end of summer

Summer is drawing to a close. I filed Declaration of Intent to Homeschool for the boys. I also shopped for school supplies for 5 yo and 2 yo. I looked into Khan Academy for math and got Math Mammoth, just in case. It sounds like we are rolling into school year, yet, in a way, we were "doing school" all along. We have kept up Chumash study. 11 yo just finished שירת הים in בשלח. We skipped many Rashis and he complained plenty about the poetic language, even though he knew the words from davening. 9 yo is in the middle of תולדות. Both boys continued with taekwondo and just received a black stripe on their belts, putting just one more level between them and that coveted black belt. 9 yo begged and begged me to start violin. After ignoring his requests and wishing they would go away (and trying to sway him towards a less challenging instrument), I found a teacher for him. He has been very conscientious about it, treating the instrument gingerly and practicing. Of course, it has barely been a month, so I'm still taking "wait and see" approach, but this is definitely an unschooling step of following the child's interest.

At the zoo. They made sketchbooks and sketched some animals

5 yo, not to be outdone, wrote a note to her new aunt (who is a music teacher) to teach her how to play the piano. I'm not holding my breath on that either, but so far, she has been practicing.

Joint reading of Harry Potter

In the afternoons, the boys have been advancing through new levels of computer games. I have almost an allergic reaction to the amount of time they spend in front of the screen, but I don't have much to offer instead. Usually we are stuck indoors because one of the babies is napping, or is cranky or I have to get that dinner going or I am nursing. So let them enjoy computer time, let them figure out how to take turns and meet their own electronic needs. That will come to a close in another week, and we are all aware of it.

Nothing inspires creativity like a box of brand-new pencils.
While 11 yo and 5 yo are drawing,
9 yo is organizing them by color families.

We also made some changes in our house. They boys agreed to move their sleeping quarters downstairs, into the basement, so I can place 2 yo with 5 yo and give the other bedroom to the baby. The baby is a terrible sleeper, which causes me to be extra tired and grouchy. Then, after we put all the effort in getting her to sleep, we tiptoe into the bedroom and wake her up by rummaging for clothes, etc.

I wish to have more of a house to place all these kids, and less of a house to clean and maintain. I know that down the road, three bedrooms are plenty for our five kids, but right now, a kingdom for a spare bedroom, or even a nook where this baby can get some sleep.

printer (encore)

Two weeks ago I took out 4 DVDs out of the library. One was a grown-up movie and rest were meant to interest my kids. When 9 yo saw them, he said they all look boooring. I asked him what he thought they were about. He said: one is about pianos ("Making of a Steinway"), one is about soup (Andy Warhol) and one is about holidays ("Mr. Bean Takes a Holiday"). I cracked up and said, you are missing good stuff because you are judging DVDs by their covers.

The joke was on me.

A week later I caught 2 yo with an open DVD case. He has been known to open them and play with them, so I was not too worried till I realized that it is Mr. Bean and that the disk is missing. We asked him where he put it, and he kept leading everyone downstairs where we have a DVD player. We looked and looked, but the DVD was not found. I kept renewing the DVDs, hoping that it will turn up before I will have to go to the library and confess.

Today I needed to print out the supply lists for 5 yo's school. 11 yo kept telling me how the printer is broken and won't print, so I put my husband in charge. He came to me: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the supply list is printed. The bad news is that Mr. Bean's DVD was crammed into the printer, and now it is cracked in half."

I will have to go to the library and explain that my printer ate the DVD...

wanting to blog more regularly

I'm back to blogging.

Sort of.

Not really.

I want to be back. I want to blog. I NEED to blog. I have a visceral need to unload, to process everything that is going on, and I do it best through a creative outlet. I like to write. I like to create.

But all these activities take time. Time and energy. They are reenegizing, yet draining at the same time.

Time is limited. Every morning when I wake up, I want to go for a walk or a jog. (I'm badly out of shape, so it is a walk). I also want to make a nice breakfast: smoothie, pancakes, bagels, fake bacon, or eggs. I also want to have time for that good morning story or a snuggle with whichever kid requests it. And I want to daven. It is important to start your day with a conversation to G-d. How do I expect my children to have a relationship with Hashem if I'm not working on building mine? Oh, and the baby will wake up and need to nurse at some point. I would love to share a peaceful cup of coffee with my husband. And morning showers are invigorating in the way evening showers never are. And doing Chumash with 11 yo early on, when he's fresh is better that squeezing it in later in the day. And if I do grocery shopping early, I can knock off a chore off my list. There is nothing like shutting a door and doing some yoga, gentle stretching, meditation to calm the mind.

But most mornings I open my eyes because one of the kids is already up and needs me. I stumble around, and I don't get to do what I want, I end up doing what I need to do. The kids need to be packed up for camp and dropped off, the dishwasher needs to be loaded/unloaded, the babies need to be changed, crisis over missing socks/toys/money/hair brush needs to be resolved.

I want quiet time to blog, but I end up sacrificing it to the needs of the family.

My boys are having "the best week ever", in their words. They are off from camp, while 5 yo and 2 yo are still going. On Sunday they had a water gun party with a friend followed by a family swim in a local pool. Both boys are very comfortable swimmers and loved diving. 5 yo got a few practice rounds with the help of daddy and a pool noodle. 2 yo splashed in 1 foot deep kiddie pool.

On Monday I drove them to taekwondo only to find out that this week there is camp, so there are no morning classes. In the afternoon we were invited to a friend's pool. Since I only had older boys (and the baby), I got to relax instead of supervise.

On Tuesday we went to Legoland Discovery Center for a long-oversude siyum. 11 yo finished Sefer Breshit and 9 yo finished Vayeira. They had a grand old time. I was assaulted by all the noise.

Today, on Wednesday, my husband is taking the boys to Six Flags to redeem their Read to Succeed tickets. They have been waiting for this for months, and the excitement is palpable. I'm getting an unexpected quiet day at home with the baby.

So I am blogging.
I hope to go jogging.
Oh, did I just hear the baby?

Perhaps it is too ambitious to want all of these. Perhaps it is imcompatible with five kids and a husband with a crazy schedule. Perhaps nobody can do it all. But can't I wish to do some? Shouldn't I be doing the few things that are necessary for my health, both physical and mental?

I hope to blog more regularly. And jog, ahem, walk.

What it takes...

My kids are in camp this week, and I got an e-mail with a waiver for my daughter's field trip.

Here is what it takes to print out a waiver:

1. Get onto the desktop the night before the trip. Discover that it is again bugged up with extensions. Curse the day you allowed kids on Tanky/Minecraft. Start task manager to remove the extensions so you can get into e-mail.

2. Find the correct e-mail. Find the attached form which opens in some funny format that you can'r print directly.

3. Download the form.

4.Turn the printer on, so it can start warming up and getting to the print screen.

5. Discover that the printer USB cable is not connected. (The wireless printing ceased working a long time ago. Why? It's a mystery) Plug it in.

6. Select print and see that the computer claims that the printer is offline.

7.Watch as the printer is completely turned off, despite making reassuring noises earlier. All button pressing leads to nothing. Somehow the printer is no longer plugged into the power strip, which is laying tantalizingly out of reach behind the file cabinet.

8. Move the file cabinet, plug in the printer, turn it on.

9. The preview for the file will not load.

10. The printer claims that it is out of paper, despite a stack of paper in the tray. As you pull out the papers to stack them up better, Cuisenaire rods will fall out from the paper slot.

11. Reinsert the paper, and find yet another rod inside. Pick up the printer and shake it out.

12. Save the file as an image.

13. Watch the printer spew out five pages of ads for the lemonade stand that the kids ran last week. Mentally remind yourself to check document queue next time.

14. Husband comes in, wondering what's the matter. Bite his head off over not working computer, printer and darn freaking kids. Watch husband back up, while encouraging you to blog and TAKE YOUR TIME.

2 year old goes to camp

2 yo is going to a backyard camp. This camp is run by a woman who has a playgroup in her house during the year for 2 year olds. I don't know how many years of experience she has, but she is a seasoned teacher, highly recommended in our neighborhood.

The first day of camp I did not do a good drop off. I scheduled to drop off 2 yo last, after his siblings, but, by that point, the baby was screaming hysterically, wanting to nurse, and I was running late. So I marched my little boy into a noisy room full of kids, dragging his bag of diapers and his backpack with lunch. The Morah (teacher) asked me the usual questions: what do you call him? And does he know any kids in the room? I quickly glanced around, did not see any familiar faces, told her that I have a crying baby waiting, and ran. Not a very good introduction to the new place, I am afraid, especially since we have not been to the house before.

When it was time to pick him up, I came on time, hoping to smooth out whatever did not go right in the morning. The Morah told me that he napped, and he did great. Then she asked me: does he go to school anywhere? I said: no. (She knows I homeschool). She expressed surprise and started telling me how he listened, was very comfortable, and played with the other kids. I said that he is with his older siblings all day long, playing and interacting, so he is used to it.

I did not make much of this, except for thanking G-d for an easy transition. I also chalked up some of this to flattery.

Yesterday, again, the Morah asked me whether I am sure he is not in any program. "He is such a sweet kid, so happy, so easy, just lies down for his nap without crying, talks, plays." I chuckled: does she think that I am hiding some great socialization program from her? Then I assured her that he is home with me, but we do get together with other homeschoolers and he does go to babysitting in shul on Shabbos.

I thought about it. This woman has seen many 2 year olds, and my child is not the easiest toddler on the block. I guess, when she gets 2 year olds who have not been to "school", they have hard time separating from their mothers or interacting with children who are not part of their family, so she expected a similar situation with my son. Also, there is this image of homeschool kids being isolated in their home, unhappy and unsocialized. I wonder whether we broke another stereotype here.

How did we get here? How is this child able to go into this intense situation, which could be anxiety-provoking, yet he is fine and happy?

Part of it is the personality. He is an outgoing boy, who is not shy or reserved, but he is not an exuberant extrovert. Part of it is the birth order: when you are the fourth, you are used to having many loud people around you. You have to speak up your mind to get things. You are used to running with the pack. Part of it is homeschooling, and hanging for many hours with kids of all different ages. We go to different places and I am not always on his tail, closely supervising every single step. Other mothers have watched my kid, brought him to me, gave him snacks, so he is used to having different people take care of his needs.

And part of it is parenting. Being the fourth child, 2 yo gets a good mix of parents who are too tired to micromanage, yet who know that an extra hug, or pick up, or snuggle will not spoil a child. He is secure asking for comfort, so he can go into the world and explore.

To be honest, I have a huge moral conflict with sending out a 2 year old to camp (or to school) for such a long day and for so many weeks. There is a part of me which strongly feels that the reason I have a happy, secure child is due to him being at home, close to his mommy, and that is where he belongs. Now I am upsetting this delicate balance. Now I will have to adjust to the reality that I cannot provide him with what he enjoys, like water play or messy projects, without turning into a disaster manager, losing my cool, and yelling. Yes, I have to accept the reality that I am THAT parent, that mom who is sending out her 2 year old because it is just too hard for me.

On the plus side, it is only for a year. I keep telling myself that we are taking life on year at a time, and we can always stop, assess, and change our circumstances as necessary.

camp leading to great expectations

Yesterday was the first day of camp.

All four older kids are going, the boys to one camp, 5 yo to girls' camp and 2 yo to a backyard camp.

I had great plans for this day. I had great plans for what to do while I only have one child at home instead of five.

I dropped everyone off, with baby crying hysterically during the drop off of 2 yo. I got home and nursed her, then put her to nap in 2 yo's room. I organized some things in my closet: moved my husband's clothes to the spot where he can get them without moving the pack-n-play, and finally switched out maternity tops.

Then the baby woke up.
Nursed her again, changed her diaper.

Made lasagna for dinner, had lunch.

Then the baby woke up.
Nursed her, changed her.

Loaded her into the stroller, went to the local Judaica store for a bar mitzvah gift and to Whole Foods for three items which are cheaper there than anywhere else. Spoke to my sister on the way back.

Opened up my laptop to blog.

Then the baby woke up.
Nursed her, got covered in spit-up, changed her and my clothes.

Got in the car for the afternoon carpool.

When we got home, she fell asleep. I stuck lasagna in the oven, read to 2 yo, directed everyone to hang up their bathing suits and towels. I almost told kids to go watch something, but they asked first.

Then the baby woke up.
I nursed her, got kids to set the table, served dinner.

Opened up my laptop for the second time, but did not get around to blogging before the baby was ready to nurse yet again.

By the end of the day, I was utterly exhausted. I also felt deflated: I had all these ideas and plans for the day, with kids being out of the house, and, in the end, it did not feel like anything got done.

This morning, I realized that I will have to adjust my expectations yet again. The baby requires just as much work as my other kids combined at this point. I still have a child at home who needs to be tended, and tended in a more hands-on manner. Each day I hope to do one thing for the house, one thing for the family and one thing for me (hey, this is my "staycation"!) Anything that gets done in addition to these is a bonus. Besides, my great plans often seem great before I get started on them, but when I am done, I feel like I did not accomplish much.

It is amazing how really nothing have changed, yet changing the perspective and approach made a huge difference. I feel much calmer today than I did yesterday. I did not find a cure for cancer or trained for a marathon. My house is not cleaner or more organized. But I have come up with a concrete way to measure accomplishments and to say: enough! I am doing enough.

How do I do all this?

Five kids.

Homeschooling.

Running a household.

Getting out of the house.

How do I do this?

The truth is, I don't do it all. I don't do it all well. I do not have the magic bullet for making it all work out. I am not super-organized. I am not calm and all happy. I am not getting a lot of schoolwork done. My house is a mess. The meals are haphazard. The kids are marginally dressed. They are not all happy, either.

I hate the whole supermom cliche. I have these kids, so I have to take care of them. I have to feed them, so I have to plan meals, shop and cook. Sure, they help out, and sometimes go above and beyond. But sometimes they want to be left alone, engrossed in a book or a game, and not surface till the food is ready on the table.

They need to be washed, so the older ones wash the 2 year old and cajole him to put a diaper on. 11 yo watches our baby so I can wash 5 yo's hair. But I much rather wait for my husband to come home and wash 5 yo and 2 yo properly. Often he gets held up at work, and then we scramble.

The kids need to get out of the house, which is more of a challenge now that we are on a break from taekwondo. The park does not hold the same appeal. The other day they preferred to sit in the shade and read their library books rather than play. Actually, it is more complicated than that. The boys chose to read, 5 yo ran around with friends, and 2 yo kept climbing to the highest point of the play structure and refusing to go down a long tube slide, so I had to keep on sending one of the kids to help him down. Oh, and the baby wanted to nurse. One mom remarked: these outings never go as planned. I thought, I did not expect it to go smoothly, this is what I expected it to be.

We are doing daily chumash and Rosetta Stone. We finished Vaera with 11 yo. Somehow, it went by very fast. He is not so into it, which is a shame, since this is exciting stuff: makkos. I'm using Chumash with English translation of Rashi, and I scramble every day. I feel unprepared, and he senses it. However, I'm sticking with it, hoping that it makes an impression. He was building Paro's palace in Minecraft the other day, and then he unleashed makkos. I'm not so sure how it all worked out, but he had fun.

I am doing Chumash with 9 yo, too. For most of the year, I left it up to my husband, but then we picked it up again. We are in the middle of Chayei Sorah. He is able to do Rashi at this point. I have a strong suspicion that he is dyslexic, but it will be hard to prove, since his English reading and comprehension are excellent. He has easier time reading Rashi than regular Hebrew. He keeps reading the words backwards, reading wrong nekudot, switching nekudot and letters around, etc. I wonder what would have happened if I waited to introduce Hebrew letters till he showed interest instead of pushing them when he was 5. I was nervous, and he was the only child of homeschool age and aren't all kindergarten children supposed to at least recognize aleph-beit? Strangely, I am not concerned about these things for my daughter. She is 5, and she might or might not know all her Hebrew letters. She is definitely not reading in English, despite knowing all her letters and even writing quite a bit. But I am not pushing, and I am not worrying. 

I often joke that I will get homeschooling (and parenting) down to a science by the fourth and fifth kid. In a way, it's a blessing that there are so many of them, and I get to learn from my mistakes and get it right down the road. 

No, I do not do it all. I have no desire to do it all, either. Right now, we just need to survive.