wheels:

Not good enough not good enough not good enough

Kids get away

If you have not been hiding under a rock, you have heard about the unfortunate incident at the Cincinnati zoo where a 4-year-old boy made his way into the gorilla enclosure, fell 15 feet and was tossed and displayed by a large silverback gorilla that had to be shot and killed. The story has layers: the child supposedly taunted his mom before making his break, other people were trying to stop him, the silverback seemed protective at first, the female gorillas left the exhibit but the male wouldn't, the crowd went frantic, the child was being flung around by the male.

And the chorus of haters immediately surfaced:

• mom must have been negligent
• she should have been watching the child/holding on to him the entire time
• she should have jumped in and saved him from the gorillas
• the gorilla should have been lured away with treats
• the gorilla should have been tranquilized
• ten minutes of response time is much too long
• parents should be sued by the zoo
• parents should sue the zoo
• gorillas don't belong in zoos
• the enclosure should have been higher

I am feeling sick to my stomach. Sometimes really horrible things happen, and there is nobody to blame. Sometimes it might be someone's fault, but what have been gained by pointing fingers? 

And my heart goes out to that mom in the spotlight.

I have written before about parents who claim that their children would never do that. I am impressed by the amount of parents who are confident that they are fully aware of all their children's whereabouts at all times. So in the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I will share my stories of children getting away.

My second child, 10 yo, was always a runner. Since he learned how to walk, he didn't walk, he ran. Once I took him and his brother to the zoo. He was still 3, so I brought a stroller for him, where he sat most of the time. At that zoo, the primate area was a giant loop, with one entrance/exit and exhibits off to the sides. The boys kept asking me to pick them up so they could see the monkeys. I must have been lifting them up and down for a while, alternating. At some point, they went ahead and I was catching up, with a stroller. I didn't even have texting on the phone, so no, I was not doing anything else, just following after the boys. It was getting close to lunchtime and I had to teach right after, so I was anxious to leave the area, feed them, and head back. I turned the corner and my oldest, 5 at the time, was there, but no sight of 3-year-old. I assumed he walked ahead, after all, this is a loop, so he must be at the next exhibit. I am following them, I am hoisting them up, he must have gone ahead to the orangutans where he can see without being picked up. I drag my oldest along, but 3 year old is not to be found. I come to the exit and freak out: now he could have gone into the rest of the zoo, or back into the exhibit, or I somehow missed him. I knew he was a runner, so I was staying right there, close behind, with him in the stroller. Where is he? I drag 5 year old back with me, looking closely. He protests, he cannot see any animals like this. I circle back the entire exhibit and fully panic now. He must have exited and gone into the zoo. And he's three. And I have no idea where to look for him. And I have to teach soon. What am I going to tell the school, that I am late because I lost a child at the zoo?!

Waves of gut-wrenching panic sweep over me. I find a zookeeper and tell him that I am missing a child. I remember what he was wearing (back in the day I used to get my boys dressed in bright orange or red shirts, because I knew one is a runner). He pages the rest of the zookeepers and tells them to scan for a small boy. Meanwhile, he wants to head back to the primates where we started, to look again. 

I have no pride left, just a tense ball of nerves. I am dragging my other child who is complaining and complaining. As we enter the loop yet again. the keeper gets the page that my son was found. It was wintertime during school hours, the zoo was not busy. He was spotted sitting at the table not far from the cafe area. I ran, stroller and dragged 5 year old in my wake. The boy is sitting there, unperturbed. "I was waiting to have lunch, mommy".

At least we did not make the evening news. At least he was not curious to see what the orangutan was having for lunch.

I asked him about that incident now and he did not remember it. But it still quickens my pulse just to think of it.

And another time, when we were in Costco and he and his younger sisters got away and hid in the canoes. I also looked and looked, this time for two kids. Again, swallow your pride, ask for assistance. But Costco does not do loudspeaker announcements, so I get to die again, as each associate is paged separately. My son did remember that incident. He said that the canoes looked cool and he just wanted to see what the inside of one was like, and then they crawled inside and hid not to be kidnapped...

And multiple times, in stores, when I turned around and he was gone...

It is different with my other kids.  If they get lost, it is because they got separated. They will stand there, they will not escape. My current3-year-oldd does not wander off. But I am not bold enough to declare that it will never happen because I am so vigilant.

So let's drop finger-pointing and posturing, and share your stories of kids who got away. It does not make you a bad parent, it makes you an honest one.

end of summer

Summer is drawing to a close. I filed Declaration of Intent to Homeschool for the boys. I also shopped for school supplies for 5 yo and 2 yo. I looked into Khan Academy for math and got Math Mammoth, just in case. It sounds like we are rolling into school year, yet, in a way, we were "doing school" all along. We have kept up Chumash study. 11 yo just finished שירת הים in בשלח. We skipped many Rashis and he complained plenty about the poetic language, even though he knew the words from davening. 9 yo is in the middle of תולדות. Both boys continued with taekwondo and just received a black stripe on their belts, putting just one more level between them and that coveted black belt. 9 yo begged and begged me to start violin. After ignoring his requests and wishing they would go away (and trying to sway him towards a less challenging instrument), I found a teacher for him. He has been very conscientious about it, treating the instrument gingerly and practicing. Of course, it has barely been a month, so I'm still taking "wait and see" approach, but this is definitely an unschooling step of following the child's interest.

At the zoo. They made sketchbooks and sketched some animals

5 yo, not to be outdone, wrote a note to her new aunt (who is a music teacher) to teach her how to play the piano. I'm not holding my breath on that either, but so far, she has been practicing.

Joint reading of Harry Potter

In the afternoons, the boys have been advancing through new levels of computer games. I have almost an allergic reaction to the amount of time they spend in front of the screen, but I don't have much to offer instead. Usually we are stuck indoors because one of the babies is napping, or is cranky or I have to get that dinner going or I am nursing. So let them enjoy computer time, let them figure out how to take turns and meet their own electronic needs. That will come to a close in another week, and we are all aware of it.

Nothing inspires creativity like a box of brand-new pencils.
While 11 yo and 5 yo are drawing,
9 yo is organizing them by color families.

We also made some changes in our house. They boys agreed to move their sleeping quarters downstairs, into the basement, so I can place 2 yo with 5 yo and give the other bedroom to the baby. The baby is a terrible sleeper, which causes me to be extra tired and grouchy. Then, after we put all the effort in getting her to sleep, we tiptoe into the bedroom and wake her up by rummaging for clothes, etc.

I wish to have more of a house to place all these kids, and less of a house to clean and maintain. I know that down the road, three bedrooms are plenty for our five kids, but right now, a kingdom for a spare bedroom, or even a nook where this baby can get some sleep.

Photos

Here is a small sampling of what we did this past week:

7 yo hanging by his knees and holding on to his ankles.  Over the past year, both boys got pretty strong and fearless. They also both were able to do the monkey bars, something they could not do last year.

3 yo watching an elephant while her brothers were in a homeschool class. She easilty hung out there for 20 minutes, just watching. Then we spnt 20 minutes with the lions. All different groups around us came and left, and she just watched the animals. 

Watching a stone get polished.

Rock Land created by 9 yo. Each stone represented something: red ones were lava, blue was sea with shark teeth as a stand-in for shark fins,  a geode was holding up a lonely tree.

Relaxed schooling

I have not posted much because last week everyone took turns being sick, and then we have been out and about as much as we can before the baby comes. So this is a photoblog of some of the things we have been busy with.

We finally sprouted some seeds, almost a month after Tu B'Shevat. The kids wrote the labels, put the seeds into the right compartments, and observed them for a week. They were upset when I did not let them plant the seedlings outside, but we still get frosts here. 

We went to the park to ride bikes. The oldest brought my adult-sized scooter, that my friends got for me in college, and mastered it. 3 yo finally learned to pedal on her tricycle. One of the biggest regrets about the area where I live is that you have to drive to the park, it would be over an hour walk, with crossing a major street. There is no sidewalk on our street, and our driveway slopes downward, so the kids have to be taken places to ride their bikes. The boys also got to wing with abandon, and 3 you finally decided that she's ready for a big-kid swing.

Since we do not follow a school calendar, we were able to have some friends over for President's day, who were off. The boys still had a list of scheduled things to do, but they did them quickly, since they wanted to spend more time with their friends. It worked out nicely for me, since I could focus on one boy at a time, while the other one played. Here is the whole gang, eating lunch. The secret to easy set-up and clean-up: paper goods and get everyone to pitch in.

It was also the last day of the Great Backyard Bird count. I printed out a tally sheet, explained to everyone what we are doing, and they went outside to bird watch. There was a record keeper, bird spotters, time keeper, crumb thrower, and whichever other positions they came up with.

One morning I woke up to 8 yo and 3 yo making bridges out of card stock. They were using Polly houses to test out their strength. They made a reinforced arch and strong triangle bridges, then they doubled up cardstock to see what happens and what kind of load it could take.

Yesterday, after coop classes we went to the zoo. The kids asked for the reptile house and the pandas. They finally spotted the king cobra, which previously had been hiding in one of the pipes in its exhibit. There is so much to b said for getting memberships to zoos and museums and coming there every couple weeks, so that small changes can be observed and whichever concepts are learned can be reinforced. 6 yo learned how to read by looking at the exhibit signs. That works well if I take time to read those exhibit signs, even if it is for the fiftieth time and I know them by heart!

In the Story of the World, where we slacked off for a bit, we finally came to the wars of the Greeks. One of the suggested projects was soap carving, to make Greek statues. The boys tried their best, but followed their hearts. 8 yo carved two fish, an Olmec head and a self-portrait. 6 yo carved two faces, schematically, after some crying that he is no good at carving.

Today we went to the Puppet Theater. The show was good, and there is also museum and a build-a-puppet workshop. The kids made lighting bugs. The presenter first asked about some facts about bugs, and 8 yo raised his hand and explained how the chemical reaction takes place inside by mixing two chemicals, and how bugs use it to find mates. Then there were detailed instructions on building a puppet and optional participation in putting a show together. They boys were on the team with two other kids. They worked out who will say what, and then presented it to the audience. 3 yo built her puppet with some help from me, and then went buzzing around the room, tagging other people. 

3 yo buzzing 

her own monster

reading about different kinds of puppets

In the news without photos, since we were stuck home last week, we were able to crack quite a bit of megillah with 8 yo. I offered a siyum in Lego land (his dream) if he finishes the whole thing. Being at home allowed us to do a perek a day. Today he declared that he wants to finish it up. The only problem: we did not get home from the puppet show till one, and, with lunch, did not get to schoolwork till 2. And we had the last three perakim to go, of which two are really long. He sat at it for over hours, and we got a perek and a half down. He reads the Hebrew and translates, with some help from me. I am quite proud of his skills and his perseverance.

on having fun

It is Sunday, which means laundry day. Nowadays, that means that the boys have to fold their laundry and put it away. They like this experience about as much as pulling teeth. They think it is tedious and annoying. I find it annoying when I end up washing clothes which were barely worn or never worn. Either way, I do laundry once a week, make a pile for each boy of his clothes, and it is his job to fold them and put them away.


To be honest, every Sunday morning there is also a dishwasher to unload, so there are more chores. Some days I do wonder whether this is making for a pretty intense Sunday, but I think it is important to get help from the boys in these chores, especially since it affects them directly.

We were also trying to make it out to the zoo and arrive there by 11 am, when they have a bird show. It is only on weekends, and I normally take kids to the zoo at some point during the week. Additionally, my husband was coming along and even coming in the same car with us, a rare occurrence when he's on call.

So the dishwasher was unloaded before we left, but then we got back and there were two piles of laundry waiting for the boys. 6 yo proceeded to work on his as long as I was warming up his favorite curry cauliflower soup for lunch. 8 yo was not so calm. This pile of laundry was taking away from his fun day and he really did not want to fold it. He sulked, kicked the pillows off the couch and got tattled on by 3 yo. When I asked him to put the pillows back, he said that he's mad and I said to punch something when he's mad. I sent him downstairs to punch a punching bag. He stalked off.

A few minutes later he came up, in better spirits, and proclaimed that since the day started well, he wants it to continue well, so he decided that after he folds his laundry he will take apart the broken DVD player. Then he moved right onto his pile, and finished it quite quickly. After lunch, the boys took out screwdrivers and went to tear that player apart.

I stepped back and watched all of this. The DVD player was designated to be taken apart probably a month ago, and I was wondering to myself whether I should quietly dispose of it or remind the boys of its existence. The laundry situation is the same every week. I did not promise any more "fun" for today (pizza for dinner since it is rosh chodesh). However, 8 yo decided that today started out as a fun day and he made a conscious effort to continue it as a fun day.

The other night, when I was tucking the boys in, 6 yo asked me about making wishes on a wishbone. Before I even replied (Do you think they come true? Isn't G-d in charge? etc.) he told me that he would wish for everything to be fun-fun-fun. 8 yo chimed in that he would wish to find fun in everything he does. I thought that it was cute at the time, but now I see that he took it quite seriously.

How many of us go through life waiting for someone else to make things fun and to make us happy? How many of us do not realize that we are in control of our own happiness?

No yelling today

This morning, I checked the weather and it was cloudy and cool, without any chance of rain. I decided to take kids to the zoo: because they have not been there in a long time, because they kept asking me when are we going to go and because I yell less when we are out. Maybe it's being in public. Maybe I feel better when they are doing their own learning and exploring and I can hang back. Maybe because I like trips.

Also, at breakfast table, I announced to the boys that I will try to yell less. I kind of asked them to help me out, both by listening and by reminding me not to yell. 8 yo did remind me once. I thought I was still keeping my cool, but I guess he sensed the elevation in tone before I did, so I stopped. The kid who was being "addressed" stopped, too.

So we did go to the zoo. 6 yo checked sheep for cud chewing and split hooves, good thing they complied. 2 yo requested zebras, which turned out to to be giraffes. Her mistake is partially explainable, since both animals are kept in the same enclosure. 6 yo tried catching a parakeet. 8 yo blew all of his allowance money on a projector and toy snakes. We ate lunch next to a large group of adults in wheelchairs. I learned that 8 yo has sensitivity not to point and talk loudly about them. 6 yo still is working on this.

After the zoo, we drove straight to my chiropractor. By the time we got home, it was after 4. That's when I started thinking about shabbos, and the grocery run that did not happen. That's when 8 yo dropped on the floor, whining about getting leftovers for dinner. That's when I eyed the laundry, still piled in the laundry room. That's when I realized that I forgot to do my Nach Yomi from yesterday (I have been on top of it, for the most part). That's when my husband texted me that he is doing a c-section in about half an hour, which meant that he won't be home for dinner, or to tuck the kids in.

That's when I started having second thoughts about spending the day at the zoo.

Now the kids are in bed, some sort of shabbos is being cooked, challah is rising, and my husband is grocery shopping on his way home.

At least I did not spend the day yelling. But was all this worth it?

overdoing it

I wish I could say today was better...

I went to work out at 6 am. I came out exhausted instead of energized.

I packed up everything the night before, planning to go to coop classes and then to the zoo which is in the same park as coop. Everything except the ipod which I use for music during story time. The ipod was in the car, so I sent kids out in the morning to get it so I could update playlist. It took three kids 15 minutes and minute instructions to find it.

Then we got to the classes. I led the toddler class, while the boys did Destruction and Fun with Numbers. 8 yo came out of his class with a Shmusophone, which he proudly wore around his neck and extracted interesting sounds from. 6 yo came with number kite which he took for a flight outside.

I spent the next class time cutting out bunny ears for next week's story time. Then the boys made sugar cube pyramids held together with frosting. They were convinced that it is not kosher, but I checked with the teacher and reassured them that they can eat it.

Then we went to the zoo and lunched there. I told boys the could have five sugar cubes off their pyramids. I printed out a page asking each one to find five kosher and not kosher animals and to write them down. Then, at home, we were supposed to look up their names in Hebrew. We started with pandas which were awake and sprawled on their backs, eating bamboo. I told boys to try to sit/lay in that position and eat.

Next was tigers/carnivores. 6yo got his head inside a giant skull. Then we walked to Komodo dragon, and 6 yo wrote it as his non kosher animal. He camped out next to the sign and copied it. We spent a while in the reptile house, and boys found lots of non kosher things there.

Then they complained that there are no kosher animals in the zoo till 6 yo remembered the giraffe. On the way we saw a duck, so that also made the kosher list. The giraffes were amazing, trying to eat leaves off the tall tree with their long purple tongues. That's where 8 yo's list got blown out of his hands and into giraffe's enclosure. He got very upset and I was hoping he would come up with some kind of solution.

Parakeet house was next. I was tired and thought that my whole idea of a list was a bad one. The boys, meanwhile, found some sticks with a few grains still stuck to them and tried getting parakeets to come and sit. There is a lot of patience required in waiting out a parakeet. I did not have it then, but boys persisted in holding their sticks and luring the birds.

Next, I walked the boys to the farm and the remembered that sheep and goats are kosher. 6 yo checked out the hooves and they both brushed them. 2 yo was very tired by this point. She is also afraid of goats, but this time, she asked to go in.

For the final activity, we did a train ride and a carousel ( our zoo has passport program where if you come very month for 6 months, you get the rest of year carousel and train for free).

By the time we got home, 2 yo was fast asleep, 6 yo was complaining about the song in the car and I was done. I asked the boys to help me bring in all the objects from the car. That's when 8 yo kicked a 6 yo and marched everyone home and declared pajama time. By the lack of complaints, I know it was a wise choice.

For dinner, we were supposed to have fish and chips. I told boys that if they peel the potatoes, I will fry them, otherwise, it will be something else. 6 yo started on peeling and promptly peeled his finger. 8 yo took over, but got distracted in the middle by a bug in the sun room. I figured that if he does not come back, the potatoes are just not happening. He returned after 10 minutes and finished those potatoes.

Right after dinner, I collapsed onto the couch.

Each part of the day was fine, but altogether, it was too much.