I'm writing this on chol hamoed Succot. In Hebrew, moed means a designated time, an appointed time, a time of meeting. Holiday, as in "holy day" is a very loose translation, as it is not the sanctity of the day that is celebrated. Rather we acknowledge that year after year, Hashem/ mishkan/ shechina calls to us, and we show up. We do not always bring our best selves when we show up, despite what numerous divrei torah and frum writing makes one to believe. We do not always show up in the neatest and most prepared state, despite what sharing on social media leads us to believe. In fact, some years, we do not want to show up at all.
But where would we be if we did not show up? Where would we be if we did not have this protected time to find ourselves yet again in our succah, in shul, at the seder table, during hakafot, thinking, remembering and contemplating where we were in years past and comparing to where we are now?
Shabbos can feel oppressive, especially where there are small kids napping in the morning and afternoon, and older kids get listless. Yet I appreciate Shabbos as the "only time I sit on the couch" in my daughter's words. I wanted to be doing more, working on Nach Yomi ( don't even ask where I stand in my personal learning), reading over parsha, davening, having deep and meaningful conversations about what matters with my spouse. But I am not. However, I am grateful that I find myself forced to sit on that couch once a week and take a break from the external world, take stock in where I am now, what am I feeling, and not being pressured to run around and do something or other. It is not a high level of observance, but it is a designated time, forced upon me for my own good.
I am very good about yom tov observance, but I am not good at designating time that is not thrust upon me. Whether it is my upbringing, my uptight personality, the circumstances, not knowing how to do it myself, or not being selfish, I do not end up designating this protected time for reflection. I am not talking about pampering, but it is part of essential self-care. There is so much to do, and so little time. So I scurry and wipe behinds, nap kids, feed them, do chumash, grocery shop, sneak on Facebok and tackle laundry. But I do not say: this afternoon is for blogging because mommy needs a written record of how today went. This half an hour is for journalling because I need to pour my heart out. When the baby will nap I will call my friend and connect. Today I will plan a night away because I just need to sleep in and not be responsible for anyone else's needs.
I wonder if rosh chodesh was supposed to be a women's holiday precisely to force women to take monthly stock of their lives and stop doing.
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2016
Friday, March 20, 2015
teaching responsibility and other lessons
My oldest is a dreamer.
He is distracted.
Disorganized.
Scatter-brained.
Loses things.
Creative and cannot be bothered to clean up.
By this point, either you are nodding your head in agreement, or shaking it in frustration. I used to think that this is a reflection of my lack of organization, or poor parenting skills. When he was in kindergarden, I was told how he was the only kid whose lunchbox was not in his cubby, and neither was his backpack. His jacket was on the floor instead of being hung up.
I thought that by homeschooling him I will be able to fix this character flaw. I will be on top of him, I will make him clean up, he will suffer the consequences, and we will get this straightened out. That was good five years ago. The rest of the kids are pretty good about putting their things away, and being responsible, but this child is still stubbornly refusing to be molded into an obedient citizen of our household.
The boys take taekwondo, which comes with a pristine white uniform. Before they received their uniforms, they were given a speech on its proper treatment. It is their responsibility, and they are supposed to keep track of it and keep it clean. The boys are also teaching a taekwondo class at our homeschool coop. For the class, they change into their uniforms, and then change back into regular clothes. 8 yo packs his up in a plastic bag. Now imagine what a child-who-cannot-be-bothered does with his... I'm lucky if he rolls it up and tucks it under his arm as he rushes out.
This Wednesday, I had a particularly hard time getting kids out the door. When I got to the van and had to negotiate with the three older kids how sticks/magic wands are not allowed inside, while simultaneously attempting to buckle up 2 yo, I noticed 10 yo's uniform by his feet, with his muddy shoes planted right on top. I pointed this out, more like yelled at him yet again.
When we got to the park, and the boys saw their friends, all bets were off. They did change into their uniforms to teach the class, and then changed back afterwards. 8 yo was very upset about what was going on during class (kids not listening, his brother not sticking to the script that they wrote beforehand, being stuck trying to teach younger kids while the older one showed off his forms to the older ones), yet he changed, placed his uniform into a plastic bag, and asked me to unlock the van to put it inside. 10 yo dropped his on the ground, and went into the woods with his friends. I did not pick it up for him.
When it was time for me to leave the park, I told both boys that all their possessions are their responsibility. They both nodded distractedly, and ran off with their friends.
As I drove home, I was pretty sure that 10 yo just abandoned his uniform and his belt in the park. He did not realize that it was missing till 7:30 that night. Then he wanted to drive back to the park to go looking for it, RIGHT NOW! I said that I have a class to go to (I really did), and that I do not have time to go looking for something that he did not bother to take care of. My husband started getting worried, too: 10 yo was supposed to get tested the following day, and how is he going to test without a uniform? I said that it should concern him more than it concerns us. 10 yo said that if he has no uniform, he does not want to test. I asked him what his plan is from now on: what is he going to do next time he's in class? He started ranting about taekwondo. I said that he can buy himself a new uniform with his allowance money. He said that he just spent it all on Pokemon cards. I asked about his savings, and he said that he had none. I suggested calling the dojang, explaining the situation to his master, and finding out whether he can still test tomorrow.
Then I left for my class.
When I got back, my husband said that 10 yo did call, and was told that he can get a new uniform before the test. They worked it out that my husband will lend him money, and then he will have it withheld from his allowance until the value is paid off.
The next day, I took 10 yo early enough for his testing to get fitted for his uniform. He went into the office, definitely subdued and nervous. Then he came out, beaming: "The Master gave me a new uniform! And he said it is a present! I don't have to pay for it!"
You are one lucky ducky. Just when I thought you will be taught a lesson about responsibility and consequences, you get handed an article as a present. On top of this, even though he lost his belt, and now had a white belt on, he was lined up in his proper placement, instead of in the back, with the white belts. I was starting to wonder whether this unexpected excessive kindness is undermining the lesson to be learned.
He tested well, and he answered quite a few questions thrown at him. He even got congratulated on his great knowledge. As we were driving back, and I could not hold back and remarked how he lucked out on his free uniform, he said: "Mom, I davened to Hashem, and he answered me. I paid special attention to Shema Koleinu, and Hashem sent me a great day, with a good resolution. Come to think of it, any time that I ask Hashem for special things in Shema Koleinu, he helps me. When I just rush through and don't ask, nothing happens. How does it work?" I said that preparing mentally before davening, and thinking which the good things to request helps one outline the steps necessary to achieve the desirable goals. Of course, one must still ask Hashem for assistance, so that everything goes according to the plan.
10 yo learned a lesson from his taekwondo experience. It might not have been a lesson that I had in mind (and I'm not holding my breath that his distracted ways will change so quickly), but he drew his own conclusions. I also wonder how many lessons I remember due to the kindness of someone who should have been strict with me, instead of having an exact punishment meted out.
He is distracted.
Disorganized.
Scatter-brained.
Loses things.
Creative and cannot be bothered to clean up.
By this point, either you are nodding your head in agreement, or shaking it in frustration. I used to think that this is a reflection of my lack of organization, or poor parenting skills. When he was in kindergarden, I was told how he was the only kid whose lunchbox was not in his cubby, and neither was his backpack. His jacket was on the floor instead of being hung up.
I thought that by homeschooling him I will be able to fix this character flaw. I will be on top of him, I will make him clean up, he will suffer the consequences, and we will get this straightened out. That was good five years ago. The rest of the kids are pretty good about putting their things away, and being responsible, but this child is still stubbornly refusing to be molded into an obedient citizen of our household.
The boys take taekwondo, which comes with a pristine white uniform. Before they received their uniforms, they were given a speech on its proper treatment. It is their responsibility, and they are supposed to keep track of it and keep it clean. The boys are also teaching a taekwondo class at our homeschool coop. For the class, they change into their uniforms, and then change back into regular clothes. 8 yo packs his up in a plastic bag. Now imagine what a child-who-cannot-be-bothered does with his... I'm lucky if he rolls it up and tucks it under his arm as he rushes out.
This Wednesday, I had a particularly hard time getting kids out the door. When I got to the van and had to negotiate with the three older kids how sticks/magic wands are not allowed inside, while simultaneously attempting to buckle up 2 yo, I noticed 10 yo's uniform by his feet, with his muddy shoes planted right on top. I pointed this out, more like yelled at him yet again.
When we got to the park, and the boys saw their friends, all bets were off. They did change into their uniforms to teach the class, and then changed back afterwards. 8 yo was very upset about what was going on during class (kids not listening, his brother not sticking to the script that they wrote beforehand, being stuck trying to teach younger kids while the older one showed off his forms to the older ones), yet he changed, placed his uniform into a plastic bag, and asked me to unlock the van to put it inside. 10 yo dropped his on the ground, and went into the woods with his friends. I did not pick it up for him.
When it was time for me to leave the park, I told both boys that all their possessions are their responsibility. They both nodded distractedly, and ran off with their friends.
As I drove home, I was pretty sure that 10 yo just abandoned his uniform and his belt in the park. He did not realize that it was missing till 7:30 that night. Then he wanted to drive back to the park to go looking for it, RIGHT NOW! I said that I have a class to go to (I really did), and that I do not have time to go looking for something that he did not bother to take care of. My husband started getting worried, too: 10 yo was supposed to get tested the following day, and how is he going to test without a uniform? I said that it should concern him more than it concerns us. 10 yo said that if he has no uniform, he does not want to test. I asked him what his plan is from now on: what is he going to do next time he's in class? He started ranting about taekwondo. I said that he can buy himself a new uniform with his allowance money. He said that he just spent it all on Pokemon cards. I asked about his savings, and he said that he had none. I suggested calling the dojang, explaining the situation to his master, and finding out whether he can still test tomorrow.
Then I left for my class.
When I got back, my husband said that 10 yo did call, and was told that he can get a new uniform before the test. They worked it out that my husband will lend him money, and then he will have it withheld from his allowance until the value is paid off.
The next day, I took 10 yo early enough for his testing to get fitted for his uniform. He went into the office, definitely subdued and nervous. Then he came out, beaming: "The Master gave me a new uniform! And he said it is a present! I don't have to pay for it!"
You are one lucky ducky. Just when I thought you will be taught a lesson about responsibility and consequences, you get handed an article as a present. On top of this, even though he lost his belt, and now had a white belt on, he was lined up in his proper placement, instead of in the back, with the white belts. I was starting to wonder whether this unexpected excessive kindness is undermining the lesson to be learned.
He tested well, and he answered quite a few questions thrown at him. He even got congratulated on his great knowledge. As we were driving back, and I could not hold back and remarked how he lucked out on his free uniform, he said: "Mom, I davened to Hashem, and he answered me. I paid special attention to Shema Koleinu, and Hashem sent me a great day, with a good resolution. Come to think of it, any time that I ask Hashem for special things in Shema Koleinu, he helps me. When I just rush through and don't ask, nothing happens. How does it work?" I said that preparing mentally before davening, and thinking which the good things to request helps one outline the steps necessary to achieve the desirable goals. Of course, one must still ask Hashem for assistance, so that everything goes according to the plan.
10 yo learned a lesson from his taekwondo experience. It might not have been a lesson that I had in mind (and I'm not holding my breath that his distracted ways will change so quickly), but he drew his own conclusions. I also wonder how many lessons I remember due to the kindness of someone who should have been strict with me, instead of having an exact punishment meted out.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
the bunny
Maybe we are suckers, but I would like to refer to this as being "big-hearted people". Now we have a custody of a white bunny.
A few weeks ago, 7 yo was coming back from shul at night with my husband. When they got home, they excitedly told me about spotting a white rabbit sitting under a bush right at the side of the road, not far from our house. 7 yo told me how he got very close to this rabbit, almost touched it before it ran away. I joked about whether it was a rabbit at all, and how weird it is that it is all white. We have a few regular grey rabbits in the neighborhood. Then I started wondering whether it is somebody's pet that escaped.
Next morning, as we were all going to shul, we spotted exact same rabbit, sitting in the exact same spot. It gave chase once the kids got too close, but I became sure that it is somebody's. Now we have a busybody lady on our block ( doesn't every block have one?!), so my husband went to knock on her door and inquire whether anyone is missing a rabbit. Sure enough, she said that our neighbors' bunny got away, and they are unable to catch it. This got the boys all fired up. They started planning mission "rescue the bunny", a la Wonderpets style. I chuckled, thinking that if the owners cannot catch it, we might not stand a chance. I was also hoping that it would not become roadkill in the meanwhile.
Since then, we have been seeing it here and there, lurking in the bushes. This week, the bunny made an appearance on our lawn. The boys gave chase, with IKEA collapsible hampers. The bunny was faster. Then, on Friday afternoon, it came back. The boys grabbed the hampers and followed. There was a a cartoonish chase around the pine, with 9 yo chasing the bunny running around and around, but he got him in the end. The boys triumphantly called my husband, who closed the hamper up, and the bunny was in the process of being returned to its owners. I stayed at home, washing the dishes and cooking something or other. Next thing I know, the boys are running back home, announcing that they are giving the bunny to us, with the cage and all. My first reaction was: absolutely not! I also know my husband well enough to know that he would not willingly accept this rabbit without consulting with me first, so I knew that something was up.
I walked over, and saw the father of the family calmly tell us that they got this bunny for their daughter six months ago, but then she got tired of it, so they just let it go. I mean, they just threw it out of the house. Then it transpired that our next-door neighbors already captured this bunny once, returned it, and the owners did not want it back, so they threw him back out. The father was being nice and said that we can just let him go, or if we want to keep him, he will give us the cage and food.
Who the heck throws out a pet, especially a totally domesticated albino rabbit? Who teaches their kid that this pet is there when you want it, and when you don't want it, off it goes? Now I saw why we were getting this rabbit. It is almost miraculous that it lasted outdoors as long as it did.
All of this was taking place on Yom Tov, so I was quite worried that I don't know how to take care of this rabbit. The cage that the owner gave us was a bird cage, with those three little lift-up doors. You had to dismantle the top to get the bunny in. Then there was some dried pellet food, which the bunny at first refused. There was no water bottle. I figured that we will feed it lettuce and carrots for a day, till Shabbos ends, and then I can look up how to properly care for a rabbit.
As we were walking home, I explained to the kids that we are just keeping this rabbit temporarily, until I can find it a nice warm family to take care of it. My baby will be crawling any day now, and I know that I will not be able to keep him out of rabbit's food and droppings. I also know that the time is not right for us to get a pet. My cup runneth over just from homeschooling and taking care of the house, so having a pet will just add to the stress.
On Shabbos morning, we sat down to learn some parsha not far from the rabbit. Al of a sudden he closed his eyes and just collapsed. I looked at this with horror: the rabbit passed right before my eyes! The kids seemed not to notice, so I let it be for a moment, and that was a good thing, since five minutes later the rabbit was done with his nap, got up, and brushed himself, as if nothing had happened. Whew!
Last night, after Shabbos I went and did some online research. I found out that water is a must, and that the rabbit's diet should be mostly hay. The carrots, celery and lettuce that we fed him over Shabbos are OK, but they could bother his digestive system. Clover was apparently a good treat, so before 8 am the boys were outside, collecting clover for the bunny. One of them found a four-leaf clover...
Then we went to the pet store, to get hay and the water bottle. I asked about them taking the rabbit back, but they said that they cannot do it, only put it with a sign for adoption. They also recommended finding a classroom that is interested in keeping a pet, since they have a special grant program where the store would supply the cage, food and training.
Was it so hard to find a new home for this bunny? Did he have to be kicked out? Why couldn't the neighbors take five minutes to think what to do with him before cruelly setting him loose?
Finally, I am not so sure how halachically OK it was for us first to capture this rabbit, and then to take ownership on Yom Tov, but somewhere between the lesson of hashavat aveida ( returning a lost object) and tzaar baalei chaiym (not inflicting suffering on animals) I think my kids learned a few valuable lessons. Oh, and I hope that whenever we will be ready for a pet, they will take the responsibilities that come with it seriously.
I much rather be called a sucker than heartless.
A few weeks ago, 7 yo was coming back from shul at night with my husband. When they got home, they excitedly told me about spotting a white rabbit sitting under a bush right at the side of the road, not far from our house. 7 yo told me how he got very close to this rabbit, almost touched it before it ran away. I joked about whether it was a rabbit at all, and how weird it is that it is all white. We have a few regular grey rabbits in the neighborhood. Then I started wondering whether it is somebody's pet that escaped.
Next morning, as we were all going to shul, we spotted exact same rabbit, sitting in the exact same spot. It gave chase once the kids got too close, but I became sure that it is somebody's. Now we have a busybody lady on our block ( doesn't every block have one?!), so my husband went to knock on her door and inquire whether anyone is missing a rabbit. Sure enough, she said that our neighbors' bunny got away, and they are unable to catch it. This got the boys all fired up. They started planning mission "rescue the bunny", a la Wonderpets style. I chuckled, thinking that if the owners cannot catch it, we might not stand a chance. I was also hoping that it would not become roadkill in the meanwhile.
Since then, we have been seeing it here and there, lurking in the bushes. This week, the bunny made an appearance on our lawn. The boys gave chase, with IKEA collapsible hampers. The bunny was faster. Then, on Friday afternoon, it came back. The boys grabbed the hampers and followed. There was a a cartoonish chase around the pine, with 9 yo chasing the bunny running around and around, but he got him in the end. The boys triumphantly called my husband, who closed the hamper up, and the bunny was in the process of being returned to its owners. I stayed at home, washing the dishes and cooking something or other. Next thing I know, the boys are running back home, announcing that they are giving the bunny to us, with the cage and all. My first reaction was: absolutely not! I also know my husband well enough to know that he would not willingly accept this rabbit without consulting with me first, so I knew that something was up.
 |
| His name was Snowflake, but since he's a boy, 9 yo renamed him Blizzard |
Who the heck throws out a pet, especially a totally domesticated albino rabbit? Who teaches their kid that this pet is there when you want it, and when you don't want it, off it goes? Now I saw why we were getting this rabbit. It is almost miraculous that it lasted outdoors as long as it did.
All of this was taking place on Yom Tov, so I was quite worried that I don't know how to take care of this rabbit. The cage that the owner gave us was a bird cage, with those three little lift-up doors. You had to dismantle the top to get the bunny in. Then there was some dried pellet food, which the bunny at first refused. There was no water bottle. I figured that we will feed it lettuce and carrots for a day, till Shabbos ends, and then I can look up how to properly care for a rabbit.
As we were walking home, I explained to the kids that we are just keeping this rabbit temporarily, until I can find it a nice warm family to take care of it. My baby will be crawling any day now, and I know that I will not be able to keep him out of rabbit's food and droppings. I also know that the time is not right for us to get a pet. My cup runneth over just from homeschooling and taking care of the house, so having a pet will just add to the stress.
On Shabbos morning, we sat down to learn some parsha not far from the rabbit. Al of a sudden he closed his eyes and just collapsed. I looked at this with horror: the rabbit passed right before my eyes! The kids seemed not to notice, so I let it be for a moment, and that was a good thing, since five minutes later the rabbit was done with his nap, got up, and brushed himself, as if nothing had happened. Whew!
Then we went to the pet store, to get hay and the water bottle. I asked about them taking the rabbit back, but they said that they cannot do it, only put it with a sign for adoption. They also recommended finding a classroom that is interested in keeping a pet, since they have a special grant program where the store would supply the cage, food and training.
Was it so hard to find a new home for this bunny? Did he have to be kicked out? Why couldn't the neighbors take five minutes to think what to do with him before cruelly setting him loose?
Finally, I am not so sure how halachically OK it was for us first to capture this rabbit, and then to take ownership on Yom Tov, but somewhere between the lesson of hashavat aveida ( returning a lost object) and tzaar baalei chaiym (not inflicting suffering on animals) I think my kids learned a few valuable lessons. Oh, and I hope that whenever we will be ready for a pet, they will take the responsibilities that come with it seriously.
I much rather be called a sucker than heartless.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
cleaning
I did put the kids to work this Friday. I discovered that we owned two Swiffers, so 7 yo and 3 yo became the "Swifferers of the Day". They picked up everything in their room, and wiped the floor, then moved on to my room: "That's where all the dust bunnies are!" proclaimed 7 yo. Meanwhile I wiped the toilets and sinks (thank G-d for Clorox wipes and that we do not have a gazillion bathrooms). 7 yo mopped the bathrooms and then we moved on to the laundry room. The cleaning people have not been quite good there ever, just mopping a small floor area that was showing. Since this time I was in charge, I took out everything and the floor was quite grimy. 7 yo attacked it with a mop, even under the fridge. I got to throw out a bunch of things, send a double stroller to the garage and organize a few others. Since the baby was up and 9 yo was with his mishna teacher, this was not a major project, just a few minutes or so. I made sure to comment on how clean the floor looked and 7 yo beamed.
Then, when 9 yo was finished, we tackled the living/dining room area. First all the things were picked up, then 9 yo came up with the idea of putting chairs on the table to sweep under. When he was sweeping the living room, I discovered a crazy amount of dirt in between couch cushions. Since my kids like to vacuum, I offered it as a job up for grabs. 3 yo and 9 yo shared it, working out who will unwind the cord, turn the vacuum on and vacuum each section. Finally, as they were getting ready to put the couch back together, 9 yo decided to rearrange the furniture in the room. I told him not to block the air vents and gave him carte blanche. He first pushed an armchair into one corner, then tried getting a couch next to it, then decided to get a yardstick to measure the couch's length to see whether it will fit. It wouldn't, so he moved the armchair out. 3 yo was helping by carrying the baskets from the toy shelves. I helped swing the furniture corners. I kept thinking, it will take five minutes to put back the way it was, so why not? He pushed the couch against the door frame, and made an armchair into a throne. 7 yo popped up from his reading and said that he does not like the couch blocking that doorway, so they pushed it further into the room. Next they added a poster and a map to the walls and started playing some kind of ranger training game.
When my husband came home, he took one look at that room, also said that he does not like it and also added that it is easy to rearrange back. I guess we unschooled him, too. He said how he surely did not get to move furniture around as a kid. I thought, they are not painting walls or anything, they are making the room to their liking. They spent a chunk of the day cleaning the house and all of a sudden they have a stake in it. Later, 9 yo asked to mop the kitchen. He used a bit too much water, so it took a really long time to dry, but it was OK at the end.
At the end of the day, I came to a few realizations. Our house is nowhere near as dirty as I imagine it to be. It is even not that messy, otherwise the kids would not be able to get everything off the floor so quickly. Other people do not have a stake in the cleanliness, so if I want it cleaned a certain way that shows caring ( like moving things out of the way instead of cleaning around them), I am better off doing it myself. The kids are quite eager to help if they are given a meaningful task. The kids will "own" their cleaning if they have a stake in what they are doing. Maybe they will even make less mess eventually. Finally, it will probably take a year of weekly cleaning to get everyone into a routine of it. It took over a year for the boys to work out how to unload the dishwasher fairly and not grumble about it. It took the boys a year to fold and put away their laundry. Am I ready to usher the era of new level of responsibility? Will I get fed up with imperfect job and just jump in and end up doing it myself, grumbling that nobody cares about anything around here? I do not know now. I did clean the house myself before I got pregnant with the baby. I consciously decided to outsource cleaning. I just like to know that I can rally my troops if need be and get the job done.
Then, when 9 yo was finished, we tackled the living/dining room area. First all the things were picked up, then 9 yo came up with the idea of putting chairs on the table to sweep under. When he was sweeping the living room, I discovered a crazy amount of dirt in between couch cushions. Since my kids like to vacuum, I offered it as a job up for grabs. 3 yo and 9 yo shared it, working out who will unwind the cord, turn the vacuum on and vacuum each section. Finally, as they were getting ready to put the couch back together, 9 yo decided to rearrange the furniture in the room. I told him not to block the air vents and gave him carte blanche. He first pushed an armchair into one corner, then tried getting a couch next to it, then decided to get a yardstick to measure the couch's length to see whether it will fit. It wouldn't, so he moved the armchair out. 3 yo was helping by carrying the baskets from the toy shelves. I helped swing the furniture corners. I kept thinking, it will take five minutes to put back the way it was, so why not? He pushed the couch against the door frame, and made an armchair into a throne. 7 yo popped up from his reading and said that he does not like the couch blocking that doorway, so they pushed it further into the room. Next they added a poster and a map to the walls and started playing some kind of ranger training game.
When my husband came home, he took one look at that room, also said that he does not like it and also added that it is easy to rearrange back. I guess we unschooled him, too. He said how he surely did not get to move furniture around as a kid. I thought, they are not painting walls or anything, they are making the room to their liking. They spent a chunk of the day cleaning the house and all of a sudden they have a stake in it. Later, 9 yo asked to mop the kitchen. He used a bit too much water, so it took a really long time to dry, but it was OK at the end.
At the end of the day, I came to a few realizations. Our house is nowhere near as dirty as I imagine it to be. It is even not that messy, otherwise the kids would not be able to get everything off the floor so quickly. Other people do not have a stake in the cleanliness, so if I want it cleaned a certain way that shows caring ( like moving things out of the way instead of cleaning around them), I am better off doing it myself. The kids are quite eager to help if they are given a meaningful task. The kids will "own" their cleaning if they have a stake in what they are doing. Maybe they will even make less mess eventually. Finally, it will probably take a year of weekly cleaning to get everyone into a routine of it. It took over a year for the boys to work out how to unload the dishwasher fairly and not grumble about it. It took the boys a year to fold and put away their laundry. Am I ready to usher the era of new level of responsibility? Will I get fed up with imperfect job and just jump in and end up doing it myself, grumbling that nobody cares about anything around here? I do not know now. I did clean the house myself before I got pregnant with the baby. I consciously decided to outsource cleaning. I just like to know that I can rally my troops if need be and get the job done.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
on having fun
It is Sunday, which means laundry day. Nowadays, that means that the boys have to fold their laundry and put it away. They like this experience about as much as pulling teeth. They think it is tedious and annoying. I find it annoying when I end up washing clothes which were barely worn or never worn. Either way, I do laundry once a week, make a pile for each boy of his clothes, and it is his job to fold them and put them away.
To be honest, every Sunday morning there is also a dishwasher to unload, so there are more chores. Some days I do wonder whether this is making for a pretty intense Sunday, but I think it is important to get help from the boys in these chores, especially since it affects them directly.
We were also trying to make it out to the zoo and arrive there by 11 am, when they have a bird show. It is only on weekends, and I normally take kids to the zoo at some point during the week. Additionally, my husband was coming along and even coming in the same car with us, a rare occurrence when he's on call.
So the dishwasher was unloaded before we left, but then we got back and there were two piles of laundry waiting for the boys. 6 yo proceeded to work on his as long as I was warming up his favorite curry cauliflower soup for lunch. 8 yo was not so calm. This pile of laundry was taking away from his fun day and he really did not want to fold it. He sulked, kicked the pillows off the couch and got tattled on by 3 yo. When I asked him to put the pillows back, he said that he's mad and I said to punch something when he's mad. I sent him downstairs to punch a punching bag. He stalked off.
A few minutes later he came up, in better spirits, and proclaimed that since the day started well, he wants it to continue well, so he decided that after he folds his laundry he will take apart the broken DVD player. Then he moved right onto his pile, and finished it quite quickly. After lunch, the boys took out screwdrivers and went to tear that player apart.
I stepped back and watched all of this. The DVD player was designated to be taken apart probably a month ago, and I was wondering to myself whether I should quietly dispose of it or remind the boys of its existence. The laundry situation is the same every week. I did not promise any more "fun" for today (pizza for dinner since it is rosh chodesh). However, 8 yo decided that today started out as a fun day and he made a conscious effort to continue it as a fun day.
The other night, when I was tucking the boys in, 6 yo asked me about making wishes on a wishbone. Before I even replied (Do you think they come true? Isn't G-d in charge? etc.) he told me that he would wish for everything to be fun-fun-fun. 8 yo chimed in that he would wish to find fun in everything he does. I thought that it was cute at the time, but now I see that he took it quite seriously.
How many of us go through life waiting for someone else to make things fun and to make us happy? How many of us do not realize that we are in control of our own happiness?
We were also trying to make it out to the zoo and arrive there by 11 am, when they have a bird show. It is only on weekends, and I normally take kids to the zoo at some point during the week. Additionally, my husband was coming along and even coming in the same car with us, a rare occurrence when he's on call.
So the dishwasher was unloaded before we left, but then we got back and there were two piles of laundry waiting for the boys. 6 yo proceeded to work on his as long as I was warming up his favorite curry cauliflower soup for lunch. 8 yo was not so calm. This pile of laundry was taking away from his fun day and he really did not want to fold it. He sulked, kicked the pillows off the couch and got tattled on by 3 yo. When I asked him to put the pillows back, he said that he's mad and I said to punch something when he's mad. I sent him downstairs to punch a punching bag. He stalked off.
A few minutes later he came up, in better spirits, and proclaimed that since the day started well, he wants it to continue well, so he decided that after he folds his laundry he will take apart the broken DVD player. Then he moved right onto his pile, and finished it quite quickly. After lunch, the boys took out screwdrivers and went to tear that player apart.
I stepped back and watched all of this. The DVD player was designated to be taken apart probably a month ago, and I was wondering to myself whether I should quietly dispose of it or remind the boys of its existence. The laundry situation is the same every week. I did not promise any more "fun" for today (pizza for dinner since it is rosh chodesh). However, 8 yo decided that today started out as a fun day and he made a conscious effort to continue it as a fun day.
The other night, when I was tucking the boys in, 6 yo asked me about making wishes on a wishbone. Before I even replied (Do you think they come true? Isn't G-d in charge? etc.) he told me that he would wish for everything to be fun-fun-fun. 8 yo chimed in that he would wish to find fun in everything he does. I thought that it was cute at the time, but now I see that he took it quite seriously.
How many of us go through life waiting for someone else to make things fun and to make us happy? How many of us do not realize that we are in control of our own happiness?
Thursday, August 23, 2012
dinner is served
 |
| the meal |
 |
| carrot arrangement |
 |
| mashing the apple sauce |
Oh, and I hope to hear fewer complaints about leftovers.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
the art of bread making
Quick accomplishments, by the kid:
I called boys to unload the dishwasher and set up the table for dinner. When they were not coming fast enough, I discovered that they were actually cleaning up a Pokemon game. They used to leave things like that for some hazy later, which never happened. We also ended up having most of our dinner meal in Hebrew. I didn't know how to say "string beans", but the kids knew orez (rice), dag (fish), mitz (juice), mayim (water). They also thought it was great fun, and kind of started it themselves.
I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths and to look at the big picture. There is such a drive to get something accomplished NOW, that sometimes it is hard to realize that skills take a long time. I keep looking at all the things that were such a struggle for 6 yo last year, and now they are going much smoother. A child is like a loaf of bread: you cannot hurry up the dough to rise, nor you can bake it super-quickly. To get a good result, everything needs to take time.
- 2yo can recognize "Publix", both the logo and the word. She pointed it out on her body wash, a bag of flour, seltzer. (Now you know where I prefer to shop!) I gave her Chobani yogurt yesterday. While eating it, she told me that it has her name on it. She meant that it has Ch, just like the beginning of her name. She can also orally continue patterns: red, blue, red, blue, etc. She spent a lot of time making "birthday cake" with geoboard. And she is working hard on memorizing a few of her favorite books.
- 6yo finally got the hang of tying his shoelaces. We tried last year, but it was an exercise in frustration. This time, the first time I showed him, he was able to tie them. His math is going smoothly, he wants more greater than/less than problems. He got his first notch in tae kwon do. He reads books to 2 yo, when he's in the mood. He is riding his bike.
- 8yo wrote another ambitious plan for today, with 20-plus points. By late afternoon, he accomplished six. He wrote Chumash and math first, and those went well. Right now, he is reading his way through Yahadus textbook, based on Rambam's Sefer haMitzvot. He informed me that he reached his first mitzvah derabanan.
I called boys to unload the dishwasher and set up the table for dinner. When they were not coming fast enough, I discovered that they were actually cleaning up a Pokemon game. They used to leave things like that for some hazy later, which never happened. We also ended up having most of our dinner meal in Hebrew. I didn't know how to say "string beans", but the kids knew orez (rice), dag (fish), mitz (juice), mayim (water). They also thought it was great fun, and kind of started it themselves.
I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths and to look at the big picture. There is such a drive to get something accomplished NOW, that sometimes it is hard to realize that skills take a long time. I keep looking at all the things that were such a struggle for 6 yo last year, and now they are going much smoother. A child is like a loaf of bread: you cannot hurry up the dough to rise, nor you can bake it super-quickly. To get a good result, everything needs to take time.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
whose kids are these, anyway?
There has been a lot of discussion about this article:
http://www.jidaily.com/
Now, imagine, that all your kids will be home with you, all the way till they turn 18. No preschool, no day school, no yeshiva, no high school. For the argument's sake, let's assume that you are unschooling them, to the degree that you do not have to formally teach them anything. Your only job is to feed them, clothe them and keep them healthy, and let them tag along in daily doings of the household.
Does this plan send shivers down your spine?
Is it because you do not know what to do with all of them?
Is it because you cannot spend so much time with your family?
Is it because you kids will fight the whole time?
Is it because you cannot imagine running an errand with all of them hanging around?
You probably had too many kids.
Before you pelt me, hear me out. Somewhere out there, there is a limit on how much you can handle. But that limit should not be yeshiva tuition. That limit should not be set by your friend, who had her fifth, while you only had your third.
That limit should be set by the fact that these are your children. It is your job to teach them manners and middos. It is your job to tuck them in at night and slay their monsters. It is your job to cheer at their successes and hurt with their failures. It is your job to look at them as little humans, and not projectors of your aspirations. It is your job to help them map out their goals and then reach them.
Tracy Hogg of the Baby Whisperer talks about "accidental parenting". She refers to patterns that parents accidentally fall into and then unwittingly reinforce till they have a problem. She is talking about babies: not napping, nursing round the clock ( ok, now attachment parenting enthusiasts can stone me too), waking up at night. She says that you have to be your baby's expert. Why do we assume that by the time kids start school, that expertise miraculously switches from parents to teachers? Why are we in such a rush to transfer the authority?
There is a famous Bar Mitzvah blessing that a father says: now I am free from the punishment that is due to this boy. Now, that my child is 13, he is responsible for his actions. But till that point (and in our infatuation with prolonged childhood, I think that age is 18-21) the parent it responsible. Not the day school, not the principal, not the rebbe, not the friends. The parent is.
The original schools were set up for orphans. Everyone else was taught by their parents. Somehow, all the great rabbis of Mishna, Gemara, all the commentators were taught at home and. somehow, managed to become great Torah scholars. I am assuming that most of them did not have parents who were Torah scholars, but the attitude must have come from within the household.
I think we are approaching the tuition crisis from the wrong end. I think that if home education would be a viable competition to dayschool, the dayschools would be compelled to provide what they were supposed to provide in the first place: education for those who cannot get it any other way. For this to happen, parents would have to approach parenting as a full-time job, as a career, as an avocation.
So before we complain about tuition crisis, I would like to hear complaints about those over-the-limit children, the ones that parents keep producing for the community to parent.
http://www.jidaily.com/
Now, imagine, that all your kids will be home with you, all the way till they turn 18. No preschool, no day school, no yeshiva, no high school. For the argument's sake, let's assume that you are unschooling them, to the degree that you do not have to formally teach them anything. Your only job is to feed them, clothe them and keep them healthy, and let them tag along in daily doings of the household.
Does this plan send shivers down your spine?
Is it because you do not know what to do with all of them?
Is it because you cannot spend so much time with your family?
Is it because you kids will fight the whole time?
Is it because you cannot imagine running an errand with all of them hanging around?
You probably had too many kids.
Before you pelt me, hear me out. Somewhere out there, there is a limit on how much you can handle. But that limit should not be yeshiva tuition. That limit should not be set by your friend, who had her fifth, while you only had your third.
That limit should be set by the fact that these are your children. It is your job to teach them manners and middos. It is your job to tuck them in at night and slay their monsters. It is your job to cheer at their successes and hurt with their failures. It is your job to look at them as little humans, and not projectors of your aspirations. It is your job to help them map out their goals and then reach them.
Tracy Hogg of the Baby Whisperer talks about "accidental parenting". She refers to patterns that parents accidentally fall into and then unwittingly reinforce till they have a problem. She is talking about babies: not napping, nursing round the clock ( ok, now attachment parenting enthusiasts can stone me too), waking up at night. She says that you have to be your baby's expert. Why do we assume that by the time kids start school, that expertise miraculously switches from parents to teachers? Why are we in such a rush to transfer the authority?
There is a famous Bar Mitzvah blessing that a father says: now I am free from the punishment that is due to this boy. Now, that my child is 13, he is responsible for his actions. But till that point (and in our infatuation with prolonged childhood, I think that age is 18-21) the parent it responsible. Not the day school, not the principal, not the rebbe, not the friends. The parent is.
The original schools were set up for orphans. Everyone else was taught by their parents. Somehow, all the great rabbis of Mishna, Gemara, all the commentators were taught at home and. somehow, managed to become great Torah scholars. I am assuming that most of them did not have parents who were Torah scholars, but the attitude must have come from within the household.
I think we are approaching the tuition crisis from the wrong end. I think that if home education would be a viable competition to dayschool, the dayschools would be compelled to provide what they were supposed to provide in the first place: education for those who cannot get it any other way. For this to happen, parents would have to approach parenting as a full-time job, as a career, as an avocation.
So before we complain about tuition crisis, I would like to hear complaints about those over-the-limit children, the ones that parents keep producing for the community to parent.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
some general musings
I think the real reason people are afraid to homeschool is that all influences in child's life become family-centered. You cannot blame teachers, morahs, babysitters, friends, bullies, etc for the way the child turns out. YOU, as a parent, are solely responsible for that. It is true even if your child is not homeschooled, but then it is easier to blame problems and lack of success on others. When the child is with you, day in and day out, you just see yourself and all your character traits reflected back.
Our local dayschool printed a letter from the principal, reinforcing that while school provides academics, the middos ( positive character traits) come from home. Schools do not teach kids to behave, parents do. Now, the thought of that sometimes leaves me so overwhelmed, that I want to hide under the covers and not see the light of the day. I am really afraid of irreparably screwing up my kids. But, on the other hand, this is a real opportunity to work on yourself. Your kids will learn not only from your nice moments, but also from the moments when you are short-tempered; when everything is falling apart; when you lose it. I think there is a lot to be said for learning how to lose it consciously. Say to yourself: I am losing it; this situation is infuriating, but what do I want my child to take away from it?
This "working on yourself" brings me to another issue which I keep observing in myself, as well as in others. Where do your energies flow? When kids are tiny babies, all energies naturally flow to maintain them: to feed them, to change them, to get them to sleep. Once they are not so tiny, all of a sudden you find yourself with surplus of energy. (For me it happens around the time the youngest is two). What are you doing with it? Do you place it into making your house spotless and your kids prisoners of only one "messy" area? Do you place it into Shabbos meals to stun others, while your kids would happily eat chicken and potatoes? Do you feel that now you need to find a job, so that you have approval of others while the little people who look up to you are now forced to look up to someone else? Do you find a new fad to follow, which will take your energy and then you will be too busy and tired to read a book to your kids before they go to sleep? Or will you take that energy and use it towards your family's needs, whether it means playing a board game, taking your kids to ride bikes, reading umpteenth book for the umpteenth time, or answering your child's question in a thought-out manner.
I am not for people martyring themselves for the sake of the children, but I am against accidental parenting.
Our local dayschool printed a letter from the principal, reinforcing that while school provides academics, the middos ( positive character traits) come from home. Schools do not teach kids to behave, parents do. Now, the thought of that sometimes leaves me so overwhelmed, that I want to hide under the covers and not see the light of the day. I am really afraid of irreparably screwing up my kids. But, on the other hand, this is a real opportunity to work on yourself. Your kids will learn not only from your nice moments, but also from the moments when you are short-tempered; when everything is falling apart; when you lose it. I think there is a lot to be said for learning how to lose it consciously. Say to yourself: I am losing it; this situation is infuriating, but what do I want my child to take away from it?
This "working on yourself" brings me to another issue which I keep observing in myself, as well as in others. Where do your energies flow? When kids are tiny babies, all energies naturally flow to maintain them: to feed them, to change them, to get them to sleep. Once they are not so tiny, all of a sudden you find yourself with surplus of energy. (For me it happens around the time the youngest is two). What are you doing with it? Do you place it into making your house spotless and your kids prisoners of only one "messy" area? Do you place it into Shabbos meals to stun others, while your kids would happily eat chicken and potatoes? Do you feel that now you need to find a job, so that you have approval of others while the little people who look up to you are now forced to look up to someone else? Do you find a new fad to follow, which will take your energy and then you will be too busy and tired to read a book to your kids before they go to sleep? Or will you take that energy and use it towards your family's needs, whether it means playing a board game, taking your kids to ride bikes, reading umpteenth book for the umpteenth time, or answering your child's question in a thought-out manner.
I am not for people martyring themselves for the sake of the children, but I am against accidental parenting.
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