summer is coming

It is June. End of school year is nearing or already passed. It seems like a good time to draw some conclusions, see where we are holding.

I started a vegetable garden after a long hiatus. We had wooden boards leftover from the deck construction that have been sitting for all these months. I wanted to make raised garden beds because local clay soil is not conducive to plant growth. Every simple DIY project called for circular saws and power tools. I don't own any of them. I could not manage to be around when others could help me. Desperately, after digging through my husband's toolbox and coming up empty, I went to Home Depot on Mother's Day and bought L-shaped brackets for the corners. At that point, the kids came out to "help". Then my husband appeared, drilled the holes and voila, after months, I had garden beds.

I planted some veggies and begged the kids to keep the backyard gate closed, lest the deer, rabbits and other local wildlife would eat the plants before us humans.

My oldest graduated from middle school. He is going out of state to yeshiva high school next year. I have been very careful to separate my feelings about it from his feelings. He seems to be excited about the idea. I am excited for him. This past year it felt like he was dragging his feet, not getting anything out of school. A change was necessary. Change ought to be good.

12 yo just finished the review of Beshalach today. That is four parshiyot covered this year. His Hebrew reading has improved, even though he balked at any and all approaches that I tried. Somehow, it clicked enough to be smooth enough when he is calm enough. However, Hebrew is still gibberish to him. The shorashim mean nothing. He flails in the dark, not sure what goes where.

I found a gymnastics/parkour place for 12 yo. They also have classes for 8 yo sister. It is not around the corner, but at least I found a place and signed them up. They seem to enjoy the lessons. 12 yo is especially looking for teachers that do not put kids down.

We are babysitting two geriatric guinea pigs. A friend got them from someone who was moving and then she went out of the country for three weeks. Good thing we practiced on my daughter's class pet. The average lifespan of a guinea pig is 6-8 years and these guys are 9. I feel that this is a very easy assignment: no need to bond, train, discipline, contain. Just feed the piggies and keep them comfortable. Try to keep them alive, but if they happen to kick the bucket while on our watch, well, that's old age... They are cute. The kids enjoy them. 3 yo has gotten quite gentle with them, although she keeps moving their castle houses because leaving them alone and observing them with her eyes is not an option. I am considering this a trial run for pet ownership.

3 yo is potty-training. It had to happen one day, and that day was a day before an 8-hour car ride for Shavuot. She is still working on bowel movement, but no pee accidents and dry all night. We have not shut down the pool (yet).

Speaking of the pool, we will be living there this summer. I have four swimmers! I am even finding myself enjoying pool time because there is much less watching required. 5 yo has been trained by me to swim and then his older siblings took over, especially 12 yo. He has been encouraging and working with his little brother, teaching him to dive, to swim in the deep end, and even to go down the water slide. That leaves me just 3 yo to watch. That girlie got comfortable near the water. She can stand in the shallow end of the deep pool, which was a large confidence booster. Within a few times, she started jumping into the pool, putting her face in the water, blowing bubbles and even attempting to swim in the baby pool. I sort of hope that she will learn how to swim by the end of the summer. All of this happened without swim lessons. When the kids are ready, they will try things. When the kids are gently encouraged by an adult in the water without pressure to do this today and that tomorrow, they will develop their own timeline and set their own goals. My 5 yo son was SURE that he will have to be 7 or 8 until he'll be ready to go down the water slide, and I was not so sure whether his timeline was wrong. But then he got enough encouragement and support from his siblings to try it. No, he is not interested in stroke refinement. He is interested in being dumped into 11 feet of water.

Oh, and 12 yo somehow almost finished 7th grade Khan academy math... And he is excellent with little kids. And he knows exactly the right thing to say to a child who is feeling down. And he gives awesomely sincere pep talks. If only he would apply them all to himself...

The kids are not going to Jewish summer day camps. I do not trust the leadership. I do not trust that anyone out there cares for the well-being of my children. I love the concept of a Jewish summer camp as a positive experience of Judaism, but I am no longer naive (or desperate). I wish it were not so. I wish I would get a week's break from all the kids' management. But it looks like camp Mommy all summer long. Zoo, science museums, pools and parks, here we come!

Conflict of interest

I signed up for a drawing class with 11 yo. We signed up together because he expressed a rare interest in doing something outside of his comfort zone. I signed up because I have been waiting my whole entire life to take art classes. First it was not for me, then how would I make a living like that, because artists are starving... then I could not afford the supply fee that accompanied art classes in college and then there was no time and no money and no place to take them. And finally, finally I live within a short distance of an art center and they offer a glorious selection of multimedia classes. I took an evening class in acrylics followed by watercolor. It quickly became evident that I need to get the basics of drawing down first. When I was looking at the selection, trying to avoid Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays, I saw a mid-morning class. I asked 11 yo whether I can leave him at the house to take that class or whether he wanted to take it with me. He wanted to sign up, and I dared not breathe from happiness. I imagined us drawing together, learning side-by-side.

Now, these classes are my outlet, both for creativity and as a chance to experience "flow", get swallowed by an activity, let the time pass unnoticed. I so rarely experience flow that I forget how I need it. Blogging took a hit because with teens I am up and talking and dealing with them late into the evening. If I want to do anything immersive, I need it on the calendar and away from home. I am not aspiring to produce the next work of art, but I am treating this time as a therapy of sorts. And I really, really need it.

Every class comes with a supply list. We printed it out and hit Hobby Lobby. marveling at the materials. 11 yo seemed intrigued. When we attended the first class, everyone was asked to disclose their level of training and what they were planning on getting out of the class. Everyone was older than me by at least a decade. Three people were retired. I think it was a confidence boost to hear that everyone was a beginner. 11 yo jumped in, but I saw that he was not exactly taking all the creative risks that the teacher recommended. Then we sketched at home. He seemed excited to practice what he has learned.

11 yo sketching out of his own free will

The following week I made a mistake of scheduling an early morning appointment with a psychologist for 11 yo. I can probably write a whole angry megilah about childhood mental health professionals who refuse to help you and think it is perfectly fine to tell it to the child's face. It was a total waste of time, accompanied by lowering of self-esteem for 11 yo. That was not exactly the best way to be going into doing something hard and outside of your comfort zone. And now we were late to class, 40 minutes late. I felt that missing that time from a two-and-a-half hour class that is not graded is not a big deal. I told as much to my son, grumbling about all the time we wasted that morning. But he realized that we were late, and not a little bit late, but ridiculously late, and he started asking to go home. Now I used to be super anally punctual. My old self would probably preferred to go home and hide under the covers too. My new chutzpadik self proclaimed that there is more than enough class time to salvage and I am going in. My son refused. I gave him an option to join me at any point, or to hang out in the library next door. He buried himself in a comic book.

This week, my 2 yo has been sick. I called on my MIL to watch her so I could take 11 yo and myself to the class. She came. 11 yo woke up crabby, declared today to be a bad day and notified me that he quit drawing. I kept cursing the psychologist for the damage he did the previous week because this week my child did not attempt sketching. He probably felt that he fell hopelessly behind, despite my assurances that every class could be free-standing. I used all my calm arguments trying to coax 11 yo to come. He flat out refused. No reasons were given except that he quit and he's not coming. I told him that I expect him just to come and sit in on class, not necessarily draw. On that note, staying calm, I told him that I am starting up the car and I will be waiting for him. he said sadly that I will be waiting for a long time.

I went to the car and sat in there, as promised. The clock was ticking. I'm reading a book on meditation. I have taken yoga. I know about putting yourself in timeout, counting to ten, to a hundred, deciding that it is not that important, not worth the fight, letting go. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe...

But I couldn't. This class was important to ME and I was missing MY class time dealing with my child who declared that he is not coming. I had to psych myself into going, into jumping in, into believing that at the end of eight weeks I will get all the necessary sketching skills under my belt. I had to believe that I am not frustrated suburban housewife dallying in art without any talent and what a waste of time and money anyway! And you are abandoning a sick child!

...I had been so good about not butting heads with 11 yo. I had been flexible, understanding. I dropped a whole lot of academic expectations, just let him be, worked on the relationship, listened to his side, tried to understand what it was like to be him. But now he was at odds with what was best for me. I want so little, and now one thing that was supposed to be purely for me became about HIM.

I stormed back into the house. As promised, he was on the top bunk, hiding in the blankets. I told him firmly that I expect him to come right now! And I do not want to count. And I do not want to punish. And I do not demand much. But he was not coming. I yelled how I hate quitters and people who do not try. He did not respond.

I walked out and drove to my class, late yet again.

Unless you have a difficult child, of the kind of "difficult" where psychologists decide that they will not handle this, you might not understand what day-to-day life feels like. I cannot overpower his will, I cannot punish him, I cannot produce enough consequences to make him do the things that he decides to refuse to do. Moreover, he usually does not have a solid reason why he dug in his heels. I just feel that I made a big mistake with trying to take this class together because this is setting up the ground for a conflict every single week and poisoning one activity that I could have claimed as my own.

A Wednesday

I am tired. Oh so deeply, essentially tired.

I don't want to whine about how tired I am.

I had a bad night of sleep. 11 yo got braces on his upper teeth and an expander and the pain kicked in in the middle of the night. He marched over at 3 am for a dose of Tylenol.

Not everyone had lunch packed this morning. 13 yo was having a picture day at school, but it was on me to remind him the morning of that he needs to bring a suit on a hanger. 11 yo refused to eat breakfast due to braces and inability to chew his usual morning fare: a bagel. No alternatives would do. He would not think about what to pack for lunch for the homeschool coop classes coming up later in the day. He refused to daven. He refused to go. He refused to do any schoolwork, to listen to any suggestions on how to deal with his teeth, or to offer any of his own. And the whole time I kept coaching myself internally: do not yell, it's his anxiety talking, do not yell, it will make it worse, do not yell...

I packed my lunch. I wiped the kitchen windows. I washed out the recycling bin.

He did get in the car when it was time to leave. He acquiesced to a water bottle, but no food. We listened to iPod in silence during the drive. I felt drained already.

I taught my class. 11 yo is in my class, and he was super jittery the entire time: pacing, touching, blurting things out. I find teaching exciting and draining, even if it's just middle school chemistry to five homeschool kids. My mom called in the middle. We have been taking coop classes on Wednesdays for six years, but she still called when I was teaching.

Then I assisted in another class. 11 yo freaked out about a forgotten password, then he recalled it. I helped paint some rocks. I had lunch. I chatted with other moms, all the while keeping an eye on the clock for the afternoon carpool. 11 yo came over to graze. He had a few crackers. I tried to pretend that it is normal to skip breakfast and lunch, nothing to worry about.

I left at 2 pm. 11 yo seemed agreeable to finding something to eat at home while I would drive carpool. I meekly suggested that he look over his schoolwork and see if he can do anything on his own. I dropped him off and zoomed to preschool to get 2 yo. She was sleeping, and sleepily transferred to her car seat. Then we zoomed onto the highway to get the rest of the kids from their school.

By some sheer miracle (and the existence of people more organized than I) I am part of a carpool where I have to drive only 2-3 times a week instead of 10 times. However, since there are six kids loading into my car, it is never smooth. These ones do not want to sit with those. That one is touching this one. This one is eating. That one is sort of trying to say a bad word while talking about it. These ones are just annoying. That one is loud. And they all have been cooped up in the school building since 8 am and now they are set loose in my car. I used to talk to my kids when we drive places. I used to think they were loud. But this is a whole new level.

But today was not bad. Today they even loaded quickly enough for the carpool lady not to hustle anyone. I had same iPod going and as long as it was playing, they seemed quiet. I checked my messages to see who is dropped off where today. Mind you, it is 4 pm now and I have been driving since 2.

We get home. 13 yo and 7 yo change into their bathing suits for swimming. Years ago, when I just started homeschooling, the boys tried out for a swim team and were not able to swim enough to qualify. Now it is a whole different story. We live a five-minute walk from the JCC. There are no major streets to cross. 13 yo is legally old enough to babysit. But JCC apparently has a rule that he is not old enough to be 7 yo's guardian while she is attending swim practice. They are not just splashing in the pool, they are attending an organized class, but they need to be watched by a legal; guardian. So they cannot walk over there and back on their own, and they cannot be left there unsupervised while they are swimming. I am very upset by this. Have I known this, I probably would not have signed 7 yo up. 13 yo is old enough to get there and back on his own. And I wonder: we keep complaining how kids nowadays are so ill-adapted to independent living, how millennials are such spoiled brats, how they don't know how to be tough. Why do we set up such rules in place that keep kids on a short parental leash for so long? How are large families supposed to manage this? I tried bringing my younger kids to practice, but it is no fun keeping 2 yo for half an hour away from the pool's edge. Besides. she was just in the car for over an hour. All she wants to do is come home, chill and play.

My only solution was to ask 11 yo if he so kindly would not mind watching his two younger siblings at home while I watched his two older siblings at the pool, twice a week. He agreed, but today both younger siblings disagreed. I ended up shoving two older kids out to the door, leaving 11 yo in charge of two screaming kids. If you want to feel mom guilt, do that, especially after spending zero time with the babies the whole day.

After the pool, faster, faster, let's get home, I know the little ones were storming the pantry before I left. I have not been home since 9 am, so there is no dinner because there was no time for the dinner. But never fear, we are going to eat out tonight at a new Israeli restaurant because that's the best I could come up with. As we are getting in the car to drive that ridiculously short distance home, 11 yo called me to hurry up because 2 yo did not stop crying the entire time I was gone.

I bitterly commented how I need more grown-ups in my life, so I am not leaving an 11 yo in braces pain in charge of two screaming kids. 13 yo wryly commented how he used to be that 11 yo. Yes, kid, we have been making do for years. It is sad when kids have to step up and function as adults.

I am greeted at the doorstep by a teary 2 yo clutching her blankie next to her big brother. 4 yo is freaking out that this new restaurant will not have hot dogs and what he will eat then? The rest of the food is "yucky". It does not take a supersleuth to figure out that he did not nap today, that he's tired, that the last thing he wants is to go out to eat instead of snuggling on the couch with mommy. But there is no dinner, and I am not serving noodles yet again.

The new restaurant was a bright spot. Even my husband made it home on time to come with us. The food was plentiful and good, they had schnitzel for 4 yo, 11 yo was able to chew and get mashed potatoes. The rebbitzen of the community invited us out for Succot lunch. Yay for procrastination! One less meal to plan for!

And then my husband got called up, And then we got home at 7 pm. 7 yo had twenty minutes of nightly reading log. 4 yo went back into full meltdown mode, and I was trying to manage the kids from the couch while half-listening to my daughter read. It is clicking, but it is still slow. Both boys were reading fluently and for pleasure at this age. She still does so little functional reading that I had to point out the kids' section on the menu. I am also thinking how this mandatory reading is not helping move things along, but, being a conscientious student, she dutifully reads every night.

After I finished and tucked in the three youngers, I did two more sections from Hilchot Teshuva with 11 yo. That was the only schoolwork that we did today.

It is 9:30. 11 yo is still up. I packed lunches. I am defrosting chicken for erev yom kippur and for kids to eat on Yom Kippur.

I just want to go and kick back with a book. But most of all, I want to arrive at the nighttime not mindlessly tired.

unstructured learning

We went to a homeschool day at the local nature center. 10 yo did not want to go, had to be practically convinced and dragged over there. The formal programs there leave much to be desired. They are run by a former public school teacher with years and years of experience. All that I see are crowd control techniques: rotate through stations, listen to instructions, do not interrupt.

So why do we keep going back?

8 yo decided to participate in indoor scavenger hunt, looking for images of ten song birds. He had to find them and write them down on a clipboard, then to turn the list in. He worked with a friend, looking and searching, persisting at a task for close to an hour. He also wrote them all down. Was that cheating? Collaboration? Was this writing practice? Sticking to a task? Not giving up in the face of difficulties?

5 yo made a new friend, whom she played with and followed around.

10 yo traded in his fossilized fish bone.

1 yo spent a lot of time looking at a mole snake, watching it slither. Then, just as he was losing interest, one of the employees came with a spray bottle. She opened the exhibit, pulled out the case, lifted the lid, and misted the habitat. I told 1 yo that the snake was getting a shower. He sat in my lap, fascinated. Then she offered to take it out, as long as he wouldn't touch it. He really got a close look at that snake! I asked about the heavy rocks on the lid, and was told that these snakes are very strong and can lift up the lid of the enclosure and escape. We got this close and personal look, totally unplanned.

One thing that I learned from the past three years of homeschooling is that a lot of learning happens in unstructured, "unproductive" moments. Homeschooling is not about advancing through grades, or filling out worksheets, or passing tests. Learning is not quantifiable, but it happens when there is an opportunity for it to happen. If one passively sits and waits for someone to tell them what to learn and what to know, they are guaranteed to fail. They will not remember anything beyond the point of required recall. The point of learning is to "own it", have a stake in it, be interested for its own sake.

Which brings me to my "next year" dilemma. Now I am leaning to sending out the two youngest kids: 5 yo and 1 yo. 5 yo wants to go to school, "to see what it's like", and 1 yo manages to disrupt and destroy faster than I can blink. I know that many homeschool families choose to send kids to preschool until kindergarten age, precisely to be able to focus on the older kids. I also know that 5 yo would be ridiculously easy to homeschool. Today we davened together, and then we did the first lesson from "Derech Bina". I was planning on focusing exclusively on reading, not being sure how much writing she can do (the primer is meant for Hebrew school kids who are in 2nd grade). This girl insisted on doing the writing page, too. And she managed just fine, with some direction. Then, in the afternoon, we doled out allowance. We start at 5, a quarter for each year of age, so she gets a dollar and a quarter. Then we give tzedakah, which is ten percent, so that's 12 cents in her case. I point out the coins for her, let her figure out their value, show her how to make change from the quarter that she gets into dimes and pennies so she can give tzedakah. Then she counts up her dollar bills and we use a hundreds chart to calculate cents. "Can this be my math?" Of course, dear, this is your math, only it is meaningful and useful math. 1 yo gets a penny to put into tzedakah box.

I look at her day, so full, and then I wonder what is the school going to give her that she is not already getting at home. She might end up with a morah who is calmer than a sleep-deprived mommy, yelling at her older brothers. She will get to do more projects, more worksheets. She might get exposed to ways of counting and reading that I am not familiar with. But is all this academic material worth more than having freedom to play for hours, to choose what to learn, and to be with her family?

taekwondo in the morning

I spoke to the boys' taekwondo teacher about organizing a homeschool class in the mornings, and moving them into two existing grown-up classes for two other times per week. The late night driving was killing me, together with not having an evening off, and preparing two separate dinners. It looks like it will be coming together!  The homeschool class will start next week. Today, we attended the morning class.

I was very worried, as 1 yo got woken up by his siblings at 5:30 am (and so did I). I really ripped into 10 yo, for getting out of bed, followed by 4 yo, and making noise. Boy, was I grouchy! Also, I was worried that 1 yo will fall asleep on the way to taekwondo, and be cranky, and then not nap at home (and my husband is on call, and it's a bath night, and it looked like a really long day, especially since 10 yo did not finish his schoolwork from yesterday...)

But, never fear, it all worked out.

Since 10 yo was up so early, I got him started on his schoolwork early. He finished everything by 10:30, the time we had to leave for taekwondo. 1 yo was melting down, badly enough for me to ask one of the boys to get him his paci (he only uses it for naps). He did not want to be held, or played with, or distracted. He kept sitting on me, screaming, throwing 10 yo's kippah. However, with paci, he calmed down. When I said it is time to get shoes on, he took the paci out, and handed it to me, since we don't leave house with a paci. He did snooze in the car for 5 minutes, but woke up as soon as we arrived at the dojang.

It was adult class, but the boys did really well, How do I know? Because that same kid who was so unbelievably cranky, sat on my lap, still as a leaf, for half an hour, Then he clambered quietly up and down the chairs in the visitor's area for ten more minutes, and then ate Cheerios in the lobby till the boys were done. I got to see how the boys stretch, how incredibly flexible 8 yo is, swinging from split to split, laying his belly down on the ground, how they listen and control their bodies, how they respectfully lined up, how they know their forms.

It was a sunny day, and the sun was warming my back, my baby quietly sitting in my lap, me, kvelling. I relaxed. I could see getting used to this.

The boys came out in high spirits. We drove home, and I put 1 yo down for a nap. I fed them lunch, and then 8 yo finished all his schoolwork, by 1:30. 10 yo was on Minecraft, while I worked with 8 yo, rather, I was sitting at the same table where he was doing his assignments, and was being consulted as need be. He melted down just once, when he got the spelling words wrong, again, but even that was a half-hearted meltdown. He did not seem to believe the words that he was using to berate himself, so he just chose to write down those troublesome spelling words in script.

Now he is on Minecraft. I will have to get my daughter soon, and the baby is still napping.

When I have days like these, I wonder, why do I complain about how hard it is (totally forgetting how this morning's early wake-up drove me to tears).

A friend posted "gam ze yaavor" (this, too, shall pass) poster this morning. 10 yo saw it, and said: the sign that will make a sad person happy, and a happy person sad. True, so true.

PVC pipe menorah

Before

Last year, I got ourselves PVC pipes, draped them with LED lights, and called it our outdoor menorah. It felt funny, like channeling some inner Chabad. Also, I wanted my kids to look out the window at our menorah, not just wistfully at our neighbors' lit-up lawns and houses.

Marking off the measurements

This year, I had the whole plan to make a base for the menorah out of PVC connectors. I was hoping that the boys would design the stand, make all the measurements and I would serve as an advisor and chauffeur to Home Depot for the supplies. As it was getting closer to Chanukah, it was becoming clearer that if i wanted the menorah to have a base, I will need to take matters into my own hands.

10 yo using PVC cutters. I was nervous about his fingers,
 but he was quite careful

Very conveniently, a local Chabad was holding a menorah building workshop in Home Depot this past Sunday. I signed the kids up, and, once they were situated under my husband's supervision, I went off to collect the necessary supplies. I must have been quite a sight, marching through the store with a 10 foot pipe protruding from both ends of the cart. I got one long pipe, T connectors to hold up each "candle" and X connectors for stabilizing feet. I also got super cement to glue the whole thing together. Finally, I splurged on PVC cutters, as I was not sure what length we will need for each piece.

This morning, I started off by telling 10 yo that his math involved figuring out how to measure and cut the correct length of each piece. We sketched and diagrammed. I ended up calculating with him together. It was not as trivial as it appeared, and he ended up having to multiply both decimals and fractions (that is the section that he is currently learning in math). Once all the measurements and the calculations were complete, we had to wait for 1 yo take his nap, so I could focus on the older kids.

the base

At the beginning, all three participated, but then the younger two went off to play. 10 yo did most of the work. He marked off the measurements, used cutters to clip sections, and connected the pieces. He commented how the completed base looked like an antenna. I ended up winding up the lights.Two of the strands were used for the Succah, so I'm yet to retrieve them.

attaching the legs to the base

After

I did not ended up using PVC  cement, as we found that the piece fit in snugly without it. I liked the idea that I can take the menorah apart every year instead of being forced to store it as one bulky piece (it is 5 feet long). That being said, I am not sure whether it will be sturdy enough without the glue holding the pipes in place. We will live and we will learn.

feeling burnout

Typical homeschooling day:

Baby up at night, then sleeps in till 8 am, messing up all naps (as in he will not fall asleep during his regular nap time). Husband left for work before the kids got up, so breakfast, getting dressed, davening, cleaning up is on me. Kids happily playing with a set of K'nex that a friend passed on. It is great, really, that they have no problem improvising and figuring out which motors do what and how to build anything. They do not need instructions. However, I have to call them time and again for breakfast. Then I have to tell them to clean up. Then they finally show up upstairs, in pajamas, each with a set of K'nex arrows tucked into waistbands made of rainbow loom bracelets.

It is all fine, really, except that 10yo has a mishna teacher coming at 10:30, and I would like to do chumash and the rest of the schoolwork with him before. Then the question of going to swim arises. I do not feel confident in their swimming ability, or in my ability to supervise four kids at a pool without a lifeguard. More, I have to call a friend to arrange this swimming session. They whine, and I lose it and tell them that for sure no swimming today, and not with me as the only adult present, ever.

8 yo goes down to the basement to daven with 4 yo, but they are not davening, they are playing with K'nex. I tell them to come upstairs and daven within my earshot. 1 yo is happily destroying the living room, after wrecking two kitchen drawers. I am trying to make challah for Shabbos, so the bread machine is in the laundry room, away from the baby.

8 yo throws a fit about davening. 4 yo wants to do projects, but not before she davens. She is waiting for me to daven with her, but I had to go wipe her tush in the middle of putting up dough, and then at out-of-town friend called to make shabbos plans and then I had to vacuum cut-up feathers from her yesterday's project. Bottom line, I am standing next to a bowl of dough trying to figure out how many cups of flour I already added while she is asking and asking to daven with her.

I try to nap 1yo and go outside to do Chumash with 10 yo. The baby will not nap, and 10 yo keeps insisting that Yehudah wants to get married to Tamar. He does not like the word "prostitute"; he insists that she is a hippie. He mentioned before that Tamar was the daughter of Shem, so I showed him that Rashi. He remembered from Sanhedrin that the penalty for a daughter of Kohen who has an affair while being married is burning, while for a regular person it is strangulation. Then he asks, but she is not married (I related this story later on to his mishna teacher and he said that Ramban asks the same question). I just answered that she is married to the family. He was wondering whether Yehudah was also going to get burned.

Meanwhile, 8 yo supposedly davened on his own. While I was outside with 10 yo, he even came up with ideas for his daily writing. In the morning, he mentioned that he's interested in learning script, something I was planning on skipping with him. His printing is still atrocious, and he hates writing. Now he wants to do chumash, but that was at the same time as I was learning with 10 yo. Now that I am available, he comes up with all interesting things: the chair has bird poop, it is too hot outside, he does not know what to write about for his writing, and he does not know the first word in the pasuk (that he read and translated yesterday). He changes the chair, I offer to go inside with him, I tell him to focus on Chumash now and not on writing, and I will help him with the word. Never mind, he just throws a fit and stomps off. I am not calm, I am as far away from calm as possible.

Did I mention that the baby is not sleeping?

I am up to my elbows in dough. I am trying to do Shabbos cooking. 10 yo offered to start on 5th grade math instead of Lashon HaTorah (we have not done either in weeks/months), but he is stumped by mental math calculations. I should be helping him, but I need to finish with this dough. I am much more worried about 8 yo's outburst over nothing, than about a math lesson a grade ahead.

I speak to the mishna teacher about his chicken keeping and whether 8 yo can help out in some way. When we went to the nature center, he was all over the chickens, picking them up, petting, and even finding an egg. I need to find an outlet for this child, something that he is naturally inclined to do. The rabbi's chickens do not like to be held, but he agrees to let my son come and feed them and collect the eggs.

For the first time ever, I just send out my assistant with the three older kids to the park. 1 yo finally fell asleep and I am cracking on that shabbos cooking.

Is this what burnout looks like? When you do not want to take out that baby who woke up from a nap way too early? When you do not want to pick up kitchen utensils for the fiftieth time today? When you do not want 4 yo making any more projects because there is always a mess accompanying them, and no end in sight? When you do not want to accommodate and strategize on how to teach a difficult anxious child? I do not want to hear about another cute/creative/breakthrough strategy. When you do not want to check math because it involves uninterrupted period of time to be effective, and you need to stay positive about careless mistakes?

baby rescue fox

When I look at my homeschooling friends, I see a lot of outsourcing, preferably with kids being dropped off somewhere and parent having time to themselves. It tends to get more intensive the larger the amount of kids involved, and the wider the age gap between them. When I look at my homeschooling, when I think about which days work, there is a pattern: very little schoolwork, kids got out of bed on the right foot, an outing without hidden educational agenda, lots of time out of the house. This past Tuesday I ran a whole bunch of errands with all the kids and then we drove to an animal sanctuary almost an hour away from home. It was a great day. No, I am not kidding; on those terms it was great to spend so much time with them. We did Chumash very quickly in the morning, but that was it for formal schoolwork. Then we stopped by OfficeMax to print 5th grade Math Mammoth, picked up mail, stopped by the bank (8 yo helped me figure out how much I need to withdraw and 10 yo studied the safe and the bulletproof glass), stopped by the grocery store to get a few things for dinner, then picked up copied math pages and got paninis-to-go for lunch. Yes, all these errands with all the kids: no problem! The rest of the day in the animal sanctuary was also quite fine. We saw a ton of free-range peacocks, talked to a keeper about a baby rescue fox, looked at all the animals. We came to a secluded spot at the edge of the forest. I sat on the bench and nursed while the kids played some advanced game of hide-and-seek. It was so idyllic, so calm, so perfect. No walls, no workbooks, no expectations.

peacocks

Maybe these early years, when the baby is not sleeping, when the house is a total mess no matter what I do, when I cannot have a completed thought to myself are not the time for rigorous academics and high expectations. Maybe these years are meant to be spent as far away from the confines of the house as possible. I have no problem coming up with what to do with the kids all summer long.

But I do not want to check another page. I do not want to call another therapist. I do not want to answer another question. I do not want to commit to another field trip, no matter how amazing and educational. I want to have a break. Maybe I can start with having a cup of coffee all by myself, still hot, without anyone yelling at me or tugging at my skirt.

So, fellow homeschoolers, are you feeling burnout? What do you do about it?

why I haven't called

Dear mom,

You have been upset with me lately for not calling when I have time. So I would like to share my day with you, perhaps, in an effort to better understand each other.

It started at 6:30, with the baby waking up. Truthfully, it started at 3 am when the baby woke up to nurse, but we'll attribute that little lapse  to nighttime and start in the morning. The older kids went with my husband to shul, and I got myself and the baby dressed and fed by 8 am, so we could drive over to Office Depot and make photocopies for Battles and Weapons class that I am teaching in the coop. When I got there, their system was under maintenance, but, luckily, I was still able to xerox what I needed. I am sure that I should have planned this better, but yesterday my computer shut down and I could not even access the file. At least it resurrected itself last night at 11, so I was able to get the file onto flash drive before it would not wake up again.

By the time I came home, it was close to 9. My husband went to work and I sat down to do chumash with 7 yo. He read two new pesukim, asked me why is Hashem talking to himself ("Should I hide from Avraham what I am about to do?"), and then asked me how did Moshe know to write this down if it happened before he was born. I thought these were terrific questions, showing true engagement with the text. Then I packed up the diaper bag and the bag of materials for the Battles and Weapons class. I spent some time researching a new trampoline net, as the kids tore the one that we had apart and it is not safe any more. Soon, it was almost 10, the baby woke up, and we had to leave for the coop.

We got there a whole five minutes early, which means that I even got a chance to get onto the playground and exchange a few pleasantries with other moms. Then it was time for the kids to go to their classes and for me to go to toddler room. The baby was fine in there, but something bugged 4 yo, as she left her class twice and came to me. I worked it out with her and led her back.

During the short recess, I strapped the baby to the stroller and finally got to use the bathroom. It is funny how those things are so hard to accomplish all of a sudden.

Then it was time to teach my Battles class about Zulus. Even though I prepared, and I found the subject matter fascinating, I do not think that I communicated enough of that to my students. Some of them were even bored. Some of them (my 9 yo) already read all my source material and could not keep their mouth shut long enough for me to steer the discussion in order to engage other kids. 7 yo predictably threw a fit about having to label Zulu spear. It is called iklwa, after the sucking sound that it made as it was removed from a lifeless enemy corpse.

Then I gathered the class materials, gathered the kids, gathered the baby, gathered the diaper bag and headed out to the park. Normally we do not stay for park day, but today I wanted to take advantage of the nice warm weather. I also needed to kill about twenty minutes of time before I had to head back. So when the time was up, I gathered the kids one more time, and then I remembered about the box of granola bars left in the car. Pesach is coming, these bars are chametz, and another homeschool parent was collecting non-perishable snacks to take to the men in the immigration detention center. They need to eat as they get deported. So I dropped off the bars and we went in the direction of home. Really tired baby fell asleep. But we did not go home, we went to a local deli to pick up a platter for a house of mourning. I knew that I could not go in and help cover the mirrors this time, but I knew that we could deliver some food. So I divided it up among the kids: you carry a bag of bagels, you carry cream cheese, and you hold the door for me as I maneuver with the platter.

Then we finally got home. The baby woke up from his too-short nap. I fed them lunch. I tried getting the baby back to sleep, but it did not work. So we went to pick up more Pesach supplies. First we stopped off in the local grocery for foil pans. They had a terrific deal on string cheese, so I got a pack of that. Then we headed over to Costco. There was a lot of traffic and some construction, so it took us much longer to get there. As we were driving, I got messages about kosher food coop delivery: it is on time, between 5 and 6 pm; no, it is delayed, now it is between 5:30 and 6:30 pm. And I got a call from my mother-in-law; I asked her to come in and watch the kids while I will be picking up my order. She was at my house, but we were on the way to Costco. I asked her to stick chicken in the oven, so now we would have dinner when we would be done. The baby fell asleep again, and so did 4 yo. I had to wake them both when we got to Costco. We did it pretty quickly, as the list was not so long. 9 yo started sulking; I talked him into this afternoon by promising as much DS till 5 pm as he wanted, so the faster we moved, the more DS time he was supposed to get. Now it was past 4. I told him that I will extend his DS time.

When we finally got home, the kids helped me unload the car and I got a message from the coop that the delivery is back to regular time, which means that I jump the car and go to pick up my and my friend's order.  The coop was supposed to deliver yesterday, but she does not live locally, so she could not get over here on time. Over there, I go back and forth over the missing meat for my friend, but, finally, it is not there. I have a car full of Pesach food, back seats folded down. I have close to 50 pounds of brisket, which I proceed to weigh out on my front lawn using a bathroom scale. It is frozen in plastic bags. It is literally a side of a cow. There were supposed to be 6 bags, but instead we got four. My kids still have not had dinner, despite my numerous requests to just sit down and eat. As I finally sit them down, people are coming to pick up their orders, and pleasantries are exchanged again. Everyone rolls their eyes as we distribute the meat, and everyone is understanding how it should have been 6 bags, but now it is four. I have food from Costco, food from dinner, food for Pesach, chicken that I planning to make for Shabbos and it is all on my head, now. Oh, and I have my Pesach food to pick up from others.

I ask kids to get pajamas on, buy they do not listen. I lose it when 7 yo bounces a big exercise ball that I inflated in vain hope of getting baby to walk onto a dining room table, spilling a large cup of my father-in-law's tea. There is a puddle, spreading onto 9 yo math that he never cleaned up from the morning. The tea leaves are on the table and on the floor, and I am sopping up the mess with the towel, holding the baby with another hand and yelling like a maniac for kids to GET INTO BED NOW! I also take away DSs for good.


Oh, and 9 yo confesses that part of the reason he has been spacey today was because he was awake from 1 am to 3 am. I wonder if that explains his clothes all over the floor, or the weapons book he left in the bathtub because he was reading in there.

Finally, my friend pulls up, her kids also tired, also screaming, and we load up her order. I pick up some of the mess in the living room, just enough to walk.

My friend calls, the one that I would love to talk to, but we only have 15 minutes, because we are both on the committee meeting for our high school which is about to start. Then I don my alumnus hat and go into phone meeting where I am being told that my committee has to meet again before Pesach and make some headway.

My sink is full of dishes. My husband is on call. Tomorrow I am setting up another shiva house with the kids, because people tend to die when they die, and not when it is convenient. The laundry is somewhere in the process of being washed, not because I want to, but because I ran out of bibs. I am also suspicious that I am washing a load that I already washed, only it did not get put away...

I have been busy, dear mother.

Talk to you later.

lack of sleep

I will become coherent when I will be getting more sleep, but, for now, it is what it is.

The baby is almost 5 months. He is a chunkster, he is nursing exclusively, so I am always on. He is a very sweet-natured baby, rarely cries, and goes perfectly with our schedule: go with the flow. That is all nice and dandy when we run out in the middle of the day at all hours, but it is a real issue when I try to get everyone down for the night. All my kids have bedtime, and, most nights, they are in bed by 8. My oldest was always early to bed, early to rise, 3 yo pretty much stopped napping unless she falls asleep somewhere, and 7 yo can usually settle down some time around 8:30-9. But the baby is not consistent in going down. He is also up at night, a lot. He does not cry, but he is cooing and kvetching. Sometimes he takes a paci, sometimes he just wants to nurse. Sometimes he just wants to be held. Always, I am the one who is not sleeping.

Meanwhile, the sleep deprivation is compounding. I walk around in a fog. Thoughts enter and flee like could wisps. Ideas pop in and out. To do lists never get written down. Planning seems like a remote concept, reserved for those who know what it is that they want to accomplish.

The more traditionally-oriented homeschoolers are discussing plans for the upcoming year. I am just grateful that chagim are so early, and we will not be starting till after, in October. My formerly organized sunroom is slowly descending into chaos, as I am not doing even basic maintenance. The level of clutter is reaching a point where it is starting to bother me, but not enough to do anything about it. I know that once the baby becomes mobile, I will have to solve this issue, and quickly. For now, I went to Target and got those items that went missing: scissors (probably in the backyard), rulers, erasers. They are sitting in Target bags, waiting for a moment of lucidity to be labeled and put away.

One thing that I have planned is to do only two subjects "formally": chumash and math. We have been doing chumash since the boys got back from camp. Some days it is going smoother than others. 7 yo is reading nicely, and he is finding the workbook (Bright Beginnings) to be a breeze, but he is not letting on much. 9 yo alternates between all raring to finish up a perek and sulking about doing every single pasuk. I dropped Rashis for now, but he is still anxious that we MIGHT be doing one.

For math I will be using Math Mammoth for 9 yo and a slim workbook of Spectrum Math for 7 yo. I am not sure if I will be assigning pages, or just telling them that a certain number of pages need to be completed each week, or just giving them a chunk of math time daily. I thought about this hard, and realized that I am not sure that they will get the necessary skill level otherwise. They are demonstrating the use of concepts all the time, but I think we need to finish all basic arithmetic before I would be ready to let go.

Other than this, we are continuing with taekwondo. Also, we will continue with classes at the coop. which is one morning a week. Other than that, there are homeschool programs at the zoo, art museum, science center. There are field trips which are planned through coop. There is Spivey Hall. I think we can get quite a nice program rolling without more planning.

Meanwhile, if I could only get more sleep...

Relaxed schooling

I have not posted much because last week everyone took turns being sick, and then we have been out and about as much as we can before the baby comes. So this is a photoblog of some of the things we have been busy with.

We finally sprouted some seeds, almost a month after Tu B'Shevat. The kids wrote the labels, put the seeds into the right compartments, and observed them for a week. They were upset when I did not let them plant the seedlings outside, but we still get frosts here. 

We went to the park to ride bikes. The oldest brought my adult-sized scooter, that my friends got for me in college, and mastered it. 3 yo finally learned to pedal on her tricycle. One of the biggest regrets about the area where I live is that you have to drive to the park, it would be over an hour walk, with crossing a major street. There is no sidewalk on our street, and our driveway slopes downward, so the kids have to be taken places to ride their bikes. The boys also got to wing with abandon, and 3 you finally decided that she's ready for a big-kid swing.

Since we do not follow a school calendar, we were able to have some friends over for President's day, who were off. The boys still had a list of scheduled things to do, but they did them quickly, since they wanted to spend more time with their friends. It worked out nicely for me, since I could focus on one boy at a time, while the other one played. Here is the whole gang, eating lunch. The secret to easy set-up and clean-up: paper goods and get everyone to pitch in.

It was also the last day of the Great Backyard Bird count. I printed out a tally sheet, explained to everyone what we are doing, and they went outside to bird watch. There was a record keeper, bird spotters, time keeper, crumb thrower, and whichever other positions they came up with.

One morning I woke up to 8 yo and 3 yo making bridges out of card stock. They were using Polly houses to test out their strength. They made a reinforced arch and strong triangle bridges, then they doubled up cardstock to see what happens and what kind of load it could take.

Yesterday, after coop classes we went to the zoo. The kids asked for the reptile house and the pandas. They finally spotted the king cobra, which previously had been hiding in one of the pipes in its exhibit. There is so much to b said for getting memberships to zoos and museums and coming there every couple weeks, so that small changes can be observed and whichever concepts are learned can be reinforced. 6 yo learned how to read by looking at the exhibit signs. That works well if I take time to read those exhibit signs, even if it is for the fiftieth time and I know them by heart!

In the Story of the World, where we slacked off for a bit, we finally came to the wars of the Greeks. One of the suggested projects was soap carving, to make Greek statues. The boys tried their best, but followed their hearts. 8 yo carved two fish, an Olmec head and a self-portrait. 6 yo carved two faces, schematically, after some crying that he is no good at carving.

Today we went to the Puppet Theater. The show was good, and there is also museum and a build-a-puppet workshop. The kids made lighting bugs. The presenter first asked about some facts about bugs, and 8 yo raised his hand and explained how the chemical reaction takes place inside by mixing two chemicals, and how bugs use it to find mates. Then there were detailed instructions on building a puppet and optional participation in putting a show together. They boys were on the team with two other kids. They worked out who will say what, and then presented it to the audience. 3 yo built her puppet with some help from me, and then went buzzing around the room, tagging other people. 

3 yo buzzing 

her own monster

reading about different kinds of puppets

In the news without photos, since we were stuck home last week, we were able to crack quite a bit of megillah with 8 yo. I offered a siyum in Lego land (his dream) if he finishes the whole thing. Being at home allowed us to do a perek a day. Today he declared that he wants to finish it up. The only problem: we did not get home from the puppet show till one, and, with lunch, did not get to schoolwork till 2. And we had the last three perakim to go, of which two are really long. He sat at it for over hours, and we got a perek and a half down. He reads the Hebrew and translates, with some help from me. I am quite proud of his skills and his perseverance.

update on Nach Yomi

For those who followed, you might remember that I took up to read a perek of Nach every day, to see what is commitment like and to serve as an example to 8 yo in his drum practice. Here is the original post. This is an update on how it's been going.

Till mid-October, I have been faithfully reading a perek a day. I got into a routine with it, at least reading the p'shat in English, sometimes reading the commentaries, too, sometimes just skimming on those pesukim where I had questions. Then my sister got married, and we trekked to New York and spent a good week traveling. At that point, even though I brought Navi with me, I fell off. There was too much going on, there was no routine, and there was no emotional energy flowing towards it. After berating myself a few nights for not getting it done, I decided to let go till I get back home. Then it took a good week to fall back into any sort of normalcy, and Navi has not been on the radar. I finally got back into it, but it has not been in the same groove that I had before the wedding. I have been starting on it too late in the night, and falling asleep while reading. When I fell asleep in the middle of Ammon and Tamar's story, I knew that the material had nothing to do with it; my choice of time and level of exhaustion were to blame.

So I have not been as consistent about it since October. I did finish Shmuel Beit two nights ago. I have been surprised at the end of it; I took Shmuel Beit in highschool, but I guess I do not remember that we did not finish the sefer. The wars of David, the census, the enigmatic threshing floor for sale to stop the plague; none of these stories rang the bell. I am also slowly crawling my way through "Lies My Teacher Told Me", and the central point of that book is that history is written by the winners. Even 8 yo noticed that. He wondered why we do not have more history from the rest of the world, why is everything taking place first in the Mesopotamia, then in the Mediterranean and then in Europe. Perfect case for why history survey courses are called Western Civilization.

Shmuel Beit is written by Davidic dynasty to establish it. Even though David had all these wonderful qualities quoted by Chazal ( conquering his yetzer hara, humility, zealotry for Hashem, desire to build the Beit Hamikdash), he does not come off as quite a popular king. It takes seven years for people to even recognize his anointment, and then he has three major rebellions during his lifetime. Oh, and his general is a serial killer, yet David's hands are metaphorically tied. I wish I had a chavrusa to work through particularly enigmatic and disturbing parts of the book.

I will continue to Melachim. That is the last volume that we have in Artscrol Rubin edition. At the rate I am going, I do not know how long that will take me. Maybe they will publish the next volume by the time I finish.

As for the drumming: 8 yo seems to pass into the area where practice is fun. He is practicing on his own, and we trade the minutes he practices for Pokemon movie time. His teacher says that his drumming has improved. He can show it off now, even though it still does not sound perfect. His commitment seems to be more solid than mine.

Talented and gifted

Something really funny came in the mail today (ok, yesterday). It was a letter from 8yo's former school informing us that  based on his IOWAs and other standardized tests he qualifies to participate in their enrichment program. The participants meet twice a week for forty minutes. This is the program's mission:

• develop advanced research skills
• develop critical thinking and logical problem-solving skills
• develop advanced communication skills
• develop creative thinking and creative problem-solving skills

This program costs extra 500$, and the reason we are getting this letter is because he took those tests last year. They obviously did not communicate internally that he is no longer attending the school. Getting this letter provided a chuckle, but it also got me thinking.

So, there is a subset of kids that tests well. Based on these standardized tests, these kids are presumed to be so smart, that they can miss class twice a week and still catch up. During the whole year, nothing so important will take place during those biweekly 40 minutes that would prevent these kids from attending enrichment. Or, does this say that they could probably miss ANY 40 minutes of ANY day, and still carry on? Or maybe, they do not need to attend their class at all? 

On a different slant, this letter clearly indicates that in regular classroom, kids do not develop advanced research skills, critical thinking, communication skills and creative problem solving. In short, if your child did not qualify for the enrichment, he is just going to develop very basic set of skills. Apparently, he has no need for logical problem solving or creative thinking. He just needs to follow what the teacher says and do exactly that. Now, I wonder, how many kids by the end of 5th grade would magically qualify for this program, if, for the past six years, they were always just taught to do exactly as told?

This program is literally taking kids out of the box of the classroom and allowing them to think outside the box. The rest? Oh well, I am sure there is a warm bench for you somewhere...

Again, all of this is hinging on a bunch of standardized tests. What if someone does not test well? What is some kid got bored during the test and wrote gibberish? That was a creative solution to a very annoying problem of sitting still and filling in the bubbles... of course, he will get penalized for it, by spending even more years learning how to fill in even more bubbles. That will knock any desire to write gibberish right out, along with creativity, spontaneity and desire to learn.

On the other hand, we are already running our own enrichment program here. 

• Advanced research skills: my son picks his own books in the library on the subjects that interest him, talks to librarians about the books he cannot find, looks up words, watches videos, makes lists, draws pictures, asks questions.
• Critical thinking: he manages his own allowance and his time, spends a fair amount of time in discussions of cause and effect, connects different events. He asks a lot of questions and comes back till the answer is to his satisfaction.
• Communication skills: he talks to his siblings and parents about pleasant and unpleasant things, to grown-ups at the places we go to: the park, the library, the grocery store, shul.
• Creative thinking and problem solving: he spends quite of bit his time figuring out how to make things easier for himself. Today's creative solution: make a rambunctious game out of dreaded laundry folding and putting away including singing, dragging of baskets, marching and teams.

Our program is free. The opportunity to participate is priceless.

election day

Today we were heading to the production of "The Emperor and the Nightingale". I told the boys about it yesterday and did not get very enthusiastic response. This morning, as I was rushing everyone to get dressed and daven, 8 yo proclaimed that he did not want to go. Knee-jerk response: fine, stay home. (Not sure how I was going to pull that off logistically.) Upon his second expression of desire to stay back, I asked him, why? He said, it's an opera and operas are scary. They have blood in them. I explained that it is for kids and I don't think it's an opera. He asked me what is it about. I drew a blank. We were sent a link to the synopsis, but, since the boys did not seem interested, I did not look it up. So there we were, half an hour before leaving our house, looking up what the show was going to be about. 8 yo said that he guessed it was about China and that he knew about the Lantern festival.

We got to the theater and the boys sat with their friends. The musical (it was not an opera) was very child-friendly, engaging the audience, funny at times and well-done. 6 yo was jumping in his seat. 2 yo squirmed in my lap. After the musical the actors lined up in the lobby. I excitedly proposed to meet them. My kids pulled and pulled to get away. I remembered last time 6 yo encountered Cat in the Hat at the book fair and ran out screaming and decided that we will wait outside.

Soon the rest of our group gathered. The kids had lunch together and then played some game which required running. There, we socialize and play with others. I got to talk with the other moms, something that I do not often get to do. What about adult socialization? Who is going to toot that horn?

Then we headed to vote. This is my second time voting in my life (blame it on the slow processing time of paperwork even for perfectly legal aliens). It is still new and exciting for me, and my excitement is somewhat contagious here. The kids lined up to see me sign the papers, present ID, get voting card and then march to the machine. I explained how some positions are uncontested, and we are really electing the person who is in  the office already. There is also a referendum on local traffic. The kids have been getting an earful about it, even at our past Shabbos lunch. Now, my husband and I vary in our political persuasions, so, hopefully, that gives my kids both sides of the story. They heard about why it is a good idea to pass the new transportation plan and why it is bad. At the end, they hopefully lined up for stickers, and there were none! The boys were disappointed.

On the drive back home, 8 yo remarked about placards on people's lawns and that we should get one. 6 yo sternly reminded him that voting is private and you do not want other people to know how you voted. They are getting the mechanisms of it. Can't wait for November... although I wish for my first major election that the choices were more exciting.

This afternoon, we checked out a tae kwon do studio. Today we were told just to observe. The boys declared that they liked what they saw and want to try it out. This place has 4 weeks free trial period and will mercifully put both boys into the same group. The teacher seems very strict, but good. I want to see that the boys will still be interested at the end of 4 weeks. I was also impressed that the teacher told us that kipas and tzitzis are ok, without me even asking, and that he understands that Friday afternoons might not work in the winter and we can switch to another day then.

Finally, I got in the mail today "What Your 3rd Grader Needs to Know". I like to get these books for myself, as I think they give me a general idea of which direction we are going. 8 yo saw the book, begged me to give it to him, and has been reading it to himself for the past hour. So if he will learning everything he needs to know in the next couple days, maybe it's time to move on to fourth grade?

on being vs. doing

I never understood this type of statement: my four year old goes to ballet twice a week and the other two days she takes violin. On Sundays, she plays soccer, and in the summer it is karate camp. She loves all of them!

Who loves all of them: the child? Or do you love being the parent of such a child? Or does it sound good on her kindergarten resume?

My kids never expressed interest in any of those extracurricular activities. (With the exception of drums by 8 yo). Maybe they would mention once how they would like to play this or do that, but it never came to begging to sign them up for anything. The gymnastics that the boys were doing came as a result of me deciding that it would be a good physical outlet for my middle child instead of him scaling walls. 8 yo joined him this past year because it looked cool, but there were plenty of days when neither one of them seemed eager to go. At the end of the year, both boys told me they do not want to continue, so we stopped. So far, they have not asked for anything else.

I have been waiting for them to find that one thing that they would REALLY want to do, and for the pestering that comes with it. The kind when kids get puppy fever and promise and swear to take care of it and walk it and brush it and love it and clean up its messes, just, mommy, PLEEEASE?! Honestly, there has not been any activity that they begged for like that.

Drumming is an exception. 8 yo asked about it for many months, not in a pestering sort of way, but in a consistent manner. I had not considered it while he was in school, as there simply was not any time to drive to a lesson and then practice at home. Now that he had been home, we were able to pull it off, but, mildly speaking, he had cooled off to it. I have a feeling that in his head he was supposed to turn into a rock star the second he put his hands on the drum sticks and the reality of hard practice stinks. I am not sure what to be doing with this. I want to encourage him to persevere, but, at the same time, considering my personal traumatic piano practice, when he says "enough", I might need to stop.

I have been wondering what's behind this lack of requests for other activities. Maybe my kids are very good at just being. They come up with games and activities by themselves all the time. I do not always know what they are playing, but they are constantly playing and I am constantly interrupting this play to do something: eat, sleep, do school work, go to the store... When they are playing, they are not doing anything that is considered admirable in the adult world. Worse, they are not doing anything that parents can brag about to one another. Who wants to hear about my son, the expert couch-cushion-house builder?

I know that my kids have their passions, but they are not neatly translatable into acceptable categories. I know that as they get older, they will be able to latch onto a passion and pursue it. In the meanwhile, I will sit back and enjoy saving thousands of dollars by letting my kids be.