Designated time

I'm writing this on chol hamoed Succot. In Hebrew, moed means a designated time, an appointed time, a time of meeting. Holiday, as in "holy day" is a very loose translation, as it is not the sanctity of the day that is celebrated. Rather we acknowledge that year after year, Hashem/ mishkan/ shechina calls to us, and we show up. We do not always bring our best selves when we show up, despite what numerous divrei torah and frum writing makes one to believe. We do not always show up in the neatest and most prepared state, despite what sharing on social media leads us to believe. In fact, some years, we do not want to show up at all.

But where would we be if we did not show up? Where would we be if we did not have this protected time to find ourselves yet again in our succah, in shul, at the seder table, during hakafot, thinking, remembering and contemplating where we were in years past and comparing to where we are now?

Shabbos can feel oppressive, especially where there are small kids napping in the morning and afternoon, and older kids get listless. Yet I appreciate Shabbos as the "only time I sit on the couch" in my daughter's words. I wanted to be doing more, working on Nach Yomi ( don't even ask where I stand in my personal learning), reading over parsha, davening, having deep and meaningful conversations about what matters with my spouse. But I am not. However, I am grateful that I find myself forced to sit on that couch once a week and take a break from the external world, take stock in where I am now, what am I feeling, and not being pressured to run around and do something or other. It is not a high level of observance, but it is a designated time, forced upon me for my own good.

I am very good about yom tov observance, but I am not good at designating time that is not thrust upon me. Whether it is my upbringing, my uptight personality, the circumstances, not knowing how to do it myself, or not being selfish, I do not end up designating this protected time for reflection. I am not talking about pampering, but it is part of essential self-care. There is so much to do, and so little time. So I scurry and wipe behinds, nap kids, feed them, do chumash,  grocery shop, sneak on Facebok and tackle laundry. But I do not say: this afternoon is for blogging because mommy needs a written record of how today went. This half an hour is for journalling because I need to pour my heart out. When the baby will nap I will call my friend and connect. Today  I will plan a night away because I just need to sleep in and not be responsible for anyone else's needs.

I wonder if rosh chodesh was supposed to be a women's holiday precisely to force women to take monthly stock of their lives and stop doing.

pleasant surprises

Today was first day back-to-cop classes for us. I am teaching a class on geology, so I spent quite a bit of time preparing and then some energy on teaching. Both of my boys are in my class (their choice), and then for the second hour 10 yo is taking Civil War and 8 yo is in Poisonous and Venomous Animals. Our coop is located literally on the spot of one of the major Civil War battles. This year there are many commemorative events taking place, and I was sort of regretting that we are living in such a history-rich area, yet not taking advantage of all the opportunities. This class is just perfect for 10 yo: it is for older kids, requires reading and seems to be challenging.

8 yo chose his class with a bit of reservation on my part; he would be the oldest there. However, he seems very excited about it, and he showed me a folder that he made in there. There was writing involved, and cutting and pasting. He also had to google images of animals he thought were poisonous, and he was able to do that on his own before class (with my supervision and encouragement).

4 yo is taking printing class, followed by Little Bodies. I am not concerned about the academic content, just that she gets to play and interact with other kids. "Mommy, we got to color with the wrong end of paintbrush and it was so fun!" 1 yo is in toddler room.

After we finished our classes and I collected the kids, we headed home for lunch. In the past, 1 yo would not last, so we had to hightail it, and quickly. He usually fell asleep on the way home, and then I frantically served lunch. I used to try to squeeze in some schoolwork around the coop classes and before taekwondo, and it did not go smoothly. Today I planned to get very little school done: math and Chumash for 10 yo, and multiplication and typing for 8 yo. We finished 10 yo's schoolwork before the coop. I quizzed 8 yo on his flashcards once before the coop and once after lunch. He finished his typing in the morning. I also asked kids to get started on Rosh HaShana cards. 10 yo picked a card "to you and yours" for one of his friends. I had to explain how that is not so appropriate. 8 yo wrote his without any fuss. Granted, it was those three lines, but this is a nice surprise.

10 yo's mishna teacher was coming, and I was planning to take some time to relax before taekwondo, but 8 yo pulled out electricity kit and asked whether we can do it. I know that this is true learning: he is curious, he wants to do it, and he will learn and retain. As he was opening it up, I saw that he must have pulled it out before. He knew exactly how to set it up, what all the parts are and how they work. I just sat back and watched. My father would have been proud of his free experimentation.

I kept thinking how 8 yo keeps surprising me academically in the past few weeks. He loves Keyboarding Without Tears, and keeps asking to do more and more. He is holding his fingers correctly, even though he did not learn all the letters yet. Considering how till now his modus operandi was to avoid computer unless he was passively watching, I am finding his new confidence very encouraging. He has been typing more.

He also asked me to get him cursive workbook from HWT. Again, I thought that we are done with handwriting practice, since last year it was hard, and I am not positive that cursive is an essential skill to learn any more. Yet he is enjoying it, and his letters are looking great. He is putting in a lot of effort. His printing also improved. Now, this kid qualified for OT at the beginning of the summer, and we have not exactly spent that time working on his handwriting.

So what did he do all summer? He went to camp. He played. He read. He hiked. He built with Legos. Nothing academic, really. Yet somewhere between getting older and more mature, and getting stronger, he is able and willing to do tasks which I would not consider before.

We are meeting with yet another psychologist. This one is strongly favoring medication, and not just for anxiety, but also for ADHD. I have talked to him about side effects of the medicine. My husband researched anxiety, and saw that kids are prescribed SSRIs, which, if the child is depressed, up the risk of suicide. I have looked into ADHD medicine, and found that most parents use it as a last resort. I brought up how I am concerned about long-term effects, and how I am worried about having to get off the medication one day and not having ever developed a focus of his own (I refer you to Leonard Sax for further reading). The response that I received was that I should worry about him now, not down the road. What happens down the road, happens. The funny thing is, as much as I worry about him now, I am not worried about him down the road, I know in my guts that he will turn out fine, find his path, discover his passion, and pursue it. It might not be college, it might not be a neat behind-the-desk profession, but he will be fine. I am not sure that I want to sacrifice the future for the sake of getting compliance now.

In a sense, I am glad that he is not in school, and I get to see and experience all these little pleasant surprises. Their loss, our gain.

even more unschooling

4 yo started reading Bob books. I had them forever, and I was pretty sure that she knew her letters, or at least enough of them to start reading. I knew that she was interested. When I pulled down the first one, she looked at it and read it as if she knew what is inside. She definitely has a tendency to name letters rather than say the sounds that they make, but I am sure it will go away. I am in no rush to get through the set or to get her reading fluently, but she is ready and interested. No drilling, no pressure, no stress, no reading readiness programs, just good old interest and house full of books.

Yesterday 10 yo chose "What Your Fourth Grader Needs to Know" as his car reading on the way to tae kwon do. From what I know about those books, if he learns everything that is inside, he will be ahead of most 4th graders. Since this is not the first time he is reading that book, we should be OK.

8 yo agreed that he should practice some writing. He has been picking poems to copy, of all things. We tried a limerick, but the lines were too long. Tonight he copied some lines from "Why oh Why Are Deserts Dry?" Considering how I feel ready to give up on getting this child to write down anything, this copying is very good news. He plans to copy the entire book, one stanza per day.

4 yo fed the chickens while the boys attended a workshop on poisonous plants. Afterwards I got a long lecture on which plants I should be careful not to eat ( foxglove, oak leaves, pear seeds). 1 yo crawled and crawled through the grass and pointed at those chickens.

The boys had zoo homeschool class. I took the two younger ones to the sprinkler park. 1 yo crawled through the splash pad and scuffed his knees and ankles pretty badly. By the end, he seemed eager to walk, downward facing dog style. If the PT will not cause him to walk, the desire to be on all surfaces will.

At home, 8 yo and 4 yo are organizing a desk in their room to serve as their workshop (some sort of ninja training center, I suppose). They brought over markers, scissors, a chair, and a notebook. I am wondering whether 8 yo is ready to start making projects on his own terms. I cannot even imagine what they will look like, but they are his projects, not mine.

10 yo made a model of a hillside with a secret entrance to an army base underneath, complete with stairs and chambers. The other day he made a pueblo. His material of choice is card stock. I thought I will use it to print out posters and flashcards, but kids have other plans.

In the middle of doing Chumash today, right before we got to new pesukim, 10 yo asked me, totally out of the blue: "What is your biggest fear?" I answered: "Something bad happening to one of the kids." I asked him what is his (I was pretty sure that was the reason for the question). He said: "Losing out financially in a major way." Well, I did not know that was on his mind, although after blowing a whole lot of his allowance and present money, he has not been spending any of it lately. I told him how even if you lose all the money, as long as you are willing to work hard and be smart about it, it is possible to be OK.

Serendipitously, a friend of mine just recently wrote how kids' emotional health comes before academics. I was thinking how his question had nothing to do with what we were learning and could have been misconstrued as stalling or distracting. By now, I seem to sense when they are distracting, and when they have a pressing need which takes precedence over learning.

Bananagrams

We played a few rounds of Bananagrams with 10 yo. He always ends up being a rotten banana: parts of words hanging, made-up words, misspelled words. I noticed that 8 yo kept stopping him and correcting his words. 8 yo does not play; too much pressure. I kept talking up how he seems to be quite good at spelling now and he might want to give it a try. He reluctantly agreed with me. He made a bunch of three letter words, and it was hard adding other words to them. I stopped my game and helped him out. He breathed a sign of relief when we used up all the letters in his pile.

Today, I told the boys that we are going to restart doing Chumash ( I took a break during Pesach). 8 yo said that we have mainly not been doing anything, so it is time to start a lot of other things. I asked him, what else? He said: spelling.

I almost fell over.


Then there was an evening game of Bananagrams. I could not play with both boys at the same time, and 1 yo was very cranky and very ready to go to sleep. Bottom line, I messed it up badly, by totally creaming all involved parties ( including my husband). 10 yo was on 8 yo's team, and 8 yo was in tears. When I finished, he said that he's so bad at this, so bad.

And then he swiped across the table and scattered the tiles.

10 yo had no problem scrambling all his tiles mid-game and coming up with this monstrosity

I am not holding my breath for spelling for tomorrow. But now I have evidence that he at least knows when the word looks right and when it needs to be fixed.

what he learned

I was having hard time with 7 yo. He refused to do his writing. I suggested doing it outside, on the deck. He brought his workbook out, barefoot (our temperatures are in the 70s). With one-on-one attention, he did one page. He wrote sentences, ordering pictures, and he asked for the words that he was not sure how to spell. I even pulled out a dictionary, showing him how I was not sure myself how to spell something.

So he finished the page. Supposedly, he learned how to use time order words: "first", "next", "last" in his writing. However, there were the intangibles, not reflected on that page. He learned that he can break up a task into manageable chunks and do it. He learned that if he runs out of space on a line, it is not the end of the world; he can either write below or in the margin. He learned that it is OK to make mistakes, erase, and not be sure how to spell something. He learned that a change of scenery is good for concentration.

He also learned what sound a cardinal makes. He learned the serenity of sitting outdoors. He learned that he can relax.

Only time will tell which of these lessons he'll remember, and which ones will make a difference in shaping him as a human being. I suspect that his slightly sloppy sentences will not be the essence of what he learned.

expectations and anxiety

7 yo's best friend had a birthday party today. He has been anticipating going there for a long time. He checked for the correct date on the calendar. He was counting down the days. This morning, he made a card for his friend, without fuss. I thought it would be so nice that he gets to go without his older meddling brother, and have something cool and exciting just for him.

I drove him over, a bit late, but not too late. He has been to his friend's house dozens of times, so when he came inside, I drove away.

When I came to pick him up two hours later, I saw a bunch of people and kids mulling outside. I did not see 7 yo. I saw the mom, and we went inside to look for him. More people were there. I saw the father of the birthday boy. He asked me what was I doing there. I said, I was picking up my son. He said that he was not at the party. I thought he was kidding with me.

A minute later, 7 yo emerged, in tears, with the mom apologizing. He spent the whole party hiding out in his friend's room! He said that he EXPECTED the party to be outdoors, but it was inside, so he just left and hid out. Now I got it that the father was not kidding: he really did not see my kid for two hours.

7 yo also realized that the birthday boy did not even see him there. I prompted him to say goodbye and thank you, and he ran to the car.

He missed the whole party because it did not go the way he expected it to go. He said that he read books in the room. He missed cake, activities, fun, playing. He missed when the kids did go outside to play. How can a kid be so rigid? How will he function? He was so looking forward to the party, but once he had to deal with the actual party, he shut down, and sequestered himself.

Later, when I was tucking him in at night, he got all teary-eyed about the whole experience. He said that he feels stupid, but mostly he was still upset that the party did not go as he expected it to. He did mention that he saw kids working on a timeline and he did not want to do that, and that there was no space for him around the table, and nobody saw him, except for the birthday boy's older sister. Now I wonder whether I should have gone in with him, stayed, made space, pulled him out for cake... But he is almost 8. Shouldn't he figure out how to function on his own, and adapt in whichever way necessary?

He sighed in bed and said that now he will have to wait another year till his friend's next birthday. I bit my lip; his friend is possibly moving away.

It is so painful to see kids suffer. It is so hard to figure out whether my job as a parent is to swoop in and make it all better, or to hang back and let him discover the natural consequences. And it is also hard to figure out what to do about his anxiety. Lately, it has been getting worse. I have been thinking how unschooling is so good for him, but now I see that when a kid has this level of anxiety, he studiously avoids any activity which might push him out of the comfort zone.

Over the past few weeks, 4 yo not only demonstrated that she knows just about all letters, she even made her name from magnetic letters, and then attempted to write it down. She made a card for her older brother and wrote down his name on the front, unprompted. Quite a few letters were legible. 7 yo NEVER did that. Even now, just to write his name is a torturous process. He does not draw and doodle; he does not do Google searches; he does not illustrate. He avoids those activities that require writing/typing.

I have been told to establish a reward system for him. I always knew that it will not work. If a child forfeits a long-expected birthday party because he would have to encounter something unpleasant, would he work for a golden star?

managing anxiety

Ever since 7 yo was diagnosed with anxiety, I checked out a big stack of books out of the library on anxiety in children. That was about two weeks ago, maybe more. The stack is making me anxious. To balance out the stack, I checked out two tangential books: Saving Normal about how we overdiagnose mental disturbances, and A Nation of Wimps, a book about how we presume our kids to be overly fragile and in constant need of coddling. I have been slowly slogging through these two books first. 

I have been agreeing with some statements, like the fact that kids' lives are overmanaged, kids are deprived of free play, adults project their anxieties onto kids, etc. I disagree with some others, especially the attack on homeschooling as the ultimate helicopter parenting. But the book had made me think quite a bit.

I am gathering information before deciding what to do. I really would like to fall into more unschool-y groove with 7 yo, lay off a bit. Yet, I keep brushing time and again against his difficulties. He did an hour of code, and loved the coding programs as long as he could select commands from the menu and did not have to type anything in. Once the course progressed, and typing became necessary, he told me that he will not be doing it, since it's too hard. This morning, my daughter was decorating a homemade birthday card for a friend. She drew her friend on the front, and it looked like a person: eyes, nose, mouth, body, hands, feet, ears, hair. She even told me how she is drawing longer hair on the sides of her friend's face, not just a short stubble on top of her head. 7 yo never drew a person like that, neither out of his free will, nor on command. His people barely look like humans. I have not taught my daughter how to draw a person; that is something she picked up somewhere on her own, in a true child-directed learning fashion. He did not. What does he see instead of what we all see, and what is stopping his people from looking like all other stick people? He is stuck by his lack of skills, but instead of plunging in and mastering them on a needed basis, he is shrinking back. 

I have two paths to choose: either keep on working on areas of his difficulty ( perception, writing, spelling) or not push him in those areas at all, and trust that he will be able to find means to compensate. Working on his weak areas probably will entail specialists, and all attendant costs and anxieties. On the other hand, we do not just let diabetics or asthmatics drop dead because of their faulty pancreas or bronchi. We diagnose them and give them medication and check regularly to see that it is working. 

Now, on to anxiety. I am an anxious person myself. There, I've said it. I was parented by a Jewish mother, with attendant pressures to succeed based on her definition of success, and then never being good enough. I have seen this quote somewhere, that all parenting is either a repeat of the way you were brought up, or a rebellion against it. I have been working very hard to move past that. But I am not surprised that 7 yo is anxious. In fact, genetics are so powerful that it would be weird if none of my kids would have inherited parental personality traits, including less-than-stellar ones. So there, I am (most likely) the cause of my son's anxiety, both genetic and situational. However, before I jump onto mediation/relaxation/no sugar regimen for HIM, I might do better to apply these to ME. If I am more calm, I can respond more calmly to him. If I know how to control my anxiety, I can model it for him. Obvious, I know, yet this is much harder to do than just read about another hysterical scare of what's derailing our kids and apply new snake oil to the child, to assuage parental guilt.

Practically, I am planning on seeking external help in the role of a homeschool assistant. I am hoping to go back to doing yoga. I will make time to daven and talk to Hashem in a meaningful way. And I am planning to try out all those anxiety-reducing techniques on myself before expecting my child to become "Less anxious! Right now!"

results of the evalution

Well, we've gotten the diagnosis. I have been mulling in my mind what to do with it, now that we have a piece of paper. In the good news, 7 yo is not depressed, does not have Asperger's ( I could have told that to anyone!) and has mild ADHD, mostly with hyperactive component. I was told that he would not need medication (more relief) and that kids tend to outgrow hyperactivity.

Now, to the parts that are not so clear-cut. He has anxiety. He also has a writing disorder, but since he scored so high in other categories (reading, reasoning, oral, vocabulary, comprehension), and basically did not perform the written test, it is not clear whether he has a true writing disorder, or his anxiety is taking over, so if his anxiety is quieted, he might be able to write. I was told to work on his anxiety, and then reevaluate his writing in a year, to see whether a disorder can be ruled out.

I have been provided with a list of recommendations. I looked over it and sighed. Set-in-stone alone time with each parent? I wish; what am I supposed to do with the rest of my kids, it is not like anyone is lining up to babysit them. I would love for my husband to take him out regularly to do stuff: get a hot chocolate, wrestle, learn, walk. But the life of OB-GYN and regularity do not mix.

Provide a quiet, uncluttered environment for his schoolwork: oh yes, the proverbial clean desk. He shares his room with two siblings right now, the kitchen table and dining room table are used by mutliple parties and for multiple purposes throughout the day, and he likes to work on the floor anyway. What about the rest of the kids? Maybe I should just get him ear plugs.

Another suggestion was to do breathing exercises, or develop mental techniques to calm his mind. I have taken yoga, so I tried to sit him down, teach him some slow breaths, close his eyes, relax. Except that last time I tried it, both 3 yo and the baby were trying to get into my lap, squealing. Not a relaxing atmosphere.

Focus on carrying out multi-step activities: Legos, puzzles. This kid was never interested in either. I asked him whether he wants to play with Legos alone, without his older meddling brother. He said, only if there are instructions, basically, if there is a new set. Over the past two years, the boys bought three different sets like that from Costco, but all the pieces were mixed up with the other Legos we own. That's how 9 yo plays: he is always inventing, tweaking, modifying. 7 yo is always watching. I went digging for some Legos and found a Lego knock-off that somebody gave us. Perfect: a complete set, with instructions. I felt insane telling 9 yo that he absolutely cannot tell his brother what to do, or how to build, that is part of his schoolwork. 9 yo sulked, and wished that he had play as part of his school. Well, 7 yo took a day, and just a tiniest bit of help, and build everything in the set. I asked him later, whether he enjoys playing with it. He said, no, I am done building it. Obviously, he just wanted to be guaranteed a finished product, and now that it's here, he's not interested any more. Sigh, I am pretty sure that's not what the psychologist had in mind. I am much more there with 9 yo and Miss Frizzle: take chances! Make mistakes! Build whatever you desire! (Just clean up at the end, please).

Back to the evaluation: I asked the psychologist outright if 7 yo would be better off in a school setting. He said that right now he would need to have anxiety taken care of before going into a new situation, Also, his writing would be an issue, but he kept talking about how high he scored in reading and general intelligence, so he is pretty sure that writing will be OK, long-term.

One of the suggestions that I really did not like was the whole positive reinforcement thing: give him a sticker chart, a reward jar, constantly dangle a carrot, give him M&Ms, praise and praise, make him feel that he's winning, and, somehow, he will perform. Arf, arf, good boy. I am just starting reading "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn, and this whole behaviorism thing is really grating me the wrong way. My oldest will jump through hoops for rewards. 7 yo is a different story. This is a kid who kept forgetting to get his davening treat (before his brother came home and reminded him all the time). This is a child who stubbornly refused to do a page to math, spent 5 hours hiding out in his room, and was willing to skip a much-anticipated playdate, all to avoid doing something that he deemed too hard. He does not CARE that much for rewards, especially of the little silly kind. He is not competitive, in fact, he shies away from any competition. I strongly doubt that this form of positive reinforcement is what is missing from his life. I do encourage him, and I do descriptive praise ( the dishes are all stacked up nicely; those words are spaced just right, it is so easy to read this line, etc.), but I hate the whole fake "Good job!" and excited applause thing.

In good news: we should continue with taekwondo, and provide physical outlets for his energy.

So what to do, what to do?

I feel stretched very thin, as it is. Worse, I am starting to get into the mindset that if my kids were in school they would be better off: less yelling, more learning, more structure, more discipline... I have four kids, each with their unique needs. One size does not fit all, but I am having hard time providing for each one what he/she needs. So, do I send the oldest back to school, to free up some time and attention for 7 yo? Do I look for a school program for 7 yo, hoping that they will give him right environment? Do I hire a tutor to work on his writing, one-on-one. hoping that they coax out his true writing abilities? Do I get a babysitter daily and use that time to focus just on 7 yo? Do I get him to a local psychologist to work on his anxiety? Do I go back to unschooling, and hope that once he relaxes enough and gets interested enough, writing will flow?

It is not easy. We are taking Chanukah off, and I am taking my time to think this over.

a small miracle happened here

Tonight, an hour before it was time for kids to get into bed, I casually suggested that they do some Chanukah decoration. I have been casually suggesting it for the past week, especially if someone came up interested in a project, but it hadn't taken off. Tonight the moment was right, so the three olders busily got something going. 9 yo was making an ancient poster:

3 yo was coloring in some pages that I printed earlier during the week from chinuch.org.

7 yo was set on making a shamash holder from one of his Chanukah books, but then he decided to look into making Chanukah treats: edible dreidels and menorah. I suggested that he write down the shopping list of what we need. I cannot tell how many times we have found ourselves in this situation: he comes up with a project with multiple items, I suggest making a list of what he needs, he balks, and that's the end of it. Tonight a small miracle took place. He said, OK, went to the fridge, tore off a shopping list form, and copied the ingredients that we are missing. I was barely containing my excitement, he finally had to write and just wrote, no freak-out, no meltdown, no avoidance. He even had to write down Hershey kisses, which he could not copy. He asked for help. I told him to write down "her" and he capitalized it, then he said, "sh" and then "e". I added "y". For "kisses" he wrote "kise', then said that it's not right, switched "e" for "s" and remembered "es". To top off tonight's feat, he also colored in the lines.

Not huge accomplishments for a 7 yo, I know, but these are good strides in the right direction.

I leave you with an image of Pikachu helping Maccabees out, courtesy of 9 yo.

good day

How do I know that we're having a good day? When we come to the end of it, and all is well.

Yesterday we opened up Handwriting Without Tears. I ordered script for 9 yo ( he had hard time with capitals), print practice for 7 yo and preschool book for 3 yo ( so that she does not feel left out. 7 yo eagerly stated on his. He did three pages yesterday and three pages today, and this was his choice. I thought about doing just one and stopping, but he kept on going. 9 yo did his script yesterday, but did not touch it today. Moreover, after his handwriting, 7 yo sat on the floor and wrote "are" to show 3 yo. He was not sure how to spell it and he was not sure how to write "r", but he still wrote it. Little accomplishment like this feels big.

Then he did chumash. He did another pasuk, reviewed yesterday's pasuk and listened to baal koreh. He is basically memorizing it, and I see him moving his lips along with baal koreh. He said he likes trop, so I am thinking of teaching it to him.

9 yo did his math first, then his chumash with some prodding. When we got to atsei gopher, he made a joke about it being made out of gophers. I showed him Rashi: kach sh'mo ( so it is called) and he could not stop talking about gopher trees. I asked him to bring graph paper and we were writing down info on how to build an ark. After I wrote down the dimensions, I asked him to draw a scale model. Next thing I knew, he was making one! He added a little cabin on top, and I showed him where in Rashi there is a support for his idea. he was disturbed that the ark did not have a sharp protrusion in the front like a boat ( he used the technical word for it which I am not familiar with) and that there were no oars or rudder. I never thought about those things. It must have been very depressing for Noach to know that he has no control over where his vessel will take him.

When we were reviewing yesterday's pesukim, he asked about "all flesh" being corrupted. I pointed out Rashi which says that animals mated outside their species. he said, like mule and I remembered seeing a recent post about a zonkey ( a zebra/donkey hybrid). When we googled it, we found out that there is one on a nature reserve about an hour away from us. These guys are rare, so I sense a trip coming up!

7 yo did his math without any issues today, it was on ordinal numbers which he knew, and he did not mind writing as much.

In addition to all this schoolwork, we also went to Costco ( I found myself without shredded cheese and this is a crisis!) The kids were very helpful, getting items into the cart and unloading at the checkout. The boys ran asked about pneumatic tube system next to the cash registers. I explained it as well as I could.
through the store together and worked as a team to shove a large box of diapers under the cart. At the end, I treated everyone to frozen yogurt. While we were eating it, 7 yo

We also went to taekwondo. There 7 to collided with another kid before they even got started, got a bruise above his eye, and sat out during the class. He was disappointed not to start his training as a green belt.

Today did not feel so unschool-y, but it did not feel like school day either. 9 yo got a ton of time to read, go on Google maps and draw, 7 yo and 3 yo played most of the time. They converted Costco boxes into boats and had a picnic with stuffed animals in their room. Maybe this is a good balance of school-y and child-directed activities that everyone can feel good about.

back to school?

Today we did so much, that it is possible to say we started the school year.

By the time I got up, 9 yo was dressed and davened. He took out recycling as an extra chore, for a fee. He is still getting the logistics of it, but I am glad that he is doing it. The rest of the kids had breakfast and got dressed. I did chumash with 9 yo first. We finished Breishit, and he was happy. He remembered Rashis from yesterday, but did not ask any questions on frankly bizarre pesukim at the very end of Breishit. He finished the family tree of Adam and asked, when are we going to Six Flags for a siyum? Hearing this, 7 yo got upset. I showed him that we were on 12th pasuk of Lech Lecha, and had to finish the perek at 20th. I asked him, how many more pesukim do we have? He used fingers and toes to figure out that it's 8. He is also getting the idea of gemmatria. Once he saw the amount, he wanted to do extra, so today we reviewed and did the last pasuk of the first aliyah. She asked about the word sheni written in his workbook, and I explained what that meant. I had to remind him about sh'va na and nach as he was reading.

9 yo started mishnayot this week with a local rabbi. They started on Succah, we'll see how it goes. We are aiming for three times a week for the next month. He is reading nicely, and tonight when I reviewed it with him, translating quite well, too. He explained a few things to me.

Yesterday we went to a sand workshop with homeschool co-op. There they asked everyone to make a name tag.  I called up the boys to make their own. 9 yo took care of it, while 7 yo hesitated in writing his own name. 3 yo looked up at me and said that she cannot write her name, and I assured her that I will write it for her. 7 yo could not complete the task until I wrote his name and he copied it with great frustration. I was panicking: the whole idea of unschooling is that when the need arises, the skill is taught, yet here was a clear need, but no desire to learn. Moreover, he definitely should be able to write his name! So while 9 yo was learning mishna, I called 7 yo over and said that I will teach him to write his name, for future use. He asked whether it will include last name (ours is long). I sad, yes. He promptly threw a fit, said he cannot do it, does not need it, I can't make him, etc. He left to his room. I was plenty busy with the other kids, especially since 3 yo wanted help with aleph-bet book and I was holding a fussy baby. Five minutes later he came to show more frustration. I was nervous about disturbing 9 yo and his rebbe. Finally, I told 7 yo that he can either write his name, or any word that he likes; I will write it for him to copy. He asked about when his Handwriting Without Tears will arrive (he asked for it the other week, only he was crying and called it Handwriting With Tears). He is convinced that it will fix all his troubles with writing. I sad that we can track the package after he writes something, since the book will not be teaching him how tow write his name. Then he said he wants to write something easy, like the word "easy". I jumped on it. He had such hard time forming letters even when the model was right above... I am not so sure whether unschooling writing will work for this kid. Handwriting With Minimal Tears is supposed to arrive tomorrow, we'll see how that goes.

A bit later I showed the boys the math texts I got for the upcoming year, so that they will be familiar with what we'll be using. I ordered Math Mammoth for 9 yo (per his request) and Spectrum Math for 7 yo. I asked 7 yo when we would like to get started on math and he said, tomorrow. A bit later I showed 9 yo all of his math and asked him the same question. He said, never. I said that it is not an appropriate response. He said, fine, I will do some pages today. I sort of sat next to him and sort of held 3 yo on my lap. He was slogging his way through division problems. They were not hard, but I wondered to myself why they would start the text with division as opposed to some review of last year's material, or place value, or some warm-ups. At some point he got frustrated, and his multiplication was shaky, especially of the higher numbers. I ended up writing in some answers for him, he solved the problems in his head. This was taking waaay longer than I anticipated. 3 yo was restless and 7 yo started his song  that nobody pays any attention to him or spends any time with him. I said, you could be doing math and getting attention, if you want. He said that he will open his book and see what's in there. Here is the cool part: he decided to do the first two pages! They were easy, and he did it boom, boom, boom, except when he was asked to spell out 13 and 8. He froze there, and no offers of writing them down and copying worked. Meanwhile, 9 yo finished his math. As we were closing his binder, I noticed that he was in the middle of a paper stack. Then it hit me: instead of doing the first lesson, he did the first lesson of the second workbook! No wonder it was hard, and did not feel like warm-up! The good news is, maybe we do not need to spend so much time on the first section. Math Mammoth is very thorough, which is another way to say "boring"...

In the middle of the day, the kids found pipe cleaners and Styrofoam balls and designed all sorts of things out of them. The balls were poked and produced quite a mess that required vacuuming. The boys fought over who will vacuum it up.

At taekwondo, both boys got their green belts. 9 yo got his gear yesterday, and today was a sparring day, so they got to suit up and fight. During the car ride back, they discussed who got kicked where and whom did they kick. I, personally, could do taekwondo without the sparring part, just the discipline and moves.

Before we left for taekwondo, I made flounder for dinner. When we got home, 9 yo raised a bit of a stink that it's not tilapia, so I put him in charge of making a vegetable to go with dinner. I had to nurse anyway. He chopped up a garden cucumber and then peeled a carrot into strips and mixed it all in a bowl with some Italian dressing. Voila! He felt quite accomplished. The flounder turned out to be a hit despite not being tilapia, not a piece remained.

I am still trying to figure out what makes the boys tick the way they do. When 9 yo was working on that hard math and was getting frustrated with writing stuff down, he told me that as long as he does not need to show any work, he can do anything, "even that thing that Einstein did". I said that in math you cannot just have theory, you need proofs. 9 yo has so much ga'ava ( pride, self-esteem) that he almost always needs to be slightly deflated to reality. 7 yo, on the other hand, has none of that. I need to reassure him that he can do it, he knows it, he is able. I wonder whether 7 yo gets along better with people because no ga'ava gets in the way.

a day of Chanukah

Today we did HaNerot Halalu with 6 yo and Al Hanisim with 8 yo. I found on chinuch.org a printout, with Hebrew text on one side, and the other side blank.

6 yo highlighted prefixes that he knew, and plural suffixes. Then we sat together and I helped him translate, line by line.

8 yo wrote in as much translation as he could muster on his own. Then we went over, and I added shorashim  for the words he knew. We looked up a few words in the dictionary. Overall, I was quite impressed, both with his skills ( he translated about three-fourths unassisted) and with mine (I only was not sure of a word or two).

We did some journaling. I assigned either writing from the perspective of one of the soldiers in Yehuda HaMacabee's army or any topic of their choosing. 6 yo threw a fit, then wrote two sentences about he does not want to write, wants to have free time and schoolwork is boring. He corrected "schoolwork" on his own, since "school" was one of his spelling words. 8 yo wrote a nice little story. I got my creative writing done, too, so this post might be a bit boring. I like the idea of journalling next to the kids, but it might take a long time till it is all fun and productive.

In the more fun department, we had to get an emergency menorah for 6 yo. He made a beautiful clay one, and painted it, but it cracked two nights ago. So today we made a run to the local Judaica store. They did not have many choices, but I think 6 yo found the one he was happy with.



When we got home, the kids watched Shalom Sesame Chanukah. I have it on tape, and when that tape goes ( or the VCR), it will be a sad day here. Then we set up the candles, and while we were waiting for my husband to get home, we made dreidel art. Basically, we took a tray and put a piece of paper inside. Then we took plastic and metal dreidels, dipped the tips in paint, and spun them on the paper. I was expecting more of spirals, but we ended up with spin art. The kids loved it, even 8 yo who originally claimed no interest.

8 yo's edible menorah in the "snow" 

We are also trying to finish up a wooden model of the Beit Hamikdash, would be nice to wrap it up before the end of Chanukah.

the ups and downs

We had our siyum in Cupz and Cake. When I got up, both boys were dressed, and sitting quietly on the couch, reading, ready to go. The breakfast went well, till we got to the decadent desserts, which made everyone a bit too hyper and proved to be a bit too rich to finish.

8 yo wrote Rosh HaShana cards. He wrote on one card the whole "Leshana Tova..." in Hebrew, out of his own free will. When it came time to address the envelopes, it took him four tries to get it right. I am not talking perfection, I am talking that the post office would actually deliver the letter: on the right side, with the right amount of lines, legible, in the middle of the envelope. He did two today, I wonder if he will do more tomorrow or later. I wonder how many adults would give up after the first try. Or, maybe, not try at all.

6 yo cracked his first chapter book. It was Captain Underpants. I cringe. I cannot believe this book is in our house. I cannot believe that out of all other great books we have (Magic Tree House, abridged classics, etc), THIS is what he is interested in reading. But I think that it is written lightly, with 6 yo boy humor, and he occasionally stops to tell me a joke. He is comprehending and talking about what he is reading. Just before I am ready to shrug my shoulders, I see that he put it down and switched over to Artscroll's Children's Book of Yonah. Now I have no objections, and he is equally engaged.

8 yo cannot figure out a basic addition problem in math. I am at my wits' end. We finished the review of basic addition/subtraction. He understands everything he has to do, but he has no sense that the answer to "something minus seven is three" cannot be "four". I pull out an abacus to show him what it means. He tells me that he is embarrassed, but I do not see comprehension. I doubt myself. I doubt my approach to math. I wonder whether he just does not have number sense, whether all the math he does happens mindlessly, mechanically. I am worried that he will end up like most Americans, with so many years of math schooling, and no conception of what it all means. But then he sits down and designs a perfect paper airplane, with smooth, straight, far flight, and perfect balance. Then he tells me that he wants to learn how to design computer ads. Then he knows exactly who Neil Armstrong was. Then he spends the afternoon reading his history book. Then I see that there is nothing to despair over.

6yo screams about mental math problems. He has to count till seven, I know he knows how to count till seven. He believes that he can't. He threw his pencil, he got his pencil, he is writhing on the floor. I am calm. I am not calm any more. I tell him to go outside and cool off. He throws his pencil again. I tell him he lost his dessert. He finishes his mental problems. He melts down over trying to draw fish to illustrate one of the problems. The fish look like circles with squiggly tails. I can tell that he gave up on the fish. He eerily knows exactly how to illustrate all the problems, only they all have abstract circles in different groupings. I think of my husband, who claims that he cannot draw. I think about my father, he claimed the same thing. I think how yesterday 6 yo declared his 2 yo sister to be a great artist, based on her expressive doodles. I think how 2 yo has no problem doodling anything she wants, and then declaring that this is a house, and this is a person, and there is some green over there, all stripey.

After all the schoolwork is done, 6 yo enters the kitchen:
"Mommy, you are making me do all this work which wastes time!"
"What is it that you want to do?"
"I want to have time to play!"

After this, he proceeded to read Captain Underpants.

First day of school

I decided to start early, so today was the first day. The chagim are in a month, and I want to be able to take off some days for errands and cooking. My sister is getting married after Succot, and that means at least a week off. I think this earlier start gives me peace of mind to take off more when I need to.

It is funny to proclaim today the first day of school. The kids have been learning all summer long. They have been reading, going on hikes, doing projects, holding discussions, asking questions. Why is today different from all other days? Before you say, well, TODAY you did formal school work, yesterday 8 yo surprised me. I sent him to get his siddur and to daven, he came out with HWT script book, opened it up and started to teach himself script! He got through two letters before I reminded him that it is time to daven.

Yesterday, I had someone come and help me organize our homeschooling space, hence the reason we started on a Tuesday, not Monday. We homeschoolers can afford to be flexible like that. We put all art supplies in the sunroom instead of having them spread out all over the house. Almost all, I should say. I decided to keep Moon Dough and paint out of reach, as well as extra rolls of tape and glue. While we were doing this, a lot of supplies and crafts which were hiding came out. 6 yo picked up a weaving board, the one for potholders and decided to make one. Now, he tried before. Usually, he strung it in one direction, then got confused with weaving the cross ribbons, then got frustrated and then his brother would come and "rescue" his project, with him abandoning all craftsmanship. This time, he stuck with it and got it. He worked under-over with his fingers, and was ready to finish the edge, but it was time to go to tae kwon do ( which was cancelled, but we only found out once we got there). When we got home, I showed him how to finish the edge and he did three sides, with the last side slipping off and requiring some help. Overall, he did take ownership of his project.

So today was the first day of something or other. I made pancakes for breakfast ( to assure cheerful mood in kids) and we are going out for dinner ( to assure cheerful mood in mommy). After breakfast, we davened, but not before I almost made them unload a dirty dishwasher. 8 yo went first, after his davening, I called him over , opened up my planner and asked him what are his goals for the year. This is his list:

• science: experiments, chemistry, density, physics, explosions, make your own experiments, electricity, anatomy, wildlife, being able to identify all animals and plants
• history: early civilizations, ancient China, American history
• surviving in the wild, camping
• computer: typing, email, downloading and installing games
• chess and checkers, Monopoly
• opening a bank account
• technology: mechanics, build your own train without instructions
• cooking: make anything in any cookbook

Pretty ambitious, huh? I should keep on looking at this list any time I think he is lacking motivation.

Then, after 6 yo davened, I asked him the same.This is his list:

• science: atoms, molecules, elements
• geography: the world, China, Africa
• chess: learn good moves

I think he overheard his brother, which is a pity. I think I will wait a week and sit him down somewhere separately, to pick his brain.

I wrote up plans for each boy. In hindsight, 8 yo wanted to spend much more time on each activity than I allocated, so I found myself telling him to drop what he was doing and move on to something else. I will have to rethink this. My goal is to be able to assign him certain things and then let him complete them on his own, just bringing it back to me to check periodically. I am aware that it might not happen this year or the next.

Here is what we actually got done with 8 yo: color in a political map of Africa, label different countries, do Rosetta Stone, cover another letter in script, write in his journal about dinosaurs, do Math Mammoth, do spelling with Spelling Power, review first two pesukim in 22nd perek of Vayeira and Rashi on "take your son", review Rashi script.

Surprises: he can add two digit numbers, but is still flimsy with addition facts up to ten ( grrr), he remembered the Rashi word for word from many months ago, he did not want to review but plunge right into the middle of the perek even though he did no remember some words, he much rather write about dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures than anything else, listing facts rather than descriptions, he is very eager to do script and write everything in script, he remembers all of Rashi's letters but forgot how to write Hebrew script.

Here is what we did with 6 yo: HWT print, reviewed frog jump capitals and he wrote his name, remembering to use lower case. We started Tefila Workbook, with the first words of every bracha, understanding from Baruch till Bemitzvotav. Math Mammoth kindergarden review of counting and number writing. Rosetta Stone and Yesh lanu Lama. Unofficially, he played with the scale and geoboards. He asked me, how do they teach math? I showed him how to make squares, triangles, rectangles, rhombus. I taught him quadrilateral and pentagon and octagon. He also stitched together a puppet.

Surprises: his handwriting has improved much more and he has more stamina, he even kept saying how all writing today was easy. He claimed  not to know the meaning of a single word in a bracha, except for Hashem, so I had to go much slower than I planned. He did not complain about Rosetta Stone. He completely melted down at Lama, so I decided to start all the way at the beginning of the books, to review reading skills and vocabulary. He did first five units quite speedily, so hopefully it will come back to him.

I was asked what am I doing with 2 yo while I am teaching the boys. Here is what she did: davened, hung out on the couch, sat at the table while the boys were writing, opened up base ten blocks and built with them, painted watercolor on the kitchen table while the boys did more writing, ate lunch with the boys, started on a puppet with 6 yo (he finished his, she did about half, never would have thought that she could do it, but there it is, she can sew through prepunched holes), napped.

It is 3 pm, we are done and ready to enjoy and nice quiet lazy summer afternoon.

lots of hours

After some deliberation, I decided to make today more of a regular school day and then tomorrow and Wednesday can be dedicated to Purim prep.

The boys davened one at a time, with 2 yo stuffing a bear sleeping bag with dominoes in the meanwhile. Give kids limited toys and unlimited time, and they will come up with more creative ways to use them than you can imagine.

Then it was time to pick schoolwork. 7 yo picked writing. For today, I asked him to write his own myth. He has been reading a lot of them, discussing them with my husband, reading about ancient Greece, so I thought that should give him an opportunity to combine his knowledge with creativity. He went for it and spent a long time writing, over an hour. He pulled out Mythlopedia, for source material, and then he kept commenting how he's mixing up myths. His Medusa was turning everyone to ice and lived in Australia. His Hercules was product of Poseidon and Hera and was imprisoned in Egypt. I got impatient a couple times and was ready to interrupt him and ask him to move onto the next activity, but he kept on writing. Fortunately, a friend of mine shared a blog entry that she saw, which reminded me that only by putting in this many uninterrupted hours in whatever he's interested in, will I see quality results. So I let him be. When he finished, he wanted to type it up. That we'll save for tomorrow.

In the meanwhile, 5 yo did handwriting ( letter y), math (we rolled a large foam die and added up numbers on its sides), reading (he asked me to read The Dot, about a child who thinks she cannot draw, so all she does is a big dot) and Purim handout from chinuch.org He read the handout and wrote in most answers, so we got more handwriting/reading practice.

By this point, 5 yo was almost done with his planned activities, while 7 yo still had quite a list to go. He started off on his Purim booklet, which was fill in the blank of the Megillah. He ended up working on that till completion.

Then we had lunch. 7 yo picked Megillah and was involved. We finished second perek. I'm using Artscroll Youth Megillah, so there are definite "edited out" spots. I decided not to explain more than he asks, just that Esther was in a bad position whether Achashverosh picked her or not. He also thought it was nuts that Achashverosh gathered up girls the second time. And, of course, he wanted to know why Bigtan and Teresh were plotting against the king. It's that siyum at the end that he really was after.

Then he did math, which involved measuring weight and volume. I do not have a metric scale ( gasp), so I had hard time explaining grams and kilograms. I'm a bit worried that he will think the relationship between them is similar to pounds and ounces. Volume involved cups and quarts. I pulled out measuring cups and let him pour water at the sink and measure away, while 5 yo did ktiva and Yesh Lanu Lama.

7 yo was not happy when 5 yo finished all his work and he still had a few things left to do. 5 yo asked to watch TV, I said yes, but then he decided to wait for his brother. 7 yo had to do those Purim sentences, this time to copy them in Hebrew. He decided that he does not want to organize them by pesukim first, then put them in order and then copy. I said, fine, do it whichever way, but you do need to copy them. He thrashed around for a bit. 5 yo went downstairs to watch TV, which did motivate 7 yo to start working. This time he did organize the cards first. When he was copying them, he paraphrased a few to make them shorter. Mother necessity, where would we be...

By the time he finished, 5 yo woke up, so we went to a new bakery for siyum. The boys chose frozen yogurt, which was half off. I got myself a cup of tea. The boys declared that place to be fancy. Afterwards, it was gymnastics, followed by a library run, mostly to return DVDs and pick up items on hold. I told boys, one book out only. 7 yo went to the computer with the catalog, he wanted another Mythlopedia book. Mysteriously, they were shown to be in library, but were not on the shelves. We even got the librarians involved. Meanwhile, 2 yo made friends and was busy climbing onto library benches, giggling loudly. I just grabbed her and ran. So much for a quick in-and-out visit.

One of the hold items was Beethoven's Wig 4. It is classical music with witty words sang to it, usually introducing the composer and the nature of the piece, too. Unfortunately, now I cannot listen to those pieces without singing the words in my head.

Starbucks siyum

Got up late, for us. It was after 7.  By 9, we were all dressed and breakfasted. They boys davened. 5 yo started with Rosetta Stone: nothing like a little competition for the computer with your older brother to serve as motivation. 7 yo read history from Story of the World. I know that it is meant to be read to a child, but he's nicely reading it by himself. I printed out a map of the Middle East and we marked off Fertile Crescent, Lower and Upper Egypt ( he really liked that they are upside down), Babylonia and Assyria. He also colored in the seas of the region.

Then he went to do Rosetta Stone while 5 yo did Yesh Lanu Lama ( body parts) and ketiva. Today he told me which words to write in which blanks, but the body parts he labeled by himself. I had to restrain him from starting on the next letter.

7 yo came up to do megillah. We finished first perek. He read each pasuk in Hebrew from Artscroll Youth Megilah and then we translated together. He remarked how Achashverosh's law sounded dumb, something that people already knew. Then he asked for a small siyum. I suggested walking to Starbucks; I needed shredded cheese from local kosher grocery. The weather was gorgeous today, so it was a nice little outing. At Starbucks, 5 yo turned around and thanked me for taking them out. Those little spontaneous moments of appreciation make my heart melt.

On the way back, a ladybug landed on my glasses. 7 yo took it off and tried carrying it home, but it bit him and flew away. 5 yo found some beetles on the sidewalk. We stopped by our frost-bitten magnolia and noted how new leaves were forming, even though all blooms were brown and shriveled.

I put up noodles for lunch, and boys did math. 7 yo practiced multiplication of 4s, 5s and 6s. 5 yo worked on even-odd and comparing numbers. 7 yo was checking 5 yo's work; free reinforcement. While the noodles were still boiling, 5 yo brought out weaving board to make a trivet. He started on one a while back, but could not get the weaving part. This time, after making a woven place mat in homeschooling coop, he succeeded. He only put in one loop, but he got the hang and the coordination of alternating under-over.

During lunch, 7 yo suddenly asked why do we remove chametz( leaven) from our houses and not, say, logs for Pesach. I tried answering as quickly as I could, but I wish I would have saved it for a more in-depth, calmer discussion.

Then I read Bill Nye book about germs to both boys. 5 yo read to me The Shape of Me. Then 7 yo did sentences from the megillah, this time I asked him to put them in order of the story. He resisted a bit, but did it in the end. I asked whether he wants to write them down in order now and he said no. We agreed to do it tomorrow. Looks like another overscheduled Friday coming up.

Then 7 yo did a description of a photo from National Geographic. he got 4-5 sentences. I explained that a good description allows people to imagine what the picture is like without seeing it. I also tried introducing a more formal voice, but it might be a bit too hard for him.

5 yo finished handwriting and then I decided to try spelling. I used Spelling Power, just started at the lowest level. I was nicely surprised that he willingly followed along, and got all words right except for that. He wrote dat. Might be my darn Russian accent confusing him...

5 yo reminded me to check on our beans, I put it on the schedule, but completely forgot. Some have molded, but some are growing roots and one even put out leaves. We also checked on the ones in paper towel, there we got nice fat roots and fuzzy root hairs.

Looking forward to taking everyone out to Botanical Gardens this afternoon.