When is the right time?

 There used to be this post going around how at different points in life you want different things, but you don't have them when you want them. It was something like you want sleep when you're a new parent, and energy when you're old and money when you're young. It was true but ironic.

I got to the pool today. I ended up bringing only 8 yo and 5 yo which meant that the youngest who still does not swim and who resembles Heihei from Moana will not repeatedly try to drown. There were friends for both of these kids to swim with. I brought my swim cap and goggles. That meant I was all free to swim, right?

At some point in my life, around high school and college, I would have done anything for an opportunity like this. I loved the water, I loved swimming. I felt comfortable. I had half a year of swim lessons/team. All that was missing was free access to the pool, and ability to swim separate from men.

I got in the pool, swam here, swam there. I did yoga earlier in the day, and that was more intense than expected. I still could not work out my breathing. After two rounds across the pool, not even two laps, I was out of breath.

My mom friends offered to go sit near the lap pool so I could swim laps. I laughed, because I had no ability to do those laps.

Here we go, the opportunity was here, but I had no ability to make the most of it.

And then it thundered.
And the kids, who were not done, begged to be taken to the indoor pool. And I had zero desire get into the much cooler water again.

May our opportunities and our abilities match up.

davening at the gate

I had a twenty-four-hour whirlwind out of town trip for a wedding. I went solo. No children, no schedules, no reminders. It was jam-packed with reunions and a whole lot of talking for an introvert.
Yet as I was waiting to board an early morning flight back home, I opened up a siddur app to daven. Oh, I did say brachot on the flight in, but it was more in my usual tone of mechanical mumbling in the desire to discharge my obligation of tefila before I eat. On this trip back, I found myself wanting to daven, wanting to find the meaning behind well-worn familiar words. No, I did not say more than birchot hashahar since I was waiting at the gate. However, even that five-minute tefila had a different flavor than what I usually end up doing.

I keep on thinking how few positive and uplifting davening experiences I have. There was unbelievable davening in Israel, that I attributed to being surrounded by people who understand the words and mean them. There was my intense desire to daven at the Kotel because in the presence of those ancient stones a different mood comes over me. I want to pour my heart out. There was Rosh haShana tefila that I cried over this year, asking and beseeching Hashem to please give me a good year and prolong life. I think that was influenced by my belief that I am surrounded by a caring congregation. That illusion has since fallen away. I cannot daven in a place of hypocrisy. I have been having hard time going to shul, simply physically entering the building. I have attended a few bar mitzvahs, but I cannot fake a tefila.

So what do I need to daven?

• removal from the ordinary
• brain space away from children
• a feeling of security and trust
• a heartache
• a space to organize my thoughts

I do not know the answer to the biggest personal theological question: why did I end up in this pickle? Why did we end up in a community where the rabbi and the shul are the major obstacles to prayer and halachik observance? Why did Hashem lead us on this path?

And what do I tell my children about G-d and prayer? How can I lead them by example when I do not feel comfortable in shul and cannot model "good davening behavior"? I know I am modeling integrity, but I do not know if my kids know or appreciate the full extent of my dilemma.

stress-free Pesach

I discovered the secret to a stress-free Pesach. I have been making Pesach for 15 years, so I had a lot of practice.

Listen, the secret is this:

• Don't be pregnant.
• Don't have a newborn.
• Don't be nursing.
• Don't have a crawling baby.
• Don't have children around who spread Cheerios all over multiple times a day.
• Put your children in school so you have plenty of time to hit multiple stores multiple times in search of out-of-town ingredients like yogurt and butter and parsnips.
• Don't make a bris on Pesach (or right after Pesach).
• Don't make a bar mitzvah on Pesach.
• Have year-round cleaning help.

But the biggest secret is that this year I cannot muster that care or anxiety or drive or whatever it is called that sends me into a frenetic cleaning and panic mode. If it will get done, it will get done. If it won't get done, then it won't. Contrasting to the previous years, I have cried from Pesach stress only once so far (but there is still four more days, so stay tuned, freak-out might be coming). This could care less attitude resulted in me yelling at my teary-eyed daughter who wanted to make meringues with me. Too bad it was way after her bedtime. She refused to go to bed. She stalled. And then she came to tell me how she waited THE WHOLE YEAR to make those meringues. Well, I needed them to be the last thing I made for the night because they need to sit in the oven overnight to dry out. So I callously yelled at her. (The meringues turned out sticky. Midda kneged midda? An opportunity for another batch?)

The truth is, I am suffering from caregiver fatigue. When you spend so much time, so much energy and control yourself so much in order to care for someone, you become callous and snappy to everyone else. Sadly, the nearest and dearest did not notice that I have snapped.

But there were all those years and all those babies. And all those people who expected to be hosted, and doted on. And I did all that, all the while slowly breaking inside.

I have invited company for Yom Tov because I feel like I am the fortunate one, without that baby on the hip this year. I am aware that there are others worse off than I am. But there is also a part of me that does not expect anything great from Pesach anymore. I used to plot and strategize how to engage the kids, what shtick to do, how to make Seder about an educational experience and not about the food or the mumbling of the Hagaddah. This year, it will be same old, same old. Someone will be crying. Someone will be complaining. Someone will be unhappy. The food and the effort will be lost in the less-than-pleasant atmosphere. The fun and the lightness: that will come with Chol Hamoed that my school kids await like the coming of Moshiach. But Pesach proper will grind on.

It would be so much easier if I did not think about all of this. It would be easier if I did not consider all the years of small babies and pregnancies as a cruel joke. I have one March baby and three April babies. Oh, you want more from your Yom Tov experience, do you? Well, what can you expect when the kids are little? But the kids do not stay little forever, and the older kids grow up in the shadow of parents being overwhelmed by the little ones. All they experience is stressed-out Pesach.

My oldest three have taken to skipping out on Shabbos lunch. First I rejoiced: they have peers who invite them out! Then I realized that it is not what they are running to that matters, it is what they are running from. By now, I don't know if I have it within me to stop the tide. I just hope that I have a few more years till the children will skip out on the family Seder.

As for me, I will go back to puttering in the kitchen, moving boxes of dishes, cooking in less-than-ideal conditions and focusing on not crying.

Fee(n)ding for themselves

Last day of the winter vacation for the dayschool kids, and they made both lunch and dinner. Yes, that includes even my moody teenager. He was tired of leftovers. So he made mulligatawny soup and garlic bread. I was downstairs organizing with a friend, so I was not available at all. I would have settled for PBJ or chick patties, as long as I did not have to supervise. But the three older kids rallied together and made soup and bread. And then they rebelled against even more leftovers for dinner, so they made mac-n-cheese (from scratch because I don't use boxed stuff, so that's how they think mac-n-cheese is supposed to be).

And before that, on New Year's Day, when I finally got everyone back from the JCC swimming pool, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. Yeah, doctor's wives do not get a winter break. We get pinch hitting calls when the legal holidays are many and the Jewish doctors cover for everyone. And nothing is open. So I took everyone to JCC for an AM swim before they would close. I promised them hot pretzels, but the cafe closed (or was it never open?) before we came out. By the time we got home and I was faced with a full load of chlorinated laundry after wrestling two kids through showers, the last thing I wanted to do was worry about lunch.

Same older kids jumped on it. 7 yo scrambled eggs. 11yo and 13yo worked together to make a vegetarian taco salad, served on top of skillet-toasted tortillas. They even fed something to the younger siblings because they practiced no child left behind.

How do I explain to all the moms who rejoice that the break is over and that the kids are back at school that these moments of motivation do not happen when they are gone? That 13 yo has not been packing his lunch, let alone making food for others?

I know, I know, kids can cook in their spare time. Kids can cook for Shabbos. Kids can cook on Sundays. I know I could have made this post into a feel-good story about how independent my kids are, how good. But I really wonder what stands behind their motivation. Why do they rise to an occasion only when they have been home for a while, and not on a daily basis? Are they too stressed and overwhelmed? Do they need to spend a large chunk of time bonding as a family first, and then they start to see the needs? Do I need to completely drop out of a picture for them to rise to an occasion? Or do they feel cornered, like there is no grown-up who will "take care" of them, so they might as well fend for themselves?

As much as their actions look good, I think it is very important to find out what is driving them. Each one might be driven by a different factor, too.

Where is inreach?

"There is no inreach", tells me a FFB person. I was chatting about text-based learning, about my visceral desire to grow. "At the end of the day, I don't want sources, I want to read about emunah. Before you complain, ask, did you get everything there is to get from inspirational classes?"

This remark devastates me. This is lashon hara, evil speech, and no amount of classes on Shmirat HaLashon will explain how deeply such words wound. There is no inreach. I do not connect to spiritual classes. I have gone to women's talks for years and I liken them to cotton candy: sweet, inflated, empty calories. I leave them and I hunger for more, all the while regretting the time wasted away. When I learn a text in depth, when I grapple with it. when I have to work my brain cells, make connections, look words up, that's when I get the satisfaction of learning Torah.

The SEED boys are in town for the past week. My boys have been going to shul to learn with them. On erev Tisha BeAv my 11 yo came back beaming after learning for hours. He has started his bar mitzvah parsha prep. This brought tears to my eyes: in six years of homeschooling, this is FIRST TIME that someone who is not his parent and who is not getting paid, learned with him what he wanted to learn. I did not think it will be like that. I thought there will be people (rabbis? fathers? bachirim? older gentlemen?) who would hear of our homeschooling journey, see that we are baalei teshuva, see that we do not have skills, just see an interested kid, and help him out. He came home glowing. The boy who was learning with him did not care that he has anxiety, that he might not have skills of a 6th grader, that he was rejected by two schools... He was here to learn with the boys and here was a boy, ready to learn.

On Tisha BeAv proper, I encountered this statement from Gemara:

It was apropos for our situation: please learn with me! Please make time. Please find energy. Please do it as a chesed. Please get me to the level where I can learn on my own. It is taught as one of the causes of the Destruction. Yet I have not seen anyone talk about it. Perhaps it is painful to wonder what is to become of all the baalei teshuva, the ones who know just enough to be observant on the outside, yet do not get the life-sustaining gift of in-depth learning.

In Lech lecha, when Avram goes to Canaan, he brings with him "all the souls that they made in Haran". A classic interpretation of those souls is all the people whom Avram taught about G-d. Yet this is the only mention that we have of them. Where are they? Presumably, they did not stick around. Maybe, just maybe, despite Avram's efforts at hospitality, he was really holding out for his biological son. Maybe there was no inreach, and the believers slowly, yet inevitably, left.

What is to become of the baal teshuva movement? What is to become of all those who do not have an established network of relatives and rebbeim to plug into? What is to become of those who thirst for more, yet are so misunderstood by those enjoying the privileges of being "on the inside"? What is there to tell that just because you have been frum for years, there is still no family to have you over for a Pesach seder? That all divrei Torah at that seder are on you (and your husband who is working overtime so he can have Seder off)? I know that plenty of those who have come to Orthodox Judaism on their own are afraid to admit the gulf of ignorance beyond browsing halachot on Aish or emailing rabbis at OU. They read English side of the siddur, hoping that nobody notices. They read the Hebrew side, but it might as well be in Chinese. They put their kids in school, hoping that someone out there will teach them and they will be able to do more. Those parents still cannot review Chumash with their kids, let alone Gemara.

We talk and talk about how Torah learning is important. Well, let's learn some Torah. And if you are able to teach, let's teach some Torah lishma.

two steps forward, one step back

We are in the middle of Shemot with 10 yo, moving right along, I think I will end up with the best textual preparation because of this; I have never read so many Rashis.

10 yo finished Bava Kamma, and we are almost done reviewing it. For the past few months, he has been going to shul with my husband for minyan, then staying to learn with his rebbe and scootering back home, and then, most days, going to taekwondo. To me, this sounded like an ideal set-up: get your davening and Torah learning done first thing in the morning, when you are fresh, and then get some physical exercise, to get your body moving. Unfortunately, it has not been panning out. He was cranky about leaving the house so early, upset about having to scarf down breakfast, and feeling that he has no time. He seemed to be retaining mishnaiyot just fine, but he was clearly not happy, dragging his feet. Once he finished Bava Kamma, we decided to take a break from formal mishna learning till after Pesach. I don't exactly know what we will choose to do at that point. Drop mishna for the summer? Find a difference set-up for learning? Jump right back in?

Meanwhile, in my panicky state of "when am I ever going to teach kids about Pesach, if it is not happening again this year", I decided to review mishna Pesachim with 10 yo. He is nor super-enthusiastic about it, but his younger brother eagerly asked whether he can join us and learn mishna together. 8 yo has been able to read the text of the mishna, and talk about the cases that we discussed. He also said how he can stay with 10 yo and his rebbe and learn mishnaiyot together, so his brother would not be lonely. 10 yo responded that his rebbe is more of a one-on-one kind of teacher, feeling infringement on his time.

8 yo asked to learn Rashi script. We have a laminated chart hanging in our dining room, and I do not recall seeing him ever studying it, but he felt ready. In fact, he repeatedly asked me about learning Rashi. I found a workbook that I got years ago for 10 yo, but did not end up using. I was actually looking for a chinuch.org file which I did use previously, but I could not find it, neither on my computer, nor online. 8 yo saw the workbook and asked whether he can do it. So far, he is getting right through, happily filling out pages.

It is funny, since both mishna and Rashi script traditionally start in 3rd grade, and I am pretty sure that were I to introduce 8 yo to them both when he was not ready, he would balk. Now, that he is the one initiating the learning, he is happy as a clam (about these two things).

We are gearing up to take ITBS next week with a bunch of homeschool kids. I am squeezing in as much info as possible, especially into 8 yo. I want him to feel ready, and to work out strategies about what to do about questions that he has not learned yet, or that do not make sense to him. It is working out, and backfiring spectacularly, all at the same time.

What's working: apparently, I can explain months' worth of math in five minutes, and the boys can do it. I can explain contractions, and simple subjects, and not worry whether we have spent a day per each, or just enough for them to understand it and apply it. I explained multi-digit multiplication and simple division to 8 yo, as it came up, and he was using it right away. I explained percent and fractional operations to 10 yo. Of course, it flies in the face of all sorts of educational theories about reinforcement, and not cramming too much material into a too small period of time.

What's backfiring: 8 yo is progressively becoming more anxious about the test. He dissolved into tears the other day, stomped out, threw the test booklet, etc. Ironically, the following day, when he picked it up again, he was able to do most of the work. So this has nothing to do with ability or knowledge. I am  a bit worried that he will shut down during the actual test, but I also hope that he will know what kinds of feelings testing provokes in him, and how to handle them.

Meanwhile, just the other day I was stressing about 5 yo and how she is still not reading. She has been more reluctant to try to read words as I'm reading to her, and we are nowhere near done with the first set of Bob Books. And then, just as I enter the living room, she greets me with the next Bob Book from the series, asking whether we can sit down together to read it. Did she read my mind? The following day, she read the next one to me. Today, she wanted to read one, but I was too frazzled, and she was a bit distracted, too. Maybe we'll pick it up later today, maybe not.

It seems that every time I start to worry, the kids will do something reassuring. And every time I feel that we have found our groove, the kids will do something or other to keep me on my toes. It's a delicate dance, a cha-cha. I am not in the mood of dancing; I am in the mood to put my feet up and have a latte.

mug cakes

A friend posted about making mug cakes. 10 yo saw this post this morning, and made me watch the video which showed how to make those cakes. I was a bit skeptical, but he was very excited by it. I emailed the link to him, asking him to print out the recipes. None of them spoke to me (I am not a fan of food coloring or peanut butter), so I looked up a mug chocolate cake to make for myself.

My chocolate cake

By lunchtime, I made my cake. I did eat real food first. It was easy, and I liked how quickly it went from ingredients to edible product. My eldest sampled a spoonful and made funfetti cake next. I warned him that it is not the same as in the video: he will need to mix it in a bowl and then split it between two mugs. Then I got my behind out of the kitchen, hoping not to meddle.

I was called in a few minutes later with a quote: "Sometimes it looked like spilled milk, and it was the spilled milk." There was a small milk spill being mopped up. Only one parve bowl switched to being milchig. 10 yo did handle the instructions by himself. I showed him how to convert the recipe part calling for self-rising flour to the right baking powder proportion. I did not measure anything out.

We did not have funfetti, but we did have some sprinkles. 10 yo dumped in the last bits, commenting how this is the only product that he knows of that contains trans fat. I inwardly sighed: fine, poison yourself, eat totally unhealthy food. He did need help dividing the batter between two mugs.

When the final product came out, he applied whipped cream and dug in. He went from being all thumbs up to disappointed pretty quickly. "This is terrible! It doesn't even taste good. I don't want to finish it." His brother, who got the other mug, had no problem with his cake. I didn't taste it, being all filled up with yummy chocolate.

Over the weekend. we had a whole discussion about the role of teachers in education. I was thinking about today's experience, and the numerous life lessons it contained. There was very little grown-up input, and no instruction beyond following the recipe. It was a purely child-driven experience: he saw something that caught his eye, he was interested, he had time and resources to carry it out, and he had to assess himself whether he was happy with the results and deal with disappointment.

Another homeschool friend was commenting on inability to do creative things with her older child due to the presence of a much younger sibling. I feel that my kids are finally entering that realm where they can direct their own creative experiences, and I can sit back and wait to be summoned. 1 yo was napping while the mug cake production was going on, but I did not feel responsible for either supervision, or the final result. I was quite relaxed and just enjoying the goings on.

getting creative

It is November. As one of my veteran homeschooling moms reminds me (every year) it is a time for burning out, wanting to throw in a towel, or storm out of the house, get on the first bus to nowhere, and disappear off the face of the earth. It is also a prime time of year to see other people boast about what their kids are accomplishing, and to feel like a total failure.

I am suffering from burnout. I am also suffering from unsaid assumptions that I can take on other responsibilities, and put up with grown-ups behaving like kids. If it wasn't for my brutally honest homeschooling friends, and for some other friends who are willing to put up with my insane mood swings, I would be on that first bus.

I have set a new limit this week: I am off after 2 pm. That means that all the schoolwork that requires mommy's checking or assistance has to be completed by that time. It is probably not the best thing for my kids, for me to be unavailable like that. It is probably another cause of anxiety for 8 yo. But it is a much-needed mental boundary for me. Therefore, now it is 2 pm, 1 yo is still napping, and I can sit down and write a blog while I still feel sane rather than at 10 pm at night.

This new boundary is liberating. I might regret it, and I might not stick with it, but, at the moment, this is what I crave the most.

I love drinking tea and coffee. I allow myself one cup of coffee a day (some days it has to be two, if I don't want to fall asleep while driving). But I drink cups and cups of steaming decaf tea. The sad story of moms and hot drinks is that, often, too much time passes between the time the drink is poured, and mom can actually drink it. And I feel cold, always. Even being pregnant does not warm me up. But coming back to these lukewarm cups of beverage seems to add to misery rather than soothe me. This morning, I poured my tea into an insulated mug. Ah, a moment of inspiration! It has a lid, so the drink stayed warm all while I could casually sip it. I am on my third hot cup, and I am feeling peaceful.

Last summer I got into watercolor painting. I enjoyed it tremendously, and got basic supplies while the kids were in camp. The baby, who was a few months old napped, the kids were at camp, I painted. I also dabble in acrylics, and some pottery painting. The problem, all these lovely hobbies take time and creative energy. All of them are incompatible with an active and demanding toddler. And all of them lose all luster at 10 pm, I am a morning person. That's when I get desire to shake things up, create, give to the world. By the evening time, I am wrung out. I do not want to give, and I do not want to produce. I want a warm blanket on a couch, and a good book.

I found that the longer I went without doing those creative things, the sadder I got. I saw how days went by, but there was nothing that I could show for them. Finally, I just used my babysitter time to go and work on a trivet at a pottery painting place. I happened to pick a pattern which is very heavy on details, so it is taking me multiple sessions to finish it. It is probably not the wisest use of my time, but I am finding that no matter how efficient and productive I am, there is always more to do, and none of that "to do" was going towards my sanity or self-care. Somehow, doing those little curlicues is like a balm. I am not kidding myself into thinking that I am producing a great work of art, but I am relaxing.

What little creative things do you do to boost your mood?

P.S. I am finishing this blog post at 9:30 pm. Sigh...

expectations and anxiety

7 yo's best friend had a birthday party today. He has been anticipating going there for a long time. He checked for the correct date on the calendar. He was counting down the days. This morning, he made a card for his friend, without fuss. I thought it would be so nice that he gets to go without his older meddling brother, and have something cool and exciting just for him.

I drove him over, a bit late, but not too late. He has been to his friend's house dozens of times, so when he came inside, I drove away.

When I came to pick him up two hours later, I saw a bunch of people and kids mulling outside. I did not see 7 yo. I saw the mom, and we went inside to look for him. More people were there. I saw the father of the birthday boy. He asked me what was I doing there. I said, I was picking up my son. He said that he was not at the party. I thought he was kidding with me.

A minute later, 7 yo emerged, in tears, with the mom apologizing. He spent the whole party hiding out in his friend's room! He said that he EXPECTED the party to be outdoors, but it was inside, so he just left and hid out. Now I got it that the father was not kidding: he really did not see my kid for two hours.

7 yo also realized that the birthday boy did not even see him there. I prompted him to say goodbye and thank you, and he ran to the car.

He missed the whole party because it did not go the way he expected it to go. He said that he read books in the room. He missed cake, activities, fun, playing. He missed when the kids did go outside to play. How can a kid be so rigid? How will he function? He was so looking forward to the party, but once he had to deal with the actual party, he shut down, and sequestered himself.

Later, when I was tucking him in at night, he got all teary-eyed about the whole experience. He said that he feels stupid, but mostly he was still upset that the party did not go as he expected it to. He did mention that he saw kids working on a timeline and he did not want to do that, and that there was no space for him around the table, and nobody saw him, except for the birthday boy's older sister. Now I wonder whether I should have gone in with him, stayed, made space, pulled him out for cake... But he is almost 8. Shouldn't he figure out how to function on his own, and adapt in whichever way necessary?

He sighed in bed and said that now he will have to wait another year till his friend's next birthday. I bit my lip; his friend is possibly moving away.

It is so painful to see kids suffer. It is so hard to figure out whether my job as a parent is to swoop in and make it all better, or to hang back and let him discover the natural consequences. And it is also hard to figure out what to do about his anxiety. Lately, it has been getting worse. I have been thinking how unschooling is so good for him, but now I see that when a kid has this level of anxiety, he studiously avoids any activity which might push him out of the comfort zone.

Over the past few weeks, 4 yo not only demonstrated that she knows just about all letters, she even made her name from magnetic letters, and then attempted to write it down. She made a card for her older brother and wrote down his name on the front, unprompted. Quite a few letters were legible. 7 yo NEVER did that. Even now, just to write his name is a torturous process. He does not draw and doodle; he does not do Google searches; he does not illustrate. He avoids those activities that require writing/typing.

I have been told to establish a reward system for him. I always knew that it will not work. If a child forfeits a long-expected birthday party because he would have to encounter something unpleasant, would he work for a golden star?

mastery

On Tuesday, I had a whole grand plan for the day laid out. Both boys chose to start with math. 9 yo was in the throes of long division. He did a page, and then another, and then he asked me to give him any long division problem that I wanted, and then he made up his own problem and kept adding digits to the dividend until he could finish dividing without remainder.

He mastered long division and he could not wait to get more problems to prove his mastery.

Meanwhile 7 yo had a pre-multiplication unit. It mostly involved skip-counting, and he did page after page of math, probably 10 pages in all, till he was done with the unit. He understood the concept, and each page was another opportunity to apply it.

I thought math would be quick that day; instead it took over an hour. Both boys engaged in learning out of their own free will, and did not want to stop.

That same day a friend posted this post about unschooling math. I agree with some: kids will take lead in their learning, you will learn the math that you need to function, curiosity about math will go a long way. What I have a problem with is the blank assumption that math is hard, abstract and impenetrable subject, to which only people with a special aptitude take a liking. And the first thing that bugged me is the assertion that long division is useless.

People roll eyes at long division (and at fractions). They think nobody uses it. They also never memorized times table, so long division becomes tedious. Whenever I had any problem come up in kids' presence that required long division, I always grabbed a paper and did it out, the long way. They saw it, and even if they did not understand what I was doing, they saw that it is useful, and accessible. Oh, and I spent quite a few hours working with 9 yo on times table. We drilled it from Math Mammoth. I got flashcards and tested him. I hung up two multiplication tables. I asked questions which required multiplication. He does not know it super well (he HATES memorization), but he came around once he saw how useful it was to just know the product for 2- and 3-digit multiplication rather than work it out every time. Now that we hit long division, he saw that it is simply applying that multiplication and, voila, it works! Moreover, he can check himself by multiplying.

At dinner that night, out of the blue, 9 yo asked: "Is fifty divided by 6 equal to 8, remainder 2?"
"Yes."
"So to go on a five hundred mile trip, we need 8 hours and 20 minutes."

Before you think this is trivial, watch this:

this is unschooling

These are sweet potato latkes I made for the last day of Chanukah.

This is the face 7 yo made about them: "I don't like latkes! I tried them a million times, and I do not like them!"

9 yo pragmatically responded: "You did not live long enough to have a million meals."

This is the math that 9 yo did to show how many meals 7 yo ate in his lifetime. I helped him set up the equation, but he worked out the rest on his own.

This is my baby who thoroughly enjoyed the above-mentioned latkes.

This is why I keep on coming back to child-led learning as the best way to learn. This is why I doubt that there is a school program out there that would be perfect for 9 yo.

following by example

I always say morning brachot before having breakfast. Usually it is the only davening I get in. The kids know what I mean when they offer me a piece of their breakfast food and I say, hold on, gotta say my brachot first.

Yesterday, 9 yo opened a new package of chocolate granola from Trader Joe's. As he was offering me a taste, I said the usual line. He stopped, put down his spoon, and said that he will also say his brachot before starting to eat. He got his siddur, and said birchot hashachar, then proceeded to enjoy granola. (It is good, as anything that contains chocolate chunks in the ingredients should be).

I never insisted for the kids to daven before having breakfast, but 9 yo had seen me do it for years, and now something clicked for him to do it, too. This morning, by the time I got up, he was dressed, had breakfast and davened, so I do not know in which order he did things, but I will take a kid ready to start the day right.

People are nervous about how to teach kids to read. My first question is: do you read yourself? Do you read a lot? Do the kids see you reading for pleasure? And do you read to your kids? They are bound to be interested in picking it up, sooner or later. 3 yo brings me books, points out the letters she knows, asks me about the letters she does not know, and she sees us all reading. I read a ton to the boys. 9 yo knew all his letters by the time he was 2. 7 yo resisted telling me the names of the letters, but once we got through all the BOB books, he just started reading on his own. I complained how his first chapter book was Captain Underpants, but now he's reading Ranger's Apprentice. He read a lot of Beverly Cleary and Judy Bloom. Chapter books are clearly not an issue any more.

What is it that you want your kids to pick up? Think about it, and constantly practice it; they are bound to notice the value you place on it, and will follow your example. You just have to be sincere about it. If you do not truly value it, they will sense the hypocrisy and will not value it either.

bunk beds

We have a bunk bed for the boys. We had it since they were 2 and 4. Since we got it when they were so young, we were very firm about the oldest sleeping on the top and younger one on the bottom. For a few years that was all nice and good, but over the past year and a half things started to change. The younger one wanted to be on the top, the older one, on the bottom. That was easy to arrange. They would switch occasionally and then switch back. Most recently, things were not so smooth any more.

Both boys wanted to be on the bottom. There were many reasons offered, but the most recent one was that the older one liked thinking down there and the younger one wanted to make tents out of blankets. While this was developing, the younger one was on the top bunk, and the older one was not willing to budge.

A few nights ago I sat with the boys and listened to them compromise and negotiate. It was not going smoothly: 6 yo was offering solutions and 8 yo was shooting them down, while offering his own untenable ones. 6 yo wanted to work out a switching system; 8 yo wanted to grab as much lower bunk time as possible. He was trying to tie in playing Monopoly, which his brother does not like. He was willing to switch for one night and then to revert to status quo. After listening to these negotiations going nowhere, I ordered the younger one to take the bottom bunk. 8 yo protested that he does not want to be on top. I suggested floor in a sleeping bag. He took his sweet time setting up, and then demanded to be tucked in. I said that the tucking in time has passed. He called his brother stupid and earned himself a night in the basement. Our basement is finished, and has beds. It is removed from everyone else, and I figured that's what was called for.

It took him a long time to fall asleep down there. The next morning he expressed regret at his behavior last night. I said that he still needs to work out with his brother a solution to the dilemma. That night, right after I tucked the boys in, he popped out to announce that the solution has been found: they will hold elections! I grew quite sceptical at that.

This morning, the details were fleshed out: they will vote on who gets to sleep where every four days. These four days are modeled on every four years of the presidential election, but he said that he could not wait that long. Each kid cannot vote for himself, so they will vote for each other. They are allowed to hang signs, but no campaigning in each other's bed. Whoever gets the most votes gets to sleep on the bottom.

6 sat down this morning to make his campaign signs. One had a drawing of the bunk bed with him on the bottom bunk, another said : "Vote for 8 yo". Then he wondered aloud whether he can form a super PAC. I wondered how he would do that, and realized that he referred to negative campaigning. I said that we will not do that. Then I spent the whole day thinking about how this will play out.

Now, luckily for me, both my husband and my mother-in-law were here at dinnertime when 8 yo held the elections. The boys voted for each other, 3yo voted for one of the brothers, and we grown-ups split the votes evenly. 8 yo seemed perplexed; he clearly did not envision this outcome. Bottom line, they decided to flip some coins and 6 yo lost. He did crawl into a top bunk, but he was quite upset. 8 yo suggested that just like in presidency, one is limited to two terms on the bottom bunk. 6 yo said that he just wants to have schedule worked out.

I will wait and see what happens in three days. In the meanwhile, this spontaneous exercise in democracy showed that the boys internalized election lessons and could apply them to real life. What I think they did not realize was that this situation calls for a different solution than elections. If I see unfairness taking place, I will interfere, but it would be nice if they reach the solutions acceptable to all parties on their own.

being in charge

It's two o'clock and we are finished. I think, for today, I got a good balance of "things to do" and "things which will get done without stressing anyone out".

6 yo got up at 8:20, he has a cold and needed extra sleep. After leisurely breakfast, he got dressed and unloaded his share of the dishwasher. He even davened with his sister, unsolicited. By the time he got to his davening, it was 10. His agenda had four items: math, Lama, Lashon haTorah and spelling. Yet here, we are, at 2, and he is done, even though he got time to play outside and eat lunch and read.

Yesterday, we had a siyum for Chayei Sorah that 8 yo finished. He got really motivated towards the end, seeing that it is all genealogy and easy reading. Last day, he did about 7 pesukim, just to finish up. For his wrap-up project, we wrote up a family tree of Terach's family. We went all the way back to the end of Noach, found Rivka's blood line, and included Yishmael's children along with all Keturah's sons. I feel like I want to frame it, it is so complex. He also added in Yakov and shvatim. I said that we will add Eisav's and shvatim's kids when we learn them. So we went to Menchie's yesterday, to celebrate. I remarked to my husband how we did a whole parsha in just a few months, and we will probably finish another one by the end of the year. Since we are going at our own pace, it does not seem rushed, just the speed we are moving along at.

Today 6 yo finished his first Lashon haTorah workbook. I will be ordering the second one.

One of the issues I grapple with again and again is how much pressure should be coming from me as opposed to internal motivation of the child. We have been slowly adding more brachot in Shemone Esre with 8 yo. Right now, I let him daven quietly everything till Shemone Esre, and then he says it out loud with me. We are up to Judgement ( din). He read it over in Hebrew and got the basic idea, but I knew that he did not know all the words. He has not been eager to lean the meanings of all the words. Incidentally, Artscroll was having a sale and had a book on Shemone Esre, explaining each bracha. I ordered it and figured that it will help. 8 yo glanced at it, but has not opened it. This morning, I decided to pull it out and show him the bracha and read a little insight. He had no interest, in fact, he said that I am taking away his kavana ( intention). I asked, why? He said that the book is very long and intimidating. I immediately closed the book, bookmarking the page of the bracha and put it away. We ended up talking a bit as to why this bracha comes after the ingathering of exiles and the true justice of G-d. Obviously, while the subject might be interesting to him, the timing is not right. The book  and the bookmark will stay, but I will leave it to his discretion whether to open it or not.

Along the same lines, some days it takes 6 yo hours and hours to finish one or two pages of work. Sometimes he is distracted. Sometimes he does not feel like working. Sometimes I wish he would just get up and say that he will do it later. But most times, I discover that the reason is quite different. Usually it is some assignment, way later on the list, that he is dreading, so he starts stalling early. Usually the dread has nothing to do with difficulty, but with his perception of work. For example, we were supposed to complete a page of questions and answers about Lama. He read the story fluently and translated without a hitch, so I knew that he knew the vocabulary. When we opened to the page, he dissolved into a tantrum. Once he was able to talk ( half an hour later), he said that they expect him to write everything perfectly. Ok, the lines are small (this is a second grade workbook and he is not a comfortable writer), but never did I ask him for perfection. I offered to split the writing, and he agreed. Then I suggested using a ruled piece of paper for the answers, so he would not be constricted by small lines. That was also fine. Then we hit a wall. The practice was for the verb "open", and the choices were "poteach/potachat/potchim/potchot". As long as the picture had a boy, the questions "mi poteach" was fine, but as soon as the picture was that of a girl, he could not understand what they want from him, and why is the question still in masculine. All of my explanation that the questioner does not know the gender or the amount of people performing the action fell on deaf ears. He could not deal with it, and dissolved into tears. I closed the book for the day.

Today we went back to the same page (after skipping a day). He was ready to accept the explanation and polished it off very quickly, writing in half the answers (on small lines) and giving me the other half orally for me to write in.

What would happen to this kid in a classroom? Which teacher would have the patience to recognize that the tantrums have nothing to do with misbehavior but with the pain of reality not conforming to expectations? How often do we, grown-ups, completely lose it when reality bites? When that person takes too long to make a left turn and then we have to wait for the next light? When somebody makes a promise and then does not keep it? When we want it to be Sunday, but it is Monday?

I wonder whether I really should let 6 yo be, instead of enforcing more and more schoolwork. This is not about ability, but this is about sanity, both for him and for me.

science "curriculum"

During most recent orthodox homeschoolers online chat, someone asked about resources for teaching science and a lively discussion ensued. I sat back, listening and feeling bad: I am not doing any curriculum with the kids. I do not have a textbook, or agenda, or even a loose schedule or units.  I do not schedule science in, like I do math and Hebrew and Story of the World. I have some ideas floating around in my head, but none of them came to fruition. Is science missing from my children's education?

The past couple weeks have proved otherwise. First of all, we have a large collection of Magic School Bus books, which boys read and reread at will. Then there are other science books hanging around the house, from an old textbook, to my occasional science reading. Then there is library, and boys pick out whatever interests them. 8 yo is still working his way through the dinosaur section. Then there are documentaries, both on Netflix and through the library. The latest one that the kids are enjoying is called SciQ. It is made by Smithsonian, and they cannot stop talking about it.

Then there are dinnertime discussions. One night this week 8 yo started the conversation by informing us about lizards which reproduce by cloning, without a male. We discussed advantages and disadvantages of this: no need for males, ability to colonize an island with just one lizard. Then we discussed disadvantages: passing on genetic defects without variety and reducing the odds of survival. My husband asked if a genetic disease could be an advantage, and brought in an example of sickle cell anemia and malaria. In order to have this kind of discussion, my kids knew what are red blood cells, what are their functions and what they normally look like. 8 yo also knew that malaria is spread by mosquito bites. 6 yo wanted to know how many  red blood cells are there in an average person. I found myself marveling  when I taught middle schoolers, I could not take the knowledge of basic facts for granted, and here are my kids, without formal curriculum, who are able to hold and comprehend this level of conversation.

When we go on a hike, 2 yo spends some time talking about the roots we step over, the big and small trees we see, the leaves underfoot, why is it winter, and the birds around us. Just this Friday, as we were waiting for the boys to loop around the lake, we opened up a seed pod which was just lying by our feet and looked at the small seeds inside. I have no idea which tree it came from, but it did not matter much. I stressed that each seed can grow into a big tree, and that prompted my daughter to open more pods and to count how many seeds were inside.

But what about scientific method? Experiments?

the set-up

Last night was the last night of Chanukah. As we were setting up candles and oil after Shabbos, 8 yo wondered about olive oil burning the longest and the best. I said that he could test it out and that's what he did this morning. We used three clean yortzait candle holders. He squirted 30 ml of water into each one, and then topped each with 20 ml of the different oils we had in the house: canola, corn and olive. Then he floated a wick in each, lit them up, and made a chart to see what happens. In the process of setting up this impromptu experiment, I told him how we want to have only other thing different ( a variable), while everything else has to be exactly the same (control). He figured out on his own that he needs to label the glasses, to know which oil is in which. He also proposed a hypothesis (thank you, Dinosaur Train) that canola will burn the shortest.

The results: olive oil burned out the fastest, after 6 hours, followed by corn an hour later, and canola, in another half an hour. 8 yo's conclusion: we should light with canola. An argument about the original menorah and the traditional use of olive oil fell on deaf ears. Afterwards, I speculated to my husband that they did not have good oil blends then, and maybe canola is today's olive...

the results

Science comes easily to me. I can probably come up with experiments all the time. The reason I don't is because those experiments would be answering the questions which were not asked yet. If a concept does not bother my kids, how much interest would an experiment hold? Moreover, why should I invest my time and energy and be pressuring my kids to do something which is not interesting right now?

There is a time and a place for everything. Since the time for science is "all the time", the questions and conversations about it happen all the time. There are no tests, no grades, no standards. But there is also no pressure.

I just wish I could say the same about Judaics...

motivational shofar

Last night, uncharacteristically, I decided to plan for today. Actually, I planned a zoo outing for today, but they were promising thunderstorms, so I had to come up with an alternative. I decided to focus on Rosh HaShana. The plan was to finish writing Shana Tova cards, listen to the sounds of shofar, review some halachot, and then take a trip to a local Judaica store to buy a shofar for boys to practice. I found myself digging deeply through chinuch.org. Whenever I find myself doing that, it's some insecurity talking. Maybe those kids in school are learning something that we're missing. Maybe I myself still do not have a good grasp on what I am about to teach. Either way, usually I peruse and download, only to use one or two activities. This time I found a real jem: Rosh HaShana math. I thought this would be perfect for 8 yo: review the halachot while doing math. For 6 yo I found this song. I out down math, as usual, for both boys, spelling and chumash for the older and Lama for the younger. Now I was all set.

My plan worked: getting a shofar at the end of the day was great motivation. 8 yo jumped at his RH math, skipped a few, needed help with some, and completed some with a flourish. In the process, he learned about adding and subtracting minutes to measure elapsed time, halachik measurements and that his kiddush cup is not big enough, decimals, reason for the sheehiyanu on the new fruit, and that Chanukah is waaay after all the chagim. 6 yo looked over the song by himself, but he was intimidated by all the Hebrew, so we sang it together. I explained the first 8 halachot.

Lama went smoothly, and so did Roman numerals. Then came chumash, last subject of the day, again. 8 yo expressed that he feels behind. I think he was talking to his former classmates and found out that they are midway through Chayei Sarah, while we are just getting started. I asked him, who does more work with the pesukim, they or him? He agreed that he does more work, while they just repeat translations. I said that since he is putting in more effort, he is learning them better. He expressed a thought that they sill remember everything they learned in the beginning of Lech Lecha. I told him to ask them.

What I think he is missing is that they just memorize, while he is gaining skills. He can look back in Lech Lecha at the parts he does not remember and figure them out, while they might be stuck if their memory fails them.

He cheered up a bit when we did a bit with ger-toshav (sojourner-resident) of Avraham. I told him honestly that this perek sounds boring and not "juicy", but there is a lot of important information going on in here. He asked me, how could Avraham be both? I directed him straight to Rashi. He was able to translate the first part, and I had to translated Medrash Agada. And I gave him a jelly bean for asking a question. As my friend would say, let the Torah be sweet...

Finally, we got the store. The shofars were a whole lot more expensive than I expected. I told boys that they can get one real one (on the cheaper end). 8 yo chose his and grabbed on for his dear life. 6 yo seesawed between wanting to share and wanting his own. 2 yo picked out a plastic pink one. 8 yo settled on a black one. 8 yo spotted a wooden puzzle of the Beis Hamikdash and asked me to get it. I asked him, whether he would like it for him Yom Tov present, and he said yes, he would like to build a Beis HaMikdash for Rosh HaShana. The saleslady had a ball. The boys also asked to buy Yeshiva Boys' Choir CD. They have watched a few youtube videos and are fans now.

So there we were, leaving the store, three shofars in tow. In car, we popped in the CD and the boys rocked to Amen. I was thinking, how frum we all look here, but also how naturally we ended up at this point.

When we got home, 8 yo tried blowing his shofar and could not get it. I found a few youtube tutorials, so he is working on it. His goal  is to able to blow for the minyan by the time he is bar mitzvah. Ok, this one is a realistic one. 2 came crying to me that her shofar broke. A piece of plastic was missing on the mouth piece. I asked her, what happened? She said, I eat it. Not much we could do here. I gave her a hug and, so far, she is sharing with 6 yo.

First day of school

I decided to start early, so today was the first day. The chagim are in a month, and I want to be able to take off some days for errands and cooking. My sister is getting married after Succot, and that means at least a week off. I think this earlier start gives me peace of mind to take off more when I need to.

It is funny to proclaim today the first day of school. The kids have been learning all summer long. They have been reading, going on hikes, doing projects, holding discussions, asking questions. Why is today different from all other days? Before you say, well, TODAY you did formal school work, yesterday 8 yo surprised me. I sent him to get his siddur and to daven, he came out with HWT script book, opened it up and started to teach himself script! He got through two letters before I reminded him that it is time to daven.

Yesterday, I had someone come and help me organize our homeschooling space, hence the reason we started on a Tuesday, not Monday. We homeschoolers can afford to be flexible like that. We put all art supplies in the sunroom instead of having them spread out all over the house. Almost all, I should say. I decided to keep Moon Dough and paint out of reach, as well as extra rolls of tape and glue. While we were doing this, a lot of supplies and crafts which were hiding came out. 6 yo picked up a weaving board, the one for potholders and decided to make one. Now, he tried before. Usually, he strung it in one direction, then got confused with weaving the cross ribbons, then got frustrated and then his brother would come and "rescue" his project, with him abandoning all craftsmanship. This time, he stuck with it and got it. He worked under-over with his fingers, and was ready to finish the edge, but it was time to go to tae kwon do ( which was cancelled, but we only found out once we got there). When we got home, I showed him how to finish the edge and he did three sides, with the last side slipping off and requiring some help. Overall, he did take ownership of his project.

So today was the first day of something or other. I made pancakes for breakfast ( to assure cheerful mood in kids) and we are going out for dinner ( to assure cheerful mood in mommy). After breakfast, we davened, but not before I almost made them unload a dirty dishwasher. 8 yo went first, after his davening, I called him over , opened up my planner and asked him what are his goals for the year. This is his list:

• science: experiments, chemistry, density, physics, explosions, make your own experiments, electricity, anatomy, wildlife, being able to identify all animals and plants
• history: early civilizations, ancient China, American history
• surviving in the wild, camping
• computer: typing, email, downloading and installing games
• chess and checkers, Monopoly
• opening a bank account
• technology: mechanics, build your own train without instructions
• cooking: make anything in any cookbook

Pretty ambitious, huh? I should keep on looking at this list any time I think he is lacking motivation.

Then, after 6 yo davened, I asked him the same.This is his list:

• science: atoms, molecules, elements
• geography: the world, China, Africa
• chess: learn good moves

I think he overheard his brother, which is a pity. I think I will wait a week and sit him down somewhere separately, to pick his brain.

I wrote up plans for each boy. In hindsight, 8 yo wanted to spend much more time on each activity than I allocated, so I found myself telling him to drop what he was doing and move on to something else. I will have to rethink this. My goal is to be able to assign him certain things and then let him complete them on his own, just bringing it back to me to check periodically. I am aware that it might not happen this year or the next.

Here is what we actually got done with 8 yo: color in a political map of Africa, label different countries, do Rosetta Stone, cover another letter in script, write in his journal about dinosaurs, do Math Mammoth, do spelling with Spelling Power, review first two pesukim in 22nd perek of Vayeira and Rashi on "take your son", review Rashi script.

Surprises: he can add two digit numbers, but is still flimsy with addition facts up to ten ( grrr), he remembered the Rashi word for word from many months ago, he did not want to review but plunge right into the middle of the perek even though he did no remember some words, he much rather write about dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures than anything else, listing facts rather than descriptions, he is very eager to do script and write everything in script, he remembers all of Rashi's letters but forgot how to write Hebrew script.

Here is what we did with 6 yo: HWT print, reviewed frog jump capitals and he wrote his name, remembering to use lower case. We started Tefila Workbook, with the first words of every bracha, understanding from Baruch till Bemitzvotav. Math Mammoth kindergarden review of counting and number writing. Rosetta Stone and Yesh lanu Lama. Unofficially, he played with the scale and geoboards. He asked me, how do they teach math? I showed him how to make squares, triangles, rectangles, rhombus. I taught him quadrilateral and pentagon and octagon. He also stitched together a puppet.

Surprises: his handwriting has improved much more and he has more stamina, he even kept saying how all writing today was easy. He claimed  not to know the meaning of a single word in a bracha, except for Hashem, so I had to go much slower than I planned. He did not complain about Rosetta Stone. He completely melted down at Lama, so I decided to start all the way at the beginning of the books, to review reading skills and vocabulary. He did first five units quite speedily, so hopefully it will come back to him.

I was asked what am I doing with 2 yo while I am teaching the boys. Here is what she did: davened, hung out on the couch, sat at the table while the boys were writing, opened up base ten blocks and built with them, painted watercolor on the kitchen table while the boys did more writing, ate lunch with the boys, started on a puppet with 6 yo (he finished his, she did about half, never would have thought that she could do it, but there it is, she can sew through prepunched holes), napped.

It is 3 pm, we are done and ready to enjoy and nice quiet lazy summer afternoon.

on simple pleasures

We are done with school, in case anyone is still wondering. 6 yo still didn't finish Lama, and 8 yo still didn't finish Vayeira, but for now, I am letting it be.

Today was the day of simple things which brought a lot of enjoyment. It started with 8 yo rallying for Krispy Kreme. I agreed, on the condition that everyone showers first and he davens. He complied. I don't know what it is about that place that is so motivational-- the sugar for breakfast? the hats? watching the doughnuts being made? --but whatever it is, it surely ranks high on the kids' list of pleasant things to do.

Around noon, we went to the nature center. Our membership expires soon, but I am planning on continuing. 6 yo decided that for his Nature Exchange item, a potter's wasp nest, he will write a report. Granted, his report was one sentence, but it is hard for me to get him to write that one sentence otherwise. He also has to present his items for trade, so he is forced to talk about them, and not just retreat into "I don't know" shell. As soon as the trade was complete, we went outside. We saw some birds of prey and then 6 yo asked to go to the dock. Over there, the boys sat by the water, watching sea weed, tiny fish and turtles. The boys floated magnolia leaves. They used sticks to measure how deep the pond is. They stayed perfectly quiet so the turtles would come closer. 8 yo spotted larger fish on the bottom. I asked whether they are ready to move on, but they were perfectly happy just laying on that dock, staring in the water and talking quietly.

We hiked a trail, climbed over a fallen tree, spotted lots of mushrooms, saw a water snake in another pond. The boys made walking sticks and 2 yo copied. They tested out every rotten log to see whether it will fall apart when struck.

After that, we went over to my in-laws. 6 yo immediately bonded with the cat. (He has something about connecting with animals that my other kids do not. He is not afraid, but he also knows just how to pat them right.) Then they went upstairs to play. 8 yo set up his idea of Risk. Eventually both boys asked for Tom and Jerry. They saw that cartoon a million times by now, but, for some reason, they still laugh every single time.

All the activities were free today, except for the doughnuts. None of these things were particularly educational or extravagant, but each of them was enjoyable on a simple level. I find myself sometimes chasing that "experience of a lifetime" when life simply presents these delightful opportunities.

Another simple pleasure: running with balloons trailing behind.

2 yo is mastering walking on the curb.
While the accomplishment is not great, the satisfaction is high.

motivation

Yesterday, we took kids bowling, It was a rainy day, my husband thought he could squeeze it in between procedures, we have Kids Bowl Free, and we have not gone in a long time. The kids were all excited. It served as a good motivator to daven and get dressed quickly. The davening took a bit longer than expected, but the new siddur was the name of the game.

When we got to the alley, we saw that a few other people had the same idea. We ended up bowling all on the same lane. Of course, the question was: bumpers or no bumpers? We chose to got with bumpers and a bowling contraption for the 2 yo. Pretty amazingly, she got a strike on her first push! The boys did not too shabby themselves. By the end of the game, I tied with 8 yo and three of us broke a hundred. Since we had a second game free, and everyone felt quite good about themselves, we decided to try bowling without bumpers. After first gutter balls, the boys lost all confidence. It did not help that my husband had to leave in the middle of the second game. By the end, 6 yo was bowling with a contraption, and 8 yo was in tears that 2 yo had a higher score than he did. I wanted to say that it's not about score, it's about practice, but then stopped. Why did we make such a big deal about all the strikes and spares on the first round if it's not about score? How often do we expect kids to be just as good at something as we are, without realizing that we had years and years of practice? And then we choose to measure the success by numbers.

It was not a peaceful car ride on the way back home, fueled by hunger. During lunch, when 8 yo calmed down a bit, all of a sudden he said: "My body is telling me it wants to learn some Torah." I wanted to know what kind of learning his body was in the mood for. He  said, his arms say, Shmuel Aleph and his legs, Shmuel Beit and his head is not sure. I wondered if any of his body wants to continue Vaeiyra. He said, yes. I asked him whether he remembered what was the last thing we learned ( over two weeks ago). He remembered about Avimelech taking Sorah. I told him that I got a new chumash for him in Israel, with Rashi with nekudot. He got excited about it, I showed it to him and we started. We did three pesukim, he needed to be reminded what is "be'er". We finished on the place being called Be'er Sheva and I said that we traveled very close to it. I pulled out a map of Israel and then he found Be'er Sheva on it. He hypothesised that sheva were four slaves of Avimelech, and then Avraham, Avimelech and Pichol.

Overall, I was quite encouraged that he asked to learn. Maybe I can let go on the Judaics and they will happen with desire.

I have been reflecting on my davening a bit  lately. I have been saying it for years by now, starting at 13. I remember feeling envious of others who said it so quickly and ( supposedly) knew all the words they were saying. It took me a long time and I knew every 5th word. It did not help that I was taught some davening just by repetition after a teacher. It did not help that my first siddur was all in Hebrew and I did not have anyone telling me which page had what on it. But somehow, over the years, I got to the point where I know what most of the words are. No worksheets, no intense study, no fill-in-the-blanks, no tests. No crazy motivation either, just a desire to say things fast enough to keep with the tzibbur. (After praying at the Kotel without the tzibbur I wonder whether the reason for lack of concentration has to do with keeping up with others. In yoga, you are told to do what is comfortable for you, and not to look at others. Why should our tefillah be exactly in lockstep with others?) So, if I got to my level of understanding just through years of slow-and-steady, why do I want my kid to get it all "now"? Why don't I give him a siddur with English translation, so he can look up meaning as he chooses? Why not leave the books on tefilla  around instead of constantly telling him to sit down and focus and pay attention and not mumble?

As a broader question: how much of a certain state of mind can be taught and how much of it has to desired from within? How much space should I be leaving for my kids to develop their relationship to Judaism? How much learning do I need to facilitate and how much will happen despite of me? I know that I cannot control my son's desire to learn. I can only make sure that I do not get in the way.

And today, I got in the way of that learning. In the morning , we went to a Children's Museum. He had one0time passes that we won in a raffle, and today was raining again. It was a bit too young for the boys, but they stopped by the ball station. There, all different machines pick up balls and make them go on belts, up in the air, from station to station. They stayed there for hours. 2 yo checked out everything else: the underground, the painting, the store, the house, and delivery truck, the kids' show.

As we were driving back, the boys asked to watch Pokemon. I used to say no, but yesterday I said that I will think about it. SO I said that they can watch after we finish the perek. That was a bad idea: 8 yo was obviously trying to finish ASAP, and was not interested in getting in the intricacies of the perek. I got his attention a bit with discussion of what is Eshel, but overall, he was not here, but in Pokemon. The funny part was, once I found the movie and the kids sat down to watch, 6 yo ran out five minutes into it, screaming that it's too scary. He was not able to finish it. Somehow, Mommy still knows best.

more unschooling

Today ended up being another unschooling day.

2 yo woke up at 6 with a fever and not a single other symptom. The boys got up and got dressed by 8. When I was placing various things in and out of storage area and they were looking for makkot animals, they pulled out an electric piano ( kid-sized). I hat that toy, they blast volume, hiss in the microphone, bang total cacophony. This time it went a bit differently. 7 yo immediately tried Twinkle Twinkle  and got it, with a few mistakes. I suggested Oh Susanna ( one of his favorites). I did not know the notes, so I Goggled it. Then I realized that he did not know how to read sheet music, so I printed out keyboard layout and explained the scale. Someone will pounce on me, as I do not know the proper terms for this in English and I forgot how to sigh-read myself, but I can figure it out, with enough time. He caught on, and I started him on writing the notes' names under each note. They are labeled on the piano, so once he knows that this one is D, he can play the right one. He told me to go and worked on it for a while.

I went back to finishing my breakfast and thinking: I was taught piano for 3 years. Some of those were definitely against my will. As you can see, I do not have a whole lot to show for those years. I know that there are 8 notes. So do my kids ( Shemona Tzlilim Yafim from Shalom Sesame Chanukah). I can tell you that they are of different duration and that this part is for the right hand an this part is for the left hand. And Oh Susanna is performed to the count of four. The end.

Somehow, I was able to teach all of this in a very short period of time. The student was willing, the timing was right, the info was easily available. No, he cannot play it yet, but now I have tools to teach him and he has info in order to play.

Then we davened and shlepped to farmer's market--Pesach is still coming and nobody will buy those veggies for me. 7 yo checked off our extensive shopping list. 5 yo read which countries the vegetables came from. Then they both stood and gawked at the pineapple cutting machine. Then they asked to look at the lobsters and crayfish. Then they noticed yellow-fin tuna being sliced, it is hard not to notice a monstrosity of that size. They watched fish getting descaled and filleted. I practically had to drag them away, as 2 yo was not doing well.

7 yo switched to Boxcar Children from Greek mythology, just like that. I have four of those books, from some library sale, and, all of a sudden, they are interesting.

I got 2 yo to nap and got a start on Pesach cooking. I got 7 yo to peel eggplant and carrots and both boys to run up and down the stairs with various ingredients. One of the pilot lights went out, so I got a match and showed boys how to relight it. I also showed what happens in the oven when you turn it on. They were fascinated, 5 yo thanked me. Then he played with manual egg beater and excitedly explained how it works, how the cranking turns the gears and then the beaters. 7 yo asked to make some dessert, so we made almond bars. He measured out brown sugar and chocolate chips, ground the nuts and mixed the batter. He made a joke that it's weird dough--weirdo. Then I asked him to peel some potatoes. He asked for a reward. I promised a nut bar. He peeled away.

5 yo ran upstairs to check on sleeping toddler and then set up to play with legos. 7 yo joined him and pulled down a map. He asked me, how could Avram be promised the land all the way to Euphrates, that's part of Syria? How could that land be ours? I said that in the time of Mashiach, it will be worked out. He then asked how that could be done without wars. All of his historical reading plus chumash reading is integrating.

Once the toddler woke up, there was more misery, she just wanted to be held and cuddled. Thankfully, now her fever has broken, and all three kids are playing in the sandbox.