Conflict of interest

I signed up for a drawing class with 11 yo. We signed up together because he expressed a rare interest in doing something outside of his comfort zone. I signed up because I have been waiting my whole entire life to take art classes. First it was not for me, then how would I make a living like that, because artists are starving... then I could not afford the supply fee that accompanied art classes in college and then there was no time and no money and no place to take them. And finally, finally I live within a short distance of an art center and they offer a glorious selection of multimedia classes. I took an evening class in acrylics followed by watercolor. It quickly became evident that I need to get the basics of drawing down first. When I was looking at the selection, trying to avoid Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays, I saw a mid-morning class. I asked 11 yo whether I can leave him at the house to take that class or whether he wanted to take it with me. He wanted to sign up, and I dared not breathe from happiness. I imagined us drawing together, learning side-by-side.

Now, these classes are my outlet, both for creativity and as a chance to experience "flow", get swallowed by an activity, let the time pass unnoticed. I so rarely experience flow that I forget how I need it. Blogging took a hit because with teens I am up and talking and dealing with them late into the evening. If I want to do anything immersive, I need it on the calendar and away from home. I am not aspiring to produce the next work of art, but I am treating this time as a therapy of sorts. And I really, really need it.

Every class comes with a supply list. We printed it out and hit Hobby Lobby. marveling at the materials. 11 yo seemed intrigued. When we attended the first class, everyone was asked to disclose their level of training and what they were planning on getting out of the class. Everyone was older than me by at least a decade. Three people were retired. I think it was a confidence boost to hear that everyone was a beginner. 11 yo jumped in, but I saw that he was not exactly taking all the creative risks that the teacher recommended. Then we sketched at home. He seemed excited to practice what he has learned.

11 yo sketching out of his own free will

The following week I made a mistake of scheduling an early morning appointment with a psychologist for 11 yo. I can probably write a whole angry megilah about childhood mental health professionals who refuse to help you and think it is perfectly fine to tell it to the child's face. It was a total waste of time, accompanied by lowering of self-esteem for 11 yo. That was not exactly the best way to be going into doing something hard and outside of your comfort zone. And now we were late to class, 40 minutes late. I felt that missing that time from a two-and-a-half hour class that is not graded is not a big deal. I told as much to my son, grumbling about all the time we wasted that morning. But he realized that we were late, and not a little bit late, but ridiculously late, and he started asking to go home. Now I used to be super anally punctual. My old self would probably preferred to go home and hide under the covers too. My new chutzpadik self proclaimed that there is more than enough class time to salvage and I am going in. My son refused. I gave him an option to join me at any point, or to hang out in the library next door. He buried himself in a comic book.

This week, my 2 yo has been sick. I called on my MIL to watch her so I could take 11 yo and myself to the class. She came. 11 yo woke up crabby, declared today to be a bad day and notified me that he quit drawing. I kept cursing the psychologist for the damage he did the previous week because this week my child did not attempt sketching. He probably felt that he fell hopelessly behind, despite my assurances that every class could be free-standing. I used all my calm arguments trying to coax 11 yo to come. He flat out refused. No reasons were given except that he quit and he's not coming. I told him that I expect him just to come and sit in on class, not necessarily draw. On that note, staying calm, I told him that I am starting up the car and I will be waiting for him. he said sadly that I will be waiting for a long time.

I went to the car and sat in there, as promised. The clock was ticking. I'm reading a book on meditation. I have taken yoga. I know about putting yourself in timeout, counting to ten, to a hundred, deciding that it is not that important, not worth the fight, letting go. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe...

But I couldn't. This class was important to ME and I was missing MY class time dealing with my child who declared that he is not coming. I had to psych myself into going, into jumping in, into believing that at the end of eight weeks I will get all the necessary sketching skills under my belt. I had to believe that I am not frustrated suburban housewife dallying in art without any talent and what a waste of time and money anyway! And you are abandoning a sick child!

...I had been so good about not butting heads with 11 yo. I had been flexible, understanding. I dropped a whole lot of academic expectations, just let him be, worked on the relationship, listened to his side, tried to understand what it was like to be him. But now he was at odds with what was best for me. I want so little, and now one thing that was supposed to be purely for me became about HIM.

I stormed back into the house. As promised, he was on the top bunk, hiding in the blankets. I told him firmly that I expect him to come right now! And I do not want to count. And I do not want to punish. And I do not demand much. But he was not coming. I yelled how I hate quitters and people who do not try. He did not respond.

I walked out and drove to my class, late yet again.

Unless you have a difficult child, of the kind of "difficult" where psychologists decide that they will not handle this, you might not understand what day-to-day life feels like. I cannot overpower his will, I cannot punish him, I cannot produce enough consequences to make him do the things that he decides to refuse to do. Moreover, he usually does not have a solid reason why he dug in his heels. I just feel that I made a big mistake with trying to take this class together because this is setting up the ground for a conflict every single week and poisoning one activity that I could have claimed as my own.

running on empty

Somehow we all have to recharge (said a tired mommy who is typing this with one hand) pardon the punctuation, i'm trying to get a little guy to fall asleep with the other hand, and out of his room, because tonight he is keeping his older brother up

_______________________________________

I have all these creeping ambitions. I want my kids to read chumash well. I want my kids to enjoy reading chumash. I want them to come up with insights and ask thoughtful questions. I want them to be deeply engaged with Torah and Judaism. I want them to be creative. I want them to listen.

I keep steering myself more towards correcting their behavior and middos, but I keep having academic-related freak-outs. In a way, we are all lolling around, waiting for the next big thing. There is a part of me yelling to declare summer to be over, and go back to a structured scheduled life. But another part of me laughs: whom am I kidding, I am in no position right now to enforce that sort of structure, and we will all end up even more unhappy as a result. Another part of me is calling to play total hooky from life, spend a day in pajamas, don't worry about anyone davening or doing chumash or eating sugar for breakfast or watching too much Pokemon. In the great scheme of things, one day like that will not harm anyone, but I do not think it will get us out of our current listlessness.

In the meanwhile, I try to keep on working on myself, hoping that the kids will pick something up from my example. I am taking a layning class for women, and we are almost done. Originally I signed up to take it because 9 yo expressed interest in learning trop, but I am thoroughly enjoying it now. Unexpectedly, 3 yo comes over when I practice, and wants to sing along. The way it is going, she will know to read trop before she learns the letters.

I am almost done with Yeshaya in Nach Yomi. I have not been doing it daily, but getting to it most of the time. Unlike Melachim, Yeshaya does not have a story line. Artscroll translation is quite an improvement over Judaica Press, but, in my current scatter-brained state, it has been hard to follow. I am still grappling with how it is nevua necessary for future generations, especially since so much of it had to do with Sancheriv and Bavel, and the rest is ambiguous whether it already came true or is yet to be fulfilled. I am considering myself surveying Nach for now, and I can always go back as need be, when I am more lucid.

I have also started playing around with watercolors. I am horrible at it. I also was confronted with my lack of sketching skills; it is something on my bucket list, and I joked that when the kids are older I will take art classes, but with youtube tutorials and books galore, why not now? So far, the amazing effect is that I started to perceive nature in a totally different way. With my biology training, every tree was a complex factory of photosynthesis and food storage. It was an amazing machine, performing synchronized functions. Any particular tree did not interest me, unless I could name which kind it was. Now, with the artsy perspective, I see trees as masses of light and shadow. I see atmospheric perspective effect on distant trees. I see leaves in clumps, reflecting light. I see the light bounce from the ground. I see endless variations in the bark. I see each tree as a fascinating object, waiting to be teased out and sketched.

Will I ever need to layn? Will I ever teach Yeshaya? Will I ever draw? I do not know, but, for now, the learning is enjoyable. I hope my kids will see this and be able to apply it to whatever they would want to explore.

Photos

Here is a small sampling of what we did this past week:

7 yo hanging by his knees and holding on to his ankles.  Over the past year, both boys got pretty strong and fearless. They also both were able to do the monkey bars, something they could not do last year.

3 yo watching an elephant while her brothers were in a homeschool class. She easilty hung out there for 20 minutes, just watching. Then we spnt 20 minutes with the lions. All different groups around us came and left, and she just watched the animals. 

Watching a stone get polished.

Rock Land created by 9 yo. Each stone represented something: red ones were lava, blue was sea with shark teeth as a stand-in for shark fins,  a geode was holding up a lonely tree.

unschooling and happiness

Today we had a visit with pediatrician for the older boys. This was their annual visit, and we happened not to need to go to the doctor this whole year. Chuck it up to not being exposed to other kids' germs, or my kids spending so much time digging in dirt or just plain old luck. Either way, this was it.

Last year, when I went, I spoke to the doctor about getting 7 yo evaluated for his behavioral outbursts. I was given a questionnaire, and told to think about it. It was one of those ADD/ADHD forms. I looked over it. He would not pass it. Ironically, I would not pass it, too. Hm... and I was supposedly a normal person, who can function well.

This year, since I felt that we did not progress much, I spoke up again. All of this was done out of kids' earshot, and I am grateful to have a sensitive pediatrician. Basically, she told me also not to rush into evaluations, as they are pricey, and once you have a diagnosis, then what? I am not planning on medicating. He is also basically on grade level, despite his great hate of schoolwork. He reads way above his level. He gets along fine with friends and siblings. She suggested finding a special ed teacher, and just having him set up for a session of two, to see what kind of strategies we can come up with to deal with his issues.

Basically, I know that something is off with him. What I do not know is: how off is it? I am left with those basic two issues: do I spend energy pursuing and putting my finger on what is off, and trying to get him to fit into the normal standards, or do I learn how to work with him, so he can still function and be happy despite being different?

Today this video came up. It is speaking about my child. I know what makes him tick, and it is not penciling in the circles or writing descriptions. Today he wanted Story of the World, science and art. For science, he picked out his own experiment, gathered the supplies, copied a picture, glued it on and performed an optical illusion. For art, we watched a step-by-step tutorial on how to draw a Pichu. This is not easy, as he was struggling to make an oval, and he really has hard time with all these fine motor, spatial perception skills. For Story of the World, we read part of the chapter which talks about Native Americans. He retold me the tale of the Rabbit and the Sun. Now he is drumming. He decided to try out drumming with his brother last week, and, to my surprise, he is eager to practice and practice some more.

What if I stop with math and English and Judaics? What if I wait till he asks? What if I trust him to pick those things which make him happy? Basically, what if I just unschool him?

But what about my other son? He needs structure, so he can chafe against it. I tried unschooling right after the baby was born, but he always wanted to know what's on the agenda. He asked me every day. He was almost joyful when we went back to the daily schedule.

Follow my sons' dreams or follow the society? Hope that he does not come to me one day and ask me why he was not taught a given thing? Teach him "like everyone else" and mold him into a shape that I know he will not fit? Maybe nobody else will notice how badly he doesn't fit. Keep him happy by letting him be?

Unschoolers, how do you do it?

what does your daughter do all day?

I have two school-age boys and a 2 yo girl. The question I get is, how do you keep 2 yo occupied while you are teaching the boys?

As you can surmise from my posts, I do not spend hours every day just sitting and breathing down the boys' backs as they cover subject by subject. I am present, and I might be more involved in some areas (chumash, kriyah) than in others. Most of the activities are hands-off for me, and I just check the final result, or tell where the corrections are necessary. That gives me more time to attend to 2 yo.

As far as her schedule goes, she gets quite a bit of freedom. She gets dressed when the boys get dressed, eats breakfast with the rest of us, davens after the boys and just hangs around, observing and joining in whatever we are doing. If the boys are sitting at the dining room table, writing, she will do one of her "projects". She knows where I keep the scrap paper, stickers and shapes for gluing. She gets glue and scissors, pencils, crayons, whatever strikes her, brings them over and starts working. Then she will tell me when she is done, and usually wants to display her creation. She is also pretty good about cleaning up after herself.

We had quite a few spills and messes. She cut up things while learning how to use scissors. She made large puddles of glue, but it is all washable. She spilled her shapes and we had to sing clean up song numerous times to get all the shapes back in the bucket. The tables get some of the mess, too, but it is all washable and wipeable. Besides, since I am usually more focused on the boys' work, I am not breathing down her back to be perfect, either.

Working alongside her brothers

Today she chose to do play-do while the boys worked in the morning. She got out the shapes and a small tub, set herself up in the kitchen and had fun time cutting and mushing. Then she put it away and joined the boys at the dining room table. She brought over a lacing kit. I was asked to untangle the strings and then she proceeded to lace a dog while the boys did Lashon HaTorah and math.

Later in the afternoon, she found a papier mache peach and wanted to paint it. Originally I thought it would make a great sukkah decoration, painted and covered in mod podge, but it never happened. Now she pulled out paint, a jar for water and a paint brush and worked on adding different colors to it. When she was all done, she wanted to thumb tack it to the board in the kitchen. I tried explaining how it would not work, but she wanted to display it. I suggested hanging it up in the dining room. She brought me a piece of string and we hung it from a curtain rod.

When she is not involved in these projects, she plays with her dolls, puts them to sleep, changes their diapers, makes strollers out of bins and spreads out blankets for picnics and boats and whichever way her imagination takes her. She got tall enough and strong enough to open the fridge doors, so she can help herself to the snacks I keep in the bottom drawer: squeezy yogurts and regular yogurt cups and string cheese. I leave the bowls of dry cereal on the table ( if someone didn't finish theirs during breakfast) and she would snack from them.

Painting

She comes to sit on my lap occasionally, and to cuddle up. But lately she has been valuing her freedom of roaming more than the comfort she gets.

Someone must be thinking, what about the academics? ( As if all this that she does could not qualify as a full day of schoolwork). Well, she likes when I read books to her. She knows the first two letters in her name and points out that combination whenever we encounter it. She learned the first letters in her brothers' names. I have a bag of magnetic letters which I got when the oldest was one and half. She likes to assemble them on the fridge.

She can count solidly to ten, and more shakily to twenty. She is learning her numbers from pressing them on the microwave pad to cook her morning oatmeal. When she is asked how old she is, she says that she is in "quarters", which means two and three quarters. She also knows that if you have one marshmallow and you need to end up with three ( like your brother), you need two more. And she know what two more looks like!

She knows what we do on Shabbat, and how we get ready for it. She knows that Hebrew books go the other way from the English ones. She has a few favorite Hebrew songs, and she sings them on her own: HaShafan Hakatan, Af Echad, Torah, Hashem is here.

She also still mercifully naps most days ( my boys gave up naps right after turning 2), so we all get a bit of downtime.

So, while I cannot tell you exactly what she does all day, I know that she keeps herself busy. Lately, 6 yo complained how she does not get to do any real schoolwork, and all my talk about how her playing is her schoolwork was not what he wanted to hear. He is not the only one. I just saw an article where a veteran homeschooler explained how all different activities can count as schoolwork. As far as I am concerned, she is doing quite well, whether formally, or informally. She is proof that unschooling works.

nearly perfect

Last morning was the new round of coop classes. I signed up for set-up duty, which means that now we have to be there half an hour earlier. I did not realize it will be during the week when we change clocks. So, last morning, at 7:30, as I was trying to wake my boys up, I was informed that they are planning a play about gazelles and hunters, which involves scissors, cardboard, rubber bands and K'NEX. This would have been fine any other morning...

You know the day when your kids claim to love every class, everyone behaves, the weather is gorgeous, you make it to the zoo, and when you finally come home, the kids just can't wait to get started on their Ancient Egypt dioramas? Well, yesterday was one of those days.

If yesterday was nearly perfect homeschooling day out, today was nearly perfect homeschooling day in. During my breakfast, 5 yo brought over an illustrated copy of Alice and we read the first chapter. The kids both started next unit of Rosetta Stone. 7 yo happily received next volume of Story of the World. We did timeline for the first volume which involved measuring, drawing a straight line with a ruler, marking off intervals, figuring how many years will fit on each page, multiplication and division by 10. I have hard time classifying it all as a subject. Then he started putting in a bunch of dates, and when I asked whether it's enough for today, he just wanted to keep on going, even after he realized that some dates were not correctly marked and had to be fixed. While he was working on that project, 5 yo finished reading The Cat in the Hat Comes Back. I read some history to him, which had to do with ancient Egypt. Just perfect for his Egypt class and for upcoming Pesach. We read how Nile floods and farmers depended on it. We also read how Egyptians worshipped the paroh, because they thought he had control over flooding Nile. I read to him the Osiris myth. Then I explained why it was important that the first plague affected Nile: to show that paroh is not in control and to makes Egyptians worry about their livelihood.

Then we did math. 5 yo got to play with base ten blocks and I saw now that he does get the concept of place value. He was able to trade successfully and pull out the right amount of blocks. Whew! He also got the play with them by creating a house for his baby Zhu Zhu.

Then I did megillah with 7 yo. We read first three pesukim of 5th perek. I explained the setup of Achashverosh sitting and Esther approaching in the doorway and him being stunned by her appearance. 7 yo translated bakashatech as asking; I explained that it was a request. He wondered why she did not ask for the Jewish people then. Then, in the next pasuk, he got that Esther is making a meal for "him", the king, but she is also inviting Haman. Then the boys wanted to act this scene out. 5 yo was Achashverosh, a flip-flop was the scepter, 7 yo was the palace guard with an iguana as a sword. I got to be Esther.

Now, thinking back about it, it is strange that 7 yo didn't want to be Achashverosh. I guess he's not being held in high regard, royal status aside.

Then, after lunch, 7 yo did math. I got the scale with pounds and ounces and we went back over the measurements that he previously estimated. But the surprise came when there was a review problem, 61-56. He borrowed a 10 from 6, but recorded it as a 10, not as 11. At that point, I pulled out those blocks and made him do it again. He saw the discrepancy, but could not figure out why. I showed it to him again. Then I gave him a block of two-digit subtraction problems. He did those fine, but none had 1 in the ones. I gave him another one, 31-15, and he again forgot about 1 in the ones! His school teacher claimed that he was doing very well in math... he got the concept, but something like this slipped through.

7 yo flew through Lashon Hatorah. I will have to get him new workbooks when we'll be up in New York. I am thinking about getting them for 5 yo too.

Then we did spelling, which was review today. He got a bit discouraged that he got any words wrong. Then we did art, which today involved looking for lines and movement in sculptures. I Googled Greek sculptures, and he enjoyed both looking for movement and trying to identify who's portrayed without reading the captions.

5 yo did Handwriting Without Tears quickly and then stumbled in Lama. He wanted me to sit next to him. He wanted to take a rest. He wanted me to write it for him. I said I would write one line, if he tells me what goes there. He wanted me to go away and to make a surprise for me. Then he was just lying there, moping.

Then we picked up some friends and the kids had a playdate. At some point, I went into the backyard to dump out composting and to turn the pile. Eventually, all kids ended up outside. 7 yo declared that he will do weeding, not because anyoen is forcing him, but to make the yard look nice. Wel,, the way our yard looks now, I could use a whole lot of cats and a VOOM!