A Wednesday

I am tired. Oh so deeply, essentially tired.

I don't want to whine about how tired I am.

I had a bad night of sleep. 11 yo got braces on his upper teeth and an expander and the pain kicked in in the middle of the night. He marched over at 3 am for a dose of Tylenol.

Not everyone had lunch packed this morning. 13 yo was having a picture day at school, but it was on me to remind him the morning of that he needs to bring a suit on a hanger. 11 yo refused to eat breakfast due to braces and inability to chew his usual morning fare: a bagel. No alternatives would do. He would not think about what to pack for lunch for the homeschool coop classes coming up later in the day. He refused to daven. He refused to go. He refused to do any schoolwork, to listen to any suggestions on how to deal with his teeth, or to offer any of his own. And the whole time I kept coaching myself internally: do not yell, it's his anxiety talking, do not yell, it will make it worse, do not yell...

I packed my lunch. I wiped the kitchen windows. I washed out the recycling bin.

He did get in the car when it was time to leave. He acquiesced to a water bottle, but no food. We listened to iPod in silence during the drive. I felt drained already.

I taught my class. 11 yo is in my class, and he was super jittery the entire time: pacing, touching, blurting things out. I find teaching exciting and draining, even if it's just middle school chemistry to five homeschool kids. My mom called in the middle. We have been taking coop classes on Wednesdays for six years, but she still called when I was teaching.

Then I assisted in another class. 11 yo freaked out about a forgotten password, then he recalled it. I helped paint some rocks. I had lunch. I chatted with other moms, all the while keeping an eye on the clock for the afternoon carpool. 11 yo came over to graze. He had a few crackers. I tried to pretend that it is normal to skip breakfast and lunch, nothing to worry about.

I left at 2 pm. 11 yo seemed agreeable to finding something to eat at home while I would drive carpool. I meekly suggested that he look over his schoolwork and see if he can do anything on his own. I dropped him off and zoomed to preschool to get 2 yo. She was sleeping, and sleepily transferred to her car seat. Then we zoomed onto the highway to get the rest of the kids from their school.

By some sheer miracle (and the existence of people more organized than I) I am part of a carpool where I have to drive only 2-3 times a week instead of 10 times. However, since there are six kids loading into my car, it is never smooth. These ones do not want to sit with those. That one is touching this one. This one is eating. That one is sort of trying to say a bad word while talking about it. These ones are just annoying. That one is loud. And they all have been cooped up in the school building since 8 am and now they are set loose in my car. I used to talk to my kids when we drive places. I used to think they were loud. But this is a whole new level.

But today was not bad. Today they even loaded quickly enough for the carpool lady not to hustle anyone. I had same iPod going and as long as it was playing, they seemed quiet. I checked my messages to see who is dropped off where today. Mind you, it is 4 pm now and I have been driving since 2.

We get home. 13 yo and 7 yo change into their bathing suits for swimming. Years ago, when I just started homeschooling, the boys tried out for a swim team and were not able to swim enough to qualify. Now it is a whole different story. We live a five-minute walk from the JCC. There are no major streets to cross. 13 yo is legally old enough to babysit. But JCC apparently has a rule that he is not old enough to be 7 yo's guardian while she is attending swim practice. They are not just splashing in the pool, they are attending an organized class, but they need to be watched by a legal; guardian. So they cannot walk over there and back on their own, and they cannot be left there unsupervised while they are swimming. I am very upset by this. Have I known this, I probably would not have signed 7 yo up. 13 yo is old enough to get there and back on his own. And I wonder: we keep complaining how kids nowadays are so ill-adapted to independent living, how millennials are such spoiled brats, how they don't know how to be tough. Why do we set up such rules in place that keep kids on a short parental leash for so long? How are large families supposed to manage this? I tried bringing my younger kids to practice, but it is no fun keeping 2 yo for half an hour away from the pool's edge. Besides. she was just in the car for over an hour. All she wants to do is come home, chill and play.

My only solution was to ask 11 yo if he so kindly would not mind watching his two younger siblings at home while I watched his two older siblings at the pool, twice a week. He agreed, but today both younger siblings disagreed. I ended up shoving two older kids out to the door, leaving 11 yo in charge of two screaming kids. If you want to feel mom guilt, do that, especially after spending zero time with the babies the whole day.

After the pool, faster, faster, let's get home, I know the little ones were storming the pantry before I left. I have not been home since 9 am, so there is no dinner because there was no time for the dinner. But never fear, we are going to eat out tonight at a new Israeli restaurant because that's the best I could come up with. As we are getting in the car to drive that ridiculously short distance home, 11 yo called me to hurry up because 2 yo did not stop crying the entire time I was gone.

I bitterly commented how I need more grown-ups in my life, so I am not leaving an 11 yo in braces pain in charge of two screaming kids. 13 yo wryly commented how he used to be that 11 yo. Yes, kid, we have been making do for years. It is sad when kids have to step up and function as adults.

I am greeted at the doorstep by a teary 2 yo clutching her blankie next to her big brother. 4 yo is freaking out that this new restaurant will not have hot dogs and what he will eat then? The rest of the food is "yucky". It does not take a supersleuth to figure out that he did not nap today, that he's tired, that the last thing he wants is to go out to eat instead of snuggling on the couch with mommy. But there is no dinner, and I am not serving noodles yet again.

The new restaurant was a bright spot. Even my husband made it home on time to come with us. The food was plentiful and good, they had schnitzel for 4 yo, 11 yo was able to chew and get mashed potatoes. The rebbitzen of the community invited us out for Succot lunch. Yay for procrastination! One less meal to plan for!

And then my husband got called up, And then we got home at 7 pm. 7 yo had twenty minutes of nightly reading log. 4 yo went back into full meltdown mode, and I was trying to manage the kids from the couch while half-listening to my daughter read. It is clicking, but it is still slow. Both boys were reading fluently and for pleasure at this age. She still does so little functional reading that I had to point out the kids' section on the menu. I am also thinking how this mandatory reading is not helping move things along, but, being a conscientious student, she dutifully reads every night.

After I finished and tucked in the three youngers, I did two more sections from Hilchot Teshuva with 11 yo. That was the only schoolwork that we did today.

It is 9:30. 11 yo is still up. I packed lunches. I am defrosting chicken for erev yom kippur and for kids to eat on Yom Kippur.

I just want to go and kick back with a book. But most of all, I want to arrive at the nighttime not mindlessly tired.

Minimalist Purim gone awry

Dear G-d, if this was supposed to be a joke, I am not finding it to be funny.

Two weeks ago I heard the rabbi speak in shul on the subject of happiness and Purim. He said how there is no specific prescription for happiness because everyone is happy in their own way. So I thought: this year, part of my happiness is not stressing about Purim. I will have a minimalistic Purim. I am no longer running Purim costume gemach that was a source of mitzvah, but also a source of tremendous personal headache. It was also a source of costumes for my kids, as I managed the donations and was on the lookout year-round for costumes to add. So this year, they had to make their own or tell me early enough what they wanted to do so I could buy it. Only 7 yo told me what she wanted to be: a baby (cue in processing complex emotions of not being a baby any more as she is becoming older and there are actual babies in the house). Her costume was footie pajamas, a bib, a giant plastic bottle and a diaper worn on the outside of the pajamas. I sort of tried to warn her that there might be conversations and remarks taking place over that diaper, but she shrugged them off. If rocking a diaper is what you want to do, you go girl! And just like that, she brushed off all the comments and wore her diaper.

To everyone else I suggested going as a swim team: everyone wears already existing bathing suits. 10 yo did it, I wore mine, and I put one on 4 yo and 1 yo. 12 yo went as an old Russian lady: a kerchief on his head, a patched blanket for his back, and a drumstick for a walking cane. He even learned a few Russian phrases to go with his look, for authenticity. My husband went as... drumroll... a doctor. Yeah, we went all out. And I did not stress about the costumes or keeping with a theme.

To continue my quest for minimalism, and to decrease stress, I decided that our mishloach manot will be a simple hamentash and a clementine in a paper bag. But then I panicked that the free-form hamentashen that my kids made were too free-form, so I spent a motzei shabbos making my own batch that would look more traditional. Except that I decided to use half whole wheat flour, to be creative. But I was also impatient, so I dumped it all together with the other ingredients and got sand crumbs instead of dough. Then I panicked and started adding water and oil to make the dough come together. When it did, it did not look nice, more like sand held together with water. So much for simplicity and minimalism. I shaped that batch, baked it, and hoped for the best.

On Friday before Purim I went to work assembling these michloach manot. I used brown paper sandwich bags, stuck a hamentash and a clementine inside and stapled them with a note that proclaimed package's minimalism. I was done in half an hour, feeling so smug about quick and easy way out from this task.

Comes Purim day and we are getting ready to deliver my preassembled batch when I see that the oil from the dough seeped through the paper bags, ripping some and producing ugly oil stains on the others. Now they do not look simple, now they look ready for the garbage... as 12 yo pointed out that I should have placed a hamentash in a plastic bag first (poor environment!) I blew up at him, how he did not lift a finger with these and now tells me what I should have done.

But really, I was mad at G-d.

I just wanted something to be simple. I just wanted something to work out. I wanted to rejoice in the simplicity of stress-free mishloach manot. Usually, we make turkey wraps and give them out with pickles and a hamentash on the side. It has been our staple, but it is labor-intensive and makes distribution difficult, as it needs to be either eaten or refrigerated. Then it also requires a note warning that the wrap is fleishig but the hamentash is parve.

By the time we were ripping open the oily bags, placing hamentashen into ziplocks and I was retyping the note with our name and theme (G-d forbid I would clutter my computer with a file that I wasn't planning on reusing) and then cutting the labels, I wondered out loud whether it would not have been easier to do those turkey wraps in the first place.

Then, as the return michloach manot started to arrive, I thought whether our minimalist package would bring anyone happiness.

I hope it did, come today, the day after Purim, when there is too much candy, too many sweets, and Pesach is only four weeks away.

a prisoner of mood swings

We have been having some really great days with 8 yo. No, we have not changed anything that I can say. Daddy has been around a bit more, and they have been horsing around a bit more, but not in any new way. We have not started any medication, supplements or therapy. We have not cut out gluten (although I do try to avoid food coloring and extra sugar, but I am not strict about it). Anyway, it has been almost gloriously smooth.

Until today.

Today we were supposed to go to the nature center for a homeschool day. We have been in the past, and I always wonder how much schoolwork to plan on a day like this. On one hand, it's a field trip, and I get quite tired from it to do anything extra. On the other hand, I find the kids are sitting around, when they could be learning or reviewing something. So I decided to keep it to a minimum.

10 yo was learning mishna right after shacharit, and then I asked him to do one page of math. For 8 yo, who also went to shul, I asked him to do math only, hoping that if my husband comes home early enough, they can do some chumash. 10 yo shrugged and proceeded to math. 8 yo dramatically dropped to the floor, and laid there,  motionless.

Now this was going on as my daughter was pulling out large scissors and glue stick for her project, and 1 yo was diligently dumping books off the bookshelf. I still had to pack our lunch. I had it all laid out, it just had to be placed into the cooler backpack. I knew that if I focused on 1 yo, and read him a book, he would stop, I knew that 4 yo wanted me to read to her, too, only 1 yo kept yanking that book out of my hands. I was getting upset that 8 yo balked at one school thing that he was assigned. Meanwhile, 10 yo was having difficulty with his math, and also needed help.

I found myself helplessly sitting at the table, yelling at 4 yo having scissors where 1 yo can get them, yelling at 10 yo rounding off answers and not showing his work, yelling at 8 yo for being so darn freaking dramatic and not even trying. It might be hard to explain what it feels like to be held hostage by a child's unpredictable mood.

In the end, he sulked off to his room to do his math, 10 yo did not even finish his one page, and I forgot to grab my cellphone. We were running late, and 1 yo was screaming. I shushed and shushed kids in the car, even though they were not doing anything objectively objectionable. We barely made it.

Today's homeschool class involved a Starlab, an inflatable dome onto which the night sky is projected. I knew it was meant for kids ages 5 and up, but I was not sure whether my daughter would stay. (For the purists, she will be five in a month, so this is a technicality). She chose to stay with her brothers to go inside the dome while I took 1 yo out in a stroller to see the beaver in his enclosure.

Later, the kids came out and even did the little prepared crafts. 8 yo was concerned about making a "holiday" craft, which involved pinpricking the stars in a printed constellation and then decorating a frame with nature objects such as acorns, tiny pine cones, seeds and leaves. I said that I do not feel that there is anything wrong with making such a craft.

As the kids were working at various stations, a staff member came up to tell me how much 8 yo knew about the stories of the constellations. I assumed he meant 10 yo, the master talker, but he said, no, the younger one. I asked 8 yo where he learned all these stories; I certainly do not recall teaching him any, or him reading up on the subject matter. He reminded me of the astronomy class he took at the coop last year. Yeah, I definitely do not give this kid enough credit...

Then we drove home, and the math was still looming. 10 yo sat down and did his one problem, incorrectly. Then he moved on to his mishna homework. 8 yo went back to complete meltdown. I told him to step outside. His best response was, Hashem made a mistake in creating me. I said, Hashem does not make mistakes, and you have to be the best kid that you can be.

Soon, it was time to leave for taekwondo. I told the boys to bring their schoolwork, and to do it there, while waiting for their class.10 yo brought his mishna, and the second volume of Harry Potter. Harry Potter won. Meanwhile, 8 yo brought his math binder over. We ended up doing it after his class. He finished the whole page, with very minimal help, in five minutes. As we completed it, I asked, were your fits worth it? He responded, no, and that he is sorry for his behavior.

So here I am, a hostage to my child's moods. I know that I should be a wise parent, rising above such hiccups, I know that I should take a deep breath, hold it together, stay calm and reassuring. But I also know that there is no rhyme or reason to these fits. Today can be horrible, and tomorrow can be sunny. Today can be peachy, and tomorrow the world will be coming to an end. Today I can plan, and carry out, and tomorrow everything will get scrambled. I am flexible, but this is taxing beyond basic flexibility.

biting girls

Sugar and spice and everything nice...

No, this is not my daughter.
This is how we like to portray girls as a society.

But even aidel meidels (sweet girls) are not always sweet. Moreover, maybe they should not be expected to be always sweet.

Yesterday, 4 yo decided to put lotion onto boys' stuffed animals. When they found out, they came out of their room, fuming.
I asked: "Why did she do this?"
10 yo: "She wanted to turn them into girls."
"How putting lotion onto animals turns them into girls?"
"Have you ever seen a boy willingly put on lotion?"
Good point.
After a good wash cycle, the animals were all clean and fluffy.
Meanwhile, 4 yo cracked a robin's eggshell that 8 yo found and was planning to trade in at the nature center. She would not put away her laundry. They boys were quite mad at her, and I was losing all my patience. At some point, she stomped out: "The reason I am causing all this drama is because I want to take a nap!"
Well then, I will not stand in your way.

She sulked in her bed. The boys called an emergency meeting in another room. They drew a pretty mean cartoon of 4 yo and her animals. Now she was upset at them. She said that she feels like crumpling their paper and putting it into garbage.

I asked her why she put the lotion on the animals and she said that she just could not control herself. That's a line from 8 yo, but that is a valid point: she is usually very good at going with the flow, toeing the line, being all nice. But once in a while, something sets her off, and she does not want to do as expected.

I sensed that the mood has changed just enough for everyone to come to mutual understanding. I asked each kid how they felt about what happened. Everyone said how mad they felt and how they felt like doing these horrible things to each other. Then they came up with the idea how now they feel better and are ready to make up. I suggested they all go to separate rooms and draw a new picture of how they feel now. 10 yo added: "Draw two pictures: one of how you felt before and one of how you feel now." They all scrambled to different rooms, even 8 yo.

4 yo asked me how to spell "for". I helped her. I am not sure if she understood what 10 yo meant; she drew some squiggles and wrote "for me". 8 yo drew two stick figures going at each other with light sabers. One was labeled "me" and the other one "not". "Me" had some advanced light saber with the middle shooting part. It was clear that "not" will be slaughtered, and that was his sister. On the other side, he drew two stick figures standing close, with a heart between them, clearly communicating loving feelings.

10 yo drew some complicated diagram of a person being thrown off a cliff and into some machine with gears and moving parts. He showed the path which would surely dismember the figure. His "happy" drawing was also stick figures with a heart.

Bottom line, all the kids made up, with just a bit of intervention.

Then, at bedtime, 4 yo bit me. It was so unexpected that I even asked her: "Did you just bite me?!" She nodded. I immediately told her that I will not continue tucking her in, but I said it very calmly and matter-of-fact. I said that I do not like being bitten and it hurts. I also thought how by now I can expect that even my calmest and sweetest kid might not always be calm and sweet, so I can handle it appropriately instead of blowing my top. She looked like she immediately regretted her action.

Tonight, at bedtime, before I even started tucking her in, she told me that she is very sorry about biting yesterday and she will not bite me today. (She was very agreeable today). Lesson learned, I hope.

close reading of directions

I was working on something with 9 yo when 7 yo told me he was having hard time with math. I told him to skip ahead and that I will help him when I finish.

Here are the directions for the section that gave him hard time:

Solve. Write a multiplication or an addition or both for each problem. Do not just write the answer. You can draw pictures to help you!

I saw that he did the rest of the problems in that section except for one. Here is the problem that he wanted help with:

The Johnsons ordered four pizzas, sliced into four pieces each. The dog ate one slice. How many pieces did the people get?

I asked him what was not clear about this problem and he went into early stages of meltdown. I asked him to talk out loud what he has to do. He clearly knew that a dog ate on slice so that's minus one. I asked him, how many slices were there before and he tearfully said, sixteen. (He did a problem about this family on a previous page, ordering three pies with veggies and one with meat, each sliced into four slices, and he knew the answer there, so that could not have been the problem). I asked him just to write down what he just told me and he screamed back: "But in the directions they say "a multiplication or addition", not subtraction!"

Did you catch that inconsistency? Would that have bothered you? Would that have stopped you from solving a problem that you know how to solve? Would that be a reason to cry?

It is so freaking hard, watching out for these little things, catching them before a full-blown tantrum ensues, explaining that it is OK if not everything is 100% clear. Is it a learning disability? Is he still so young that everything is taken literally? Is he super-observant? And what am I to do about this?

singing chumash

Today we hit a roadblock with 7 yo regarding chumash. We are at 16th pasuk, the one where Paro gives Avram gifts because of Sarai. I tried memorizing trop for it yesterday, but I found myself getting tripped up by the sheer bounty. I was holding the baby and standing up, so I could not look in the chumash as I was reciting it for 7 yo. After accidentally making mistakes twice, I realized that I can "make mistakes" on purpose and ask him to correct me. Yesterday it worked, but he did not want to read the pasuk the second time.

Today he did the matching shorashim to the words page, but absolutely refused to read the pasuk. He refused all of my offers of reading it together, just listening to me read it, just listening to baal koreh, etc. He was adamant that he is not reading this pasuk, it is too hard, the usual "I can't attitude" and sulking in his room. At some point I even asked him to go jump on the trampoline to calm down, but he would not do it. After some self-imposed time in his room, he came out and apologized to me for behaving like that, but he still was set on skipping this pasuk. He was still not ready to listen to any suggestions. I sort of said that I am not sure whether his behavior changed, and whether he is sorry for the way he is behaving.

Some more time passed. I saw him go outside as I was putting the baby for a nap. Then I was planning to talk to him, and see if there is any change. He was coming to me, carrying a cucumber-eating beetle in a ziploc. (I have a deal with the kids: I will pay them 10 cents for catching the bugs off our garden, as it is the only way to salvage any harvest at this point). It reminded me of a cat bringing a mouse offering to appease its master. I sat him down, one-on-one, bug in hand, in  a lawn chair outside and we talked a bit more. He was calm outside. He said that he FEELS he cannot do this pasuk properly and there is no use in trying. I said that he does not HAVE to say it properly, and we can just do the first part today. He reluctantly accepted it. I asked him to bring outside any chumash that he wanted and we'll work on it. He brought Bright Beginnings. I asked him about the first word "uleAvram"( and to Avram), he read it, then the next one "hetiv" ( he did good) and then I helped him with "baavurah" ( because of her). I was planning on stopping there, but he did the next two: "vaiehi lo" ( and he had) and then said that he does not know the rest. Now I know that tzon uvakar (sheep and cattle) come together, so I sang out "baa v moo" in trop and he laughed. I asked him whether he knew what is cattle and we talked about cows a bit. He repeated "baa v moo" in a sing-song trop after me, and then substituted with "tzon u vakar" The next word was "vechamorim"( male donkeys). He said it should be "hee-haw (pause) male". I sang just that in trop and then added baa v moo. He laughed again, and first said it all in animal sounds, and then in Hebrew.

We worked our way through the rest of the pasuk. For avadim (slaves), he let out a sigh, for shfahot (maidservants) he clasped his hands near his cheek. I made sure that he knew that the translation "maids" does not mean "maidens", but he stuck with a flirtatious pose. Atonot (female donkeys) were, naturally, "hee-haw ( pause) female" and g'malim (camels) required an arched back. He was able to read the entire pasuk in the end, with quite a bit of trop and with all the necessary sounds and motions. At the end, I bravely asked him to tell me in Hebrew the names of all different animals and he could do it!

Sometimes we need to use brute force. Sometimes we need to back off. And sometimes we need every trick in the bag to make learning happen. I had to make sure 7yo felt heard and expressed his fear about a hard pasuk. I had to wait for the fear to pass. I had to change venue and work outside. I had to employ trop and translation. I had to let him lead the way in silliness and feel that he "owned" his learning. I had to let go of my idea that reviewing a pasuk will take five minutes on a couch.

mostly unschooling today

Today's school:

• soring legos by size and kind
• davening
• trip to the wastewater treatment plant
• lunch with friends
• trampoline
• making hot chocolate with 3 and 7 yo
• making potato-yucca kugel with 3 yo
• chumash with 9 yo
• drum practice for both boys
• step-by-step drawing of Pokemon: Snivy
• picking up in all the rooms
• parsha reading on the couch for a good-night story

Ok, not a lot of formal schoolwork here. Some very happy kids, though. 9 yo did feel that it is unfair that he HAS to do chumash and HAS to write out one word from 10 pesukim. We are in the middle of Yitzhak giving brachot to his sons. Whenever 9 yo has a question about p'shat, he automatically looks up Rashi. He has been doing about 5 pesukim a day now, and really translating on his own. Over the course of this year, his skills improved quite a bit.

I am still trying to figure out this whole unschooling thing. I mind need to read up a bit on it. I might decide that some things are non-negotiable, like davening and chumash, and some can happen any time. 

Oh, and no tantrums from 7 yo. Some bouncing around, but no resistance. Even when he was working on his drawing and not understanding exactly where to draw the next part, he just stuck with it, even though his frustration was rising.

What would a whole week without tantrums be like?

being in charge

It's two o'clock and we are finished. I think, for today, I got a good balance of "things to do" and "things which will get done without stressing anyone out".

6 yo got up at 8:20, he has a cold and needed extra sleep. After leisurely breakfast, he got dressed and unloaded his share of the dishwasher. He even davened with his sister, unsolicited. By the time he got to his davening, it was 10. His agenda had four items: math, Lama, Lashon haTorah and spelling. Yet here, we are, at 2, and he is done, even though he got time to play outside and eat lunch and read.

Yesterday, we had a siyum for Chayei Sorah that 8 yo finished. He got really motivated towards the end, seeing that it is all genealogy and easy reading. Last day, he did about 7 pesukim, just to finish up. For his wrap-up project, we wrote up a family tree of Terach's family. We went all the way back to the end of Noach, found Rivka's blood line, and included Yishmael's children along with all Keturah's sons. I feel like I want to frame it, it is so complex. He also added in Yakov and shvatim. I said that we will add Eisav's and shvatim's kids when we learn them. So we went to Menchie's yesterday, to celebrate. I remarked to my husband how we did a whole parsha in just a few months, and we will probably finish another one by the end of the year. Since we are going at our own pace, it does not seem rushed, just the speed we are moving along at.

Today 6 yo finished his first Lashon haTorah workbook. I will be ordering the second one.

One of the issues I grapple with again and again is how much pressure should be coming from me as opposed to internal motivation of the child. We have been slowly adding more brachot in Shemone Esre with 8 yo. Right now, I let him daven quietly everything till Shemone Esre, and then he says it out loud with me. We are up to Judgement ( din). He read it over in Hebrew and got the basic idea, but I knew that he did not know all the words. He has not been eager to lean the meanings of all the words. Incidentally, Artscroll was having a sale and had a book on Shemone Esre, explaining each bracha. I ordered it and figured that it will help. 8 yo glanced at it, but has not opened it. This morning, I decided to pull it out and show him the bracha and read a little insight. He had no interest, in fact, he said that I am taking away his kavana ( intention). I asked, why? He said that the book is very long and intimidating. I immediately closed the book, bookmarking the page of the bracha and put it away. We ended up talking a bit as to why this bracha comes after the ingathering of exiles and the true justice of G-d. Obviously, while the subject might be interesting to him, the timing is not right. The book  and the bookmark will stay, but I will leave it to his discretion whether to open it or not.

Along the same lines, some days it takes 6 yo hours and hours to finish one or two pages of work. Sometimes he is distracted. Sometimes he does not feel like working. Sometimes I wish he would just get up and say that he will do it later. But most times, I discover that the reason is quite different. Usually it is some assignment, way later on the list, that he is dreading, so he starts stalling early. Usually the dread has nothing to do with difficulty, but with his perception of work. For example, we were supposed to complete a page of questions and answers about Lama. He read the story fluently and translated without a hitch, so I knew that he knew the vocabulary. When we opened to the page, he dissolved into a tantrum. Once he was able to talk ( half an hour later), he said that they expect him to write everything perfectly. Ok, the lines are small (this is a second grade workbook and he is not a comfortable writer), but never did I ask him for perfection. I offered to split the writing, and he agreed. Then I suggested using a ruled piece of paper for the answers, so he would not be constricted by small lines. That was also fine. Then we hit a wall. The practice was for the verb "open", and the choices were "poteach/potachat/potchim/potchot". As long as the picture had a boy, the questions "mi poteach" was fine, but as soon as the picture was that of a girl, he could not understand what they want from him, and why is the question still in masculine. All of my explanation that the questioner does not know the gender or the amount of people performing the action fell on deaf ears. He could not deal with it, and dissolved into tears. I closed the book for the day.

Today we went back to the same page (after skipping a day). He was ready to accept the explanation and polished it off very quickly, writing in half the answers (on small lines) and giving me the other half orally for me to write in.

What would happen to this kid in a classroom? Which teacher would have the patience to recognize that the tantrums have nothing to do with misbehavior but with the pain of reality not conforming to expectations? How often do we, grown-ups, completely lose it when reality bites? When that person takes too long to make a left turn and then we have to wait for the next light? When somebody makes a promise and then does not keep it? When we want it to be Sunday, but it is Monday?

I wonder whether I really should let 6 yo be, instead of enforcing more and more schoolwork. This is not about ability, but this is about sanity, both for him and for me.

Two days: a comparison

Yesterday was a marvelous day and today was a total disaster.

Let me start with yesterday. It was Sunday. My husband was not on call. He took 6 yo out to get him his special yellow belt gift, which was really a ruse for them to spend some time together. And yes, this guy got his yellow belt before his brother. I am strongly pro tae kwon do at this point for self-control.

We were planning to go to the Gem and Mineral Show. Both boys were up and dressed early. They ate breakfast quickly, unloaded the dishwasher and davened. 8 yo had his drum lesson and we got a good report from the teacher on his progress. Then, before we drove to the show, 8 yo folded and put away his laundry. The time was 10:15 am, and two chores were done!

My husband and 6 yo were planning to meet us at the show, so we drove there and wandered around a bit. 8 yo was very good about looking around and not touching without permission. He marveled at the fossils, recognized some minerals, watched the fluorescent rocks. He asked how a faceting machine works and got a personal demonstration. At another table, he was shown how grams are converted into carats and the price of a jewel is calculated. 2 yo had much harder time, first with not being able to see the high displays and then with not touching. I got both boys a mystery bag to add to their rock collection.

Then we all drove to the park where the kids played. 8 yo took turns giving and getting rides on a spin ride, 6 yo ran with some other boys pretending to be Spiderman with his new soaker glove and 2 yo found a girl to play with and to follow around. My husband pushed her on a swing for a bit. I got to sit back and relax. At some point, 8 yo walked over and told me about how he feels that the day is going just right and feels so perfect. That was encompassing my feeling in its entirety.

As we drove back, 8 yo was plotting on how to build his club house in the backyard. His plans included a shelf for games, a tent cover, bushes for infrastructure and for benches. He even asked me to turn the music off so that he could think. When we got home, he went right to it.

My husband got some sand and we filled up the punching bag base that I scored for free from boys' tae kwon do. Then it was dinnertime (falafel and ice cream), followed by showers and bed time. I was leaving to a fundraiser, so I just kissed boys on the way out the door and got a little speech from 6 yo about how kisses are good both for kids and grown-ups.

Today was miserable. We got up late, then we ended up rushing to go to a friend's house to play since there was supposed to be an art lesson for our 8 yer olds. We were rushing because I wanted to give them time to play before the class. The class was cancelled, but the kids did play. We got home around lunchtime. The boys went to the backyard while I was warming up lunch and writing the schedule. There was slow eating, resistance from 2 yo to taking a nap and then stalling before getting started on formal schoolwork. 6 yo wrote up Lashon HaTorah and then threw a major fit when I asked him to read what he wrote. Meanwhile 8 yo started on math, but he was working very slowly and sloppily, skipped some pages, got some problems wrong and did not memorize the table of threes like he was supposed to. Then 6 yo started on math and did that quickly. 8 yo moved on to spelling without bringing over any of the supplies or writing the date. 6 yo brought over Lama, decided that it was easy, but took forever to write his answers. 8 yo finally completed spelling, accused me of giving him the words that do not follow the rule and stomped and fumed. 6 yo moved on to his spelling where he got two of the review words wrong. I did not want to give him more words to study, so I told him just to study those two. Another major fit. 8 yo was ready for Lashon Hatorah, but the page was not to his liking. He expressed all his feelings about it. By now the time was 3:45 and I was done. 2 yo woke up from her nap, and I still had errands to run. I wrote up the chumash assignment for 8 yo, and told both boys that they will be completing their schoolwork later, on their own time.

8 yo told me later that he was all done, which elicited another fit from 6 yo who had literally two lines of work left. Turns out that 8 yo lied and did not do his work... and there was a water bottle spilled all over the car, and there was fighting over music or over silence, and over the granola bars and the car door was slammed without the light being turned off, and the wrappers were not in the garbage and it was all my fault!

By the time we got home, around 7 pm, I was tearing my hair out. I ordered everyone in pajamas and actually threatened not serving dinner. The boys did get pajamas on and sat on the couch, reading for a bit. I reheated the leftovers. After dinner, 8 yo lied, this time about brushing his teeth. Considering that we still have a dentist's bill from his previous three cavities, I do not find this to be a trivial matter. 6 yo decided that now is the time to go look for yet another stuffed animal to sleep with. Now I had three kids to tuck in by myself.

Did I mention that my husband is on call tonight?

So what went right yesterday and wrong today?

Now that I have cooled off myself and can think clearly, here are a few things:

• two adults vs. one adult
• split up kids, especially the temperamental 6 yo vs. having all three feed off each other's tantrums
• clearly spelled-out expectations for the day vs. flying by the seat of our pants
• more time to get things done vs. rushing to keep within certain time frames
• no written-up schoolwork vs. a formal list of assignments
• pleasant and expected activities (drumming, show, park) vs. drudgery (spelling, chumash, lashon hatorah)
• low-pressure weekend vs. high-pressure weekday
• day spent mostly outdoors vs. day spent mostly indoors
• feeding off a positive feeling that the day is going well and will keep on getting better vs. a yucky feeling that the day is bad and cannot be spoiled any further with more horribleness
• looking forward to a grown-up activity, alone vs. knowing that there is no end in sight (those leftovers are still waiting to be cleaned up...)

What can I take away from all of this, or, how can tomorrow be better?

For starters, tomorrow we do not have anything scheduled and I will keep it that way. Then, my husband should hopefully be home for dinner and bedtime, so I can try to see myself as being off-duty at that point. I can split the kids up between upstairs and downstairs. I will write up a clear list of schoolwork for the day, with pages and expectations. I will also promise park time in the afternoon if all the schoolwork is completed early. Finally, if the day is not going smoothly, and we are just butting heads, I will put myself in timeout, remember to breathe ( or have a drink), or call it quits rather than escalate the tension further. And I will try to get out of the house alone, even if it means sitting in Starbucks for 20 minutes because I cannot come up with any better plan.

We all have days like these...

this one is not a mentch

This past Shabbos, R. Chanoch Teller was a guest speaker in our shul. He gave a class about being a mentch (an admirable person). He started by saying how all parenting classes tell parents to love their children, but that a lot of them do not say that it is much easier to love your children if they are well-behaved and are mentches.

Overall, I agree. It is easier to love a child who is lovable. But what about your child who is not? What if your child is the one who is throwing a major tantrum? What if your child routinely bites/hits/hurts/screams at you and his siblings? What if your child makes you wonder where he came from, because he is not like you and like your other kids?

Before I go further, let me clarify that this is not a parenting issue, that your other kids are being brought up in the exact same way, in the exact same household, but their behavior is more reflective of your expectations, while this one child is off the wall. If all your children are off the wall, then you might need to reexamine your parenting.

You have that one child who is different. The one who melts down over the slightest things, the one who drives you nuts, the one for whom you wish there were parents to call and to complain to, except that you are the parent. What are you supposed to do?

All of a sudden, a chorus of blaming voices materializes. These voices usually find fault in the parent.

• It's your genetics, you must have had undiagnosed (or diagnosed) ADD or some other disorder and now look what you transmitted.
• It's your reluctance to medicate, there must be a nice pill which will magically turn your little monster into a human.
• It's your eagerness to medicate, must be that one of those drugs is causing a side effect, and you are blindly shoving more medicine in.
• If only you would cut out gluten/sugar/carbs/food coloring/dairy, you would see such a difference.
• If you were only stricter and show who is the boss, the child would obey.
• If you only hugged them and held them during tantrums, then they would feel comfortable and not have to express themselves this way.
• If only you would have held off on those vaccines, your child could have been normal.

The list goes on...

I included the items from both sides of the aisle, since I find that both sides scream themselves hoarse over the choices they make or regret making. The overall sense of guilt and wrongdoing starts to envelop the parent, who is coming to grips that this child will not be a conventional child. The parents either are paralyzed by realization that this is not going away, or seek out every single cure in hope that one of them will do the trick.

What happened to embracing differences? What happened to realizing that not everyone is cut out to be mentch by temperament? What happened to accepting the child for who he is, warts and all?

King David
http://www.biblewalks.com/Photos30/DavidHarp8.jpg

David HaMelech was a warrior by temperament. By plain p'shat, same temper which caused him to act fearlessly in battle led him to audaciously seize Batsheva and concoct a cover-up with Uriah. Despite all the whitewashing of the story, David's actions were not in accordance with Hashem's will; he clearly performed an evil deed, and confessed later that he sinned. The larger question is: why is this story recorded, especially since it has to come with so many explanations of how it is not as bad as it sounds? It must be that an important lesson is hidden in there: even a great personality is not always acting as a mentch.

Based on midrashim, David's own family did not think very highly of him. He was odd, he was weird, he was different, he did not seem suited for leadership, and he wrestled bears and lions with his bare hands. Does not sound like a nice yeshiva bochur. His parents probably stayed up at night, whispering and shaking heads, wondering what would become of him. But he was given an opportunity to be a shepherd, stay in the wilderness, play his harp, expend his energy, find what suits him.

Are we giving our difficult children the same opportunity? Are we depriving them of a chance to become the next great leader by constantly squeezing them into a box that is too small? Do all of them have to behave like a mentch all the time? Do we have to point out every time how they do not measure up?

I am guilty of this. I have a child who is not like either my husband or me. Today I wish there were some parents somewhere to call and to complain to about how his behavior is just plain wrong. But now, sitting down, I think how this child is most likely to behave like a mentch in the most unexpected situations: share something, help someone, make someone feel better, tune in to the feelings of others. As I enlarge the box, his finer qualities manage to squeeze in, too, and overshadow the inappropriate behaviors.

I need to find more opportunities for this child to shine.

just call in the cops

In today's news I got an answer as to what happens when a kid throws a major tantrum in school. This is in Georgia. I am just saving myself a trip to police station and a school suspension. By the way, since that kid is suspended for losing her temper, guess what? She must be homeschooled for the rest of the year. See, I am just saving myself trouble.

Today, only one tantrum. I did not handle it beautifully, I ended up screaming back. So, basically, I tantrumed too.

We did all schoolwork today between the hours of 11 and 2. Both boys continued Rosetta Stone. 6 yo chose reading first, and read the whole reader to me. Then he did handwriting ( letter b), while I was doing spelling with 8 yo, who got all the words right today. So I sneakily told him to look up optional vocabulary words for science class. Then he chose math, which was 2 and 3 -D geometry. He did everything by himself, and followed with Out of Egypt story.

Meanwhile, 6 yo chose Lama and for today I agreed to write down the sentences if he reads them and tells me where they go. That went smoothly and then he read the next part of the story. Then we came to math. He wanted to do more train tracks like we did yesterday. I wanted to review place value. He puckered, but went ahead. Then we hit even/odd problem. He crumbled, saying he does not know which numbers are which. I tried giving him hints but he already decided it's too hard. Tantrum, major tantrum, kicking and screaming on the floor. The kind for which you get handcuffed. Maybe next time I should call police when I cannot control my child. ( Facetious, internet is bad at relating sarcasm).

I walked away and started making lunch for others. I told him he can join us when he finishes the page. His reflex is to grasp me and to yell. I said, I do not like to be hugged when I am not listened to. More yelling. After a while, I offered to show him how to do the first problem. His brother sneaked in even/odd answer. Slowly, creakily, he finished and came for lunch.

I served leftover plain noodles for lunch. My boys usually like them plain, not too hot, so that they can sprinkle cheese on top and it will not melt. Well, today first 8 yo asked for sauce on his noodles while watching his sister eat and then, later, 6 yo asked for sauce and melted cheese. One thing that is constant with kids: whichever routine you have, it will change.

After lunch, 6 yo breathed through ketiva and Rosetta Stone. I did more Chumash with 8 yo. I wrote a few al mi neemar and first he complained that there are no nekudot ( I was rushing) but then he answered them all. We got to the "juicy" part of Lot's daughters and we read the plan, the oldest coming and going and bullying the youngest into doing the same. Once he read the first pasuk, he exclaimed that she could not do that! I said that she thought they are the only people in the world. I asked him if he thought they will actually do it. He said, no. Then he noticed that extra nekuda and asked about it immediately. I told him that indicated that Lot did know what happened. Then I asked him if he thought the youngest was going to follow through. He said, no. I offered to read on to find out, but he demurred.

Considering how it went, I find it funny that I was so concerned about how I will teach this part to him. I guess I am comfortable now answering whatever question he would ask.

Manic Monday

Today was first back-to-school day after a long Pesach hiatus. But is was definitely not first day of learning, in fact, it might have hindered it some.

I got to the gym, which always seems to help start the day right. The boys ate breakfast and davened without too many complications. 8 yo decided to add Aleinu today, the whole thing. 6 yo added another bracha from Birchot haShachar. Then the oldest went to do Rosetta Stone and I did spelling with the younger one. He got discouraged to get some words wrong, but he also got some right. He traced them on the table and assembled them out of Bananagrams. Then we did handwriting, letter h lowercase. Then he chose writing. I asked him to write something about Pesach. First he dictated a sentence to me, I wrote it down and he wanted to copy it. Then he got stuck on my lowercase g, HWT just does a small curve on the bottom and I brought my loop up to the line. This involved kicking and screaming. I asked whether I should rewrite it with a curvy g, he said yes, then tantrumed some more. Finally he said that he will write, Thank G-d Hashem took us out of Egypt. He spelled it "thac g-d Hashem took us out ov" and then went to pull out a book about Egypt to see how to spell it. He also chose to end his sentence with an exclamation point.

Meanwhile, 8 yo did some math, it was calendar reading and then review of time/money. He was not putting in, as any answer that required more than filling in a bubble was not complete. I had to send him back to redo his work. Then he proceeded to Lashon Hatorah on his own and got it all right.

I was planning on doing more place value math with 6 yo, but his brother suggested building a train track and the train could advance one track for each math problem he solved correctly. 6 yo was thrilled, and I got him to review addition/subtraction till 20.

Then I did spelling with 8 yo and sent him to write his own Pesach story. He titled it Out of Egypt ( hm, plagiarism anyone?) He also just did token writing, very obviously not into it. What he was into today was making his Zen garden. We got this book out of the library called Living History and it takes a civilization and gives lots of projects on what life was like. For whichever reason he decided that he wants to make Zen garden. I told him to make a list of supplies. He wrote it up and checked off the ones we had. I had very little desire to shlep to another store, so I kept thinking that we will go in the afternoon, maybe later, maybe tomorrow... then I asked him whether he can find those supplies in our backyard. So he and 2 yo went out looking for moss and rocks. I gave him a bowl and soon enough, he came back with it full. Then he gathered everything else and spent some time building his Zen garden. After he made one, he made another one for 2 yo. Once 6 yo finished tantruming, they went to make another one, this one in a plate. Over the course of the day, I accumulated 4 Zen garden. I should be totally at peace now.

The final schoolwork for 8 yo toady was Chmuash. He was nervous, as we have not done Vayeira in months. However, he recalled exactly where we were in the story. I decided to finish the perek quickly, same way we did megillah, with him reading and then translating parts that he knew and me supplying unknown words. we did four pesukim and he asked classical Rashi on why Lot did was afraid to live in Tzoar, didn't he ask to go there?

6 yo discovered that we're almost done with Hebrew handwriting book, only one more letter ( ayin). However, there was one more hurdle: Yesh Lanu Lama. He had to match numbers and write their names in Hebrew. He knows all of them in Hebrew. But instead of writing, there was another tantrum. I felt like an overinflated balloon by this point. After 40 minutes of drama, he finally wrote them.

I was told that he would not tantrum like that for others. Well, he tantrums in gymnastics. I was told that he has to learn to suck it up and just do it. I was told that he would not tantrum like this in school. I think I would just be getting a whole lotta phone calls about his behavior. Or he would behave well in school and save up all anger and frustration for home.

Before gymnastics the boys watched a Nova documentary about elements, it was recommended by 8 yo's co-op teacher. Afterwards, 2 yo was walking around suggesting we make dynamite.

Why do I homeschool? Because, at the end of the day, I have a feeling that my kids will turn out all right. I did not have this feeling when 8 yo was in school. I think seeing the whole kid instead of a sliver helps in gaining perspective. Nobody marries a person saying: "I love you, but only if you stay away for 8 hours every day, otherwise, you are too much." That would be ridiculous! So I am discovering that it is easier to love the whole kid and not just the achieving/well-behaving part.