Sort of.
Not really.
I want to be back. I want to blog. I NEED to blog. I have a visceral need to unload, to process everything that is going on, and I do it best through a creative outlet. I like to write. I like to create.
But all these activities take time. Time and energy. They are reenegizing, yet draining at the same time.
Time is limited. Every morning when I wake up, I want to go for a walk or a jog. (I'm badly out of shape, so it is a walk). I also want to make a nice breakfast: smoothie, pancakes, bagels, fake bacon, or eggs. I also want to have time for that good morning story or a snuggle with whichever kid requests it. And I want to daven. It is important to start your day with a conversation to G-d. How do I expect my children to have a relationship with Hashem if I'm not working on building mine? Oh, and the baby will wake up and need to nurse at some point. I would love to share a peaceful cup of coffee with my husband. And morning showers are invigorating in the way evening showers never are. And doing Chumash with 11 yo early on, when he's fresh is better that squeezing it in later in the day. And if I do grocery shopping early, I can knock off a chore off my list. There is nothing like shutting a door and doing some yoga, gentle stretching, meditation to calm the mind.
But most mornings I open my eyes because one of the kids is already up and needs me. I stumble around, and I don't get to do what I want, I end up doing what I need to do. The kids need to be packed up for camp and dropped off, the dishwasher needs to be loaded/unloaded, the babies need to be changed, crisis over missing socks/toys/money/hair brush needs to be resolved.
I want quiet time to blog, but I end up sacrificing it to the needs of the family.
My boys are having "the best week ever", in their words. They are off from camp, while 5 yo and 2 yo are still going. On Sunday they had a water gun party with a friend followed by a family swim in a local pool. Both boys are very comfortable swimmers and loved diving. 5 yo got a few practice rounds with the help of daddy and a pool noodle. 2 yo splashed in 1 foot deep kiddie pool.
On Monday I drove them to taekwondo only to find out that this week there is camp, so there are no morning classes. In the afternoon we were invited to a friend's pool. Since I only had older boys (and the baby), I got to relax instead of supervise.
On Tuesday we went to Legoland Discovery Center for a long-oversude siyum. 11 yo finished Sefer Breshit and 9 yo finished Vayeira. They had a grand old time. I was assaulted by all the noise.
Today, on Wednesday, my husband is taking the boys to Six Flags to redeem their Read to Succeed tickets. They have been waiting for this for months, and the excitement is palpable. I'm getting an unexpected quiet day at home with the baby.
So I am blogging.
I hope to go jogging.
Oh, did I just hear the baby?
Perhaps it is too ambitious to want all of these. Perhaps it is imcompatible with five kids and a husband with a crazy schedule. Perhaps nobody can do it all. But can't I wish to do some? Shouldn't I be doing the few things that are necessary for my health, both physical and mental?
I hope to blog more regularly. And jog, ahem, walk.
I feel you sister. I was just trying to explain to a single person that when your kids are at home with you, your husband has a crazy schedule you are in your childbearing years things just aren't as easy.
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