Conflict of interest

I signed up for a drawing class with 11 yo. We signed up together because he expressed a rare interest in doing something outside of his comfort zone. I signed up because I have been waiting my whole entire life to take art classes. First it was not for me, then how would I make a living like that, because artists are starving... then I could not afford the supply fee that accompanied art classes in college and then there was no time and no money and no place to take them. And finally, finally I live within a short distance of an art center and they offer a glorious selection of multimedia classes. I took an evening class in acrylics followed by watercolor. It quickly became evident that I need to get the basics of drawing down first. When I was looking at the selection, trying to avoid Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays, I saw a mid-morning class. I asked 11 yo whether I can leave him at the house to take that class or whether he wanted to take it with me. He wanted to sign up, and I dared not breathe from happiness. I imagined us drawing together, learning side-by-side.

Now, these classes are my outlet, both for creativity and as a chance to experience "flow", get swallowed by an activity, let the time pass unnoticed. I so rarely experience flow that I forget how I need it. Blogging took a hit because with teens I am up and talking and dealing with them late into the evening. If I want to do anything immersive, I need it on the calendar and away from home. I am not aspiring to produce the next work of art, but I am treating this time as a therapy of sorts. And I really, really need it.

Every class comes with a supply list. We printed it out and hit Hobby Lobby. marveling at the materials. 11 yo seemed intrigued. When we attended the first class, everyone was asked to disclose their level of training and what they were planning on getting out of the class. Everyone was older than me by at least a decade. Three people were retired. I think it was a confidence boost to hear that everyone was a beginner. 11 yo jumped in, but I saw that he was not exactly taking all the creative risks that the teacher recommended. Then we sketched at home. He seemed excited to practice what he has learned.

11 yo sketching out of his own free will

The following week I made a mistake of scheduling an early morning appointment with a psychologist for 11 yo. I can probably write a whole angry megilah about childhood mental health professionals who refuse to help you and think it is perfectly fine to tell it to the child's face. It was a total waste of time, accompanied by lowering of self-esteem for 11 yo. That was not exactly the best way to be going into doing something hard and outside of your comfort zone. And now we were late to class, 40 minutes late. I felt that missing that time from a two-and-a-half hour class that is not graded is not a big deal. I told as much to my son, grumbling about all the time we wasted that morning. But he realized that we were late, and not a little bit late, but ridiculously late, and he started asking to go home. Now I used to be super anally punctual. My old self would probably preferred to go home and hide under the covers too. My new chutzpadik self proclaimed that there is more than enough class time to salvage and I am going in. My son refused. I gave him an option to join me at any point, or to hang out in the library next door. He buried himself in a comic book.

This week, my 2 yo has been sick. I called on my MIL to watch her so I could take 11 yo and myself to the class. She came. 11 yo woke up crabby, declared today to be a bad day and notified me that he quit drawing. I kept cursing the psychologist for the damage he did the previous week because this week my child did not attempt sketching. He probably felt that he fell hopelessly behind, despite my assurances that every class could be free-standing. I used all my calm arguments trying to coax 11 yo to come. He flat out refused. No reasons were given except that he quit and he's not coming. I told him that I expect him just to come and sit in on class, not necessarily draw. On that note, staying calm, I told him that I am starting up the car and I will be waiting for him. he said sadly that I will be waiting for a long time.

I went to the car and sat in there, as promised. The clock was ticking. I'm reading a book on meditation. I have taken yoga. I know about putting yourself in timeout, counting to ten, to a hundred, deciding that it is not that important, not worth the fight, letting go. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe...

But I couldn't. This class was important to ME and I was missing MY class time dealing with my child who declared that he is not coming. I had to psych myself into going, into jumping in, into believing that at the end of eight weeks I will get all the necessary sketching skills under my belt. I had to believe that I am not frustrated suburban housewife dallying in art without any talent and what a waste of time and money anyway! And you are abandoning a sick child!

...I had been so good about not butting heads with 11 yo. I had been flexible, understanding. I dropped a whole lot of academic expectations, just let him be, worked on the relationship, listened to his side, tried to understand what it was like to be him. But now he was at odds with what was best for me. I want so little, and now one thing that was supposed to be purely for me became about HIM.

I stormed back into the house. As promised, he was on the top bunk, hiding in the blankets. I told him firmly that I expect him to come right now! And I do not want to count. And I do not want to punish. And I do not demand much. But he was not coming. I yelled how I hate quitters and people who do not try. He did not respond.

I walked out and drove to my class, late yet again.

Unless you have a difficult child, of the kind of "difficult" where psychologists decide that they will not handle this, you might not understand what day-to-day life feels like. I cannot overpower his will, I cannot punish him, I cannot produce enough consequences to make him do the things that he decides to refuse to do. Moreover, he usually does not have a solid reason why he dug in his heels. I just feel that I made a big mistake with trying to take this class together because this is setting up the ground for a conflict every single week and poisoning one activity that I could have claimed as my own.

gearing up to a change

I'm slowly going through the sunroom, planning out the next school year. I have really fallen off the planning-ahead wagon, and I am desperate to get back on. I want to have achievable goals for what I am trying to accomplish with 10 yo.

I want to work on his grammar and writing. I am not worried about spelling as I think that will catch up with writing. I want to make sure that he gets math concepts. I want to finish Rosetta Stone. I want to focus a bit more on Hebrew grammar. I want to challenge him in geography and science. I want to increase the amount of daily pesukim in Chumash to five and finish Breishit, maybe even do a chunk of Shemot and move away from using nekudot in Rashi.

What I am realizing, sadly, is that how many of these goals are achievable, but I have not been pursuing them because they required my focus. The whole past year, all my focus has been on 8 yo and the baby, probably in that order. All the projects, ideas, objectives that I set out were thoroughly diverted. Many were not undertaken because I knew that 8 yo would never go along with them. Many were not undertaken because trying to get 8 yo to do any of his work could take any length of time. I was terrorized not knowing whether I will just need to sit down with him for 5 minutes and complete something, or whether he will throw an epic tantrum, follow me around, have tearful conversations full of hugs and then, hours later, we will be done. He would be reenergized and I was completely emotionally and physically exhausted.

While I still feel not very settled and calm about sending him to school, I feel much better realizing that now I have freedom to educate my other child in the way that he deserves to be taught. We had a conversation about starting back with Chumash. He was not very happy about the idea, but I insisted. He was grouchy and dramatically threw himself on the couch. I said that we will just find the place where we left off, and we will not do any Rashis today. He found the spot (we did not do Chumash for probably close to two months) and read it like he learned it yesterday. I saw that he was starting to get into his learning, so I left him with a few points dangling. Then we discussed when we will start official school year.

After this whole exchange I thought how normal it was: he voiced his opinion and preference, I stated my preference, he went along with what I suggested, implicitly trusting my judgement and I was careful not to exploit the situation. I got so used to constant explosions from 8 yo that I stopped having normal conversations with 10 yo, shouting commands instead or just giving up.

As I am going through different supplies and teaching aids that I made over the years, I am boxing many of them up. I am saving them for the day when 4 yo gets a bit older. She is easy to reason with, and she is eager to learn and eager to try new things. Perhaps she will appreciate all the different things that I collected, printed out, laminated. I feel a huge gap between what 10 yo knows and what 8 yo knows. I feel sad that despite all my efforts and different plans, I was not able to design a method which satisfied us both. But I am also looking forward to spending enjoyable time learning with my other kids.

singing chumash

Today we hit a roadblock with 7 yo regarding chumash. We are at 16th pasuk, the one where Paro gives Avram gifts because of Sarai. I tried memorizing trop for it yesterday, but I found myself getting tripped up by the sheer bounty. I was holding the baby and standing up, so I could not look in the chumash as I was reciting it for 7 yo. After accidentally making mistakes twice, I realized that I can "make mistakes" on purpose and ask him to correct me. Yesterday it worked, but he did not want to read the pasuk the second time.

Today he did the matching shorashim to the words page, but absolutely refused to read the pasuk. He refused all of my offers of reading it together, just listening to me read it, just listening to baal koreh, etc. He was adamant that he is not reading this pasuk, it is too hard, the usual "I can't attitude" and sulking in his room. At some point I even asked him to go jump on the trampoline to calm down, but he would not do it. After some self-imposed time in his room, he came out and apologized to me for behaving like that, but he still was set on skipping this pasuk. He was still not ready to listen to any suggestions. I sort of said that I am not sure whether his behavior changed, and whether he is sorry for the way he is behaving.

Some more time passed. I saw him go outside as I was putting the baby for a nap. Then I was planning to talk to him, and see if there is any change. He was coming to me, carrying a cucumber-eating beetle in a ziploc. (I have a deal with the kids: I will pay them 10 cents for catching the bugs off our garden, as it is the only way to salvage any harvest at this point). It reminded me of a cat bringing a mouse offering to appease its master. I sat him down, one-on-one, bug in hand, in  a lawn chair outside and we talked a bit more. He was calm outside. He said that he FEELS he cannot do this pasuk properly and there is no use in trying. I said that he does not HAVE to say it properly, and we can just do the first part today. He reluctantly accepted it. I asked him to bring outside any chumash that he wanted and we'll work on it. He brought Bright Beginnings. I asked him about the first word "uleAvram"( and to Avram), he read it, then the next one "hetiv" ( he did good) and then I helped him with "baavurah" ( because of her). I was planning on stopping there, but he did the next two: "vaiehi lo" ( and he had) and then said that he does not know the rest. Now I know that tzon uvakar (sheep and cattle) come together, so I sang out "baa v moo" in trop and he laughed. I asked him whether he knew what is cattle and we talked about cows a bit. He repeated "baa v moo" in a sing-song trop after me, and then substituted with "tzon u vakar" The next word was "vechamorim"( male donkeys). He said it should be "hee-haw (pause) male". I sang just that in trop and then added baa v moo. He laughed again, and first said it all in animal sounds, and then in Hebrew.

We worked our way through the rest of the pasuk. For avadim (slaves), he let out a sigh, for shfahot (maidservants) he clasped his hands near his cheek. I made sure that he knew that the translation "maids" does not mean "maidens", but he stuck with a flirtatious pose. Atonot (female donkeys) were, naturally, "hee-haw ( pause) female" and g'malim (camels) required an arched back. He was able to read the entire pasuk in the end, with quite a bit of trop and with all the necessary sounds and motions. At the end, I bravely asked him to tell me in Hebrew the names of all different animals and he could do it!

Sometimes we need to use brute force. Sometimes we need to back off. And sometimes we need every trick in the bag to make learning happen. I had to make sure 7yo felt heard and expressed his fear about a hard pasuk. I had to wait for the fear to pass. I had to change venue and work outside. I had to employ trop and translation. I had to let him lead the way in silliness and feel that he "owned" his learning. I had to let go of my idea that reviewing a pasuk will take five minutes on a couch.

Is giving in worthwhile?

Two moments from this Purim.

We were supposed to make groggers, We were supposed to make them from the beginning of Adar. 6 yo asked to make groggers. When we got to the specifics, he wanted his to be wooden, with a gear inside around which the rest of the grogger turns. Well, we do not have any like that. I even Googled it, and it required power tools whose names I did not know, let alone how to use them. I kept hoping to make it to Michael's and see if they, by any chance, sell wooden gears, but it never happened. We were in the middle of making a paper towel roll grogger, when 8 yo said that we need to poke it with toothpicks and make it like a rain-stick. 6 yo listened to his brother, it did not work, the toothpicks fell out, and now the paper towel rolls was pockmarked with holes. I tried taping up the ends, but this was not satisfactory. Bottom line, I assumed that we will survive without groggers.

I was proven wrong on Shabbos, when 6 yo innocently announced that he does not want to go to a megillah reading because he does not have a grogger. Oops.. and we cannot make one on Shabbos. He was willing to stay home. I was planning on splitting up the kids with my husband, especially since they all decided to have a sleepover in 3 yo's room on Friday night and all were woken up at 5:30, so the chances of everyone being human by 7:30 pm were slim to none. Except that my husband got called in to a delivery around shalishudes time, which meant that if I wanted to hear a megillah, I have to make it to shul by 7:30, with all three kids in tow, and keep them quiet. That is hard to do when two of them are on men's side. And one of them was quite clear that coming to a megillah without a grogger is unacceptable.

Shabbos was over at 7:10. I grabbed three plastic cups, dumped some kidney beans in each, told boys to grab scissors, and traced three circles for the openings. I told the boys to cut theirs out, while I was cutting 3 yo's. By now I know better than not to make something for her when the boys are doing a project. Then I grabbed packing tape and taped the circles on the cups' openings. Most creative grogger ever? I don't think so. More like quickest grogger assembly.

We got to the megillah reading just in the nick of time, huffing and puffing. And I was so pleased to see that some of the kids' friends had very similar groggers (two cups taped together)! The boys sat quietly, and gleefully shook at Haman, 3 yo bounced between my lap and the floor space, and also shook while everyone booed.

In the morning, we went to a megillah reading after shacharit. Since parking can be an issue, we decided to go all together early enough for my husband to daven. This meant that there was a good 40 minute davening before we got the the megillah. This time I only had 3 yo to watch. I did get to daven, but she was getting a bit restless. I showed her Torah, pulled out her books, gave her a few little toys. All was going well till the actual megillah time. I was holding a Youth Megillah, the one she barely glanced at the night before. As soon as the reading started, she decided that she HAS to hold it and look at it now. I could not talk, so I was trying to give her another book, or somehow indicate that mommy needs this book. She was starting to get whiny and that whine was about to escalate into a scream. But I needed a text to follow... suddenly I remembered that I had a Laffy Taffy in my purse from the carnival the week before. I quickly gave her the candy, hoping to distract her temporarily. She asked me to open the wrapper. I slowly unwrapped it, still thinking where can I get the text to follow. She got busy with the candy, and I had fifteen seconds, during which I spied a megillah in the next pew. Yes, I fed my child candy at 9 am. But I was able to reach for that megillah and give up the decorated one, and there was no screaming and interrupting everyone else.

I used to think that both of these moments would show me to be a weak mother. A 6 yo should understand that not making a grogger beforehand will result in no grogger on Purim. A 3 yo should understand that now Mommy needs this book. But then I am thinking about the conflict that would create, the tears, the screaming, the disruption, the hurt feelings. Is it more important to be right, or to make the best out of the situation?

There are other times when I can teach my kids the consequences of their (in)actions or the appropriateness of their behavior. But in these circumstances, giving in seemed like the best response.

being in charge

It's two o'clock and we are finished. I think, for today, I got a good balance of "things to do" and "things which will get done without stressing anyone out".

6 yo got up at 8:20, he has a cold and needed extra sleep. After leisurely breakfast, he got dressed and unloaded his share of the dishwasher. He even davened with his sister, unsolicited. By the time he got to his davening, it was 10. His agenda had four items: math, Lama, Lashon haTorah and spelling. Yet here, we are, at 2, and he is done, even though he got time to play outside and eat lunch and read.

Yesterday, we had a siyum for Chayei Sorah that 8 yo finished. He got really motivated towards the end, seeing that it is all genealogy and easy reading. Last day, he did about 7 pesukim, just to finish up. For his wrap-up project, we wrote up a family tree of Terach's family. We went all the way back to the end of Noach, found Rivka's blood line, and included Yishmael's children along with all Keturah's sons. I feel like I want to frame it, it is so complex. He also added in Yakov and shvatim. I said that we will add Eisav's and shvatim's kids when we learn them. So we went to Menchie's yesterday, to celebrate. I remarked to my husband how we did a whole parsha in just a few months, and we will probably finish another one by the end of the year. Since we are going at our own pace, it does not seem rushed, just the speed we are moving along at.

Today 6 yo finished his first Lashon haTorah workbook. I will be ordering the second one.

One of the issues I grapple with again and again is how much pressure should be coming from me as opposed to internal motivation of the child. We have been slowly adding more brachot in Shemone Esre with 8 yo. Right now, I let him daven quietly everything till Shemone Esre, and then he says it out loud with me. We are up to Judgement ( din). He read it over in Hebrew and got the basic idea, but I knew that he did not know all the words. He has not been eager to lean the meanings of all the words. Incidentally, Artscroll was having a sale and had a book on Shemone Esre, explaining each bracha. I ordered it and figured that it will help. 8 yo glanced at it, but has not opened it. This morning, I decided to pull it out and show him the bracha and read a little insight. He had no interest, in fact, he said that I am taking away his kavana ( intention). I asked, why? He said that the book is very long and intimidating. I immediately closed the book, bookmarking the page of the bracha and put it away. We ended up talking a bit as to why this bracha comes after the ingathering of exiles and the true justice of G-d. Obviously, while the subject might be interesting to him, the timing is not right. The book  and the bookmark will stay, but I will leave it to his discretion whether to open it or not.

Along the same lines, some days it takes 6 yo hours and hours to finish one or two pages of work. Sometimes he is distracted. Sometimes he does not feel like working. Sometimes I wish he would just get up and say that he will do it later. But most times, I discover that the reason is quite different. Usually it is some assignment, way later on the list, that he is dreading, so he starts stalling early. Usually the dread has nothing to do with difficulty, but with his perception of work. For example, we were supposed to complete a page of questions and answers about Lama. He read the story fluently and translated without a hitch, so I knew that he knew the vocabulary. When we opened to the page, he dissolved into a tantrum. Once he was able to talk ( half an hour later), he said that they expect him to write everything perfectly. Ok, the lines are small (this is a second grade workbook and he is not a comfortable writer), but never did I ask him for perfection. I offered to split the writing, and he agreed. Then I suggested using a ruled piece of paper for the answers, so he would not be constricted by small lines. That was also fine. Then we hit a wall. The practice was for the verb "open", and the choices were "poteach/potachat/potchim/potchot". As long as the picture had a boy, the questions "mi poteach" was fine, but as soon as the picture was that of a girl, he could not understand what they want from him, and why is the question still in masculine. All of my explanation that the questioner does not know the gender or the amount of people performing the action fell on deaf ears. He could not deal with it, and dissolved into tears. I closed the book for the day.

Today we went back to the same page (after skipping a day). He was ready to accept the explanation and polished it off very quickly, writing in half the answers (on small lines) and giving me the other half orally for me to write in.

What would happen to this kid in a classroom? Which teacher would have the patience to recognize that the tantrums have nothing to do with misbehavior but with the pain of reality not conforming to expectations? How often do we, grown-ups, completely lose it when reality bites? When that person takes too long to make a left turn and then we have to wait for the next light? When somebody makes a promise and then does not keep it? When we want it to be Sunday, but it is Monday?

I wonder whether I really should let 6 yo be, instead of enforcing more and more schoolwork. This is not about ability, but this is about sanity, both for him and for me.

Two days: a comparison

Yesterday was a marvelous day and today was a total disaster.

Let me start with yesterday. It was Sunday. My husband was not on call. He took 6 yo out to get him his special yellow belt gift, which was really a ruse for them to spend some time together. And yes, this guy got his yellow belt before his brother. I am strongly pro tae kwon do at this point for self-control.

We were planning to go to the Gem and Mineral Show. Both boys were up and dressed early. They ate breakfast quickly, unloaded the dishwasher and davened. 8 yo had his drum lesson and we got a good report from the teacher on his progress. Then, before we drove to the show, 8 yo folded and put away his laundry. The time was 10:15 am, and two chores were done!

My husband and 6 yo were planning to meet us at the show, so we drove there and wandered around a bit. 8 yo was very good about looking around and not touching without permission. He marveled at the fossils, recognized some minerals, watched the fluorescent rocks. He asked how a faceting machine works and got a personal demonstration. At another table, he was shown how grams are converted into carats and the price of a jewel is calculated. 2 yo had much harder time, first with not being able to see the high displays and then with not touching. I got both boys a mystery bag to add to their rock collection.

Then we all drove to the park where the kids played. 8 yo took turns giving and getting rides on a spin ride, 6 yo ran with some other boys pretending to be Spiderman with his new soaker glove and 2 yo found a girl to play with and to follow around. My husband pushed her on a swing for a bit. I got to sit back and relax. At some point, 8 yo walked over and told me about how he feels that the day is going just right and feels so perfect. That was encompassing my feeling in its entirety.

As we drove back, 8 yo was plotting on how to build his club house in the backyard. His plans included a shelf for games, a tent cover, bushes for infrastructure and for benches. He even asked me to turn the music off so that he could think. When we got home, he went right to it.

My husband got some sand and we filled up the punching bag base that I scored for free from boys' tae kwon do. Then it was dinnertime (falafel and ice cream), followed by showers and bed time. I was leaving to a fundraiser, so I just kissed boys on the way out the door and got a little speech from 6 yo about how kisses are good both for kids and grown-ups.

Today was miserable. We got up late, then we ended up rushing to go to a friend's house to play since there was supposed to be an art lesson for our 8 yer olds. We were rushing because I wanted to give them time to play before the class. The class was cancelled, but the kids did play. We got home around lunchtime. The boys went to the backyard while I was warming up lunch and writing the schedule. There was slow eating, resistance from 2 yo to taking a nap and then stalling before getting started on formal schoolwork. 6 yo wrote up Lashon HaTorah and then threw a major fit when I asked him to read what he wrote. Meanwhile 8 yo started on math, but he was working very slowly and sloppily, skipped some pages, got some problems wrong and did not memorize the table of threes like he was supposed to. Then 6 yo started on math and did that quickly. 8 yo moved on to spelling without bringing over any of the supplies or writing the date. 6 yo brought over Lama, decided that it was easy, but took forever to write his answers. 8 yo finally completed spelling, accused me of giving him the words that do not follow the rule and stomped and fumed. 6 yo moved on to his spelling where he got two of the review words wrong. I did not want to give him more words to study, so I told him just to study those two. Another major fit. 8 yo was ready for Lashon Hatorah, but the page was not to his liking. He expressed all his feelings about it. By now the time was 3:45 and I was done. 2 yo woke up from her nap, and I still had errands to run. I wrote up the chumash assignment for 8 yo, and told both boys that they will be completing their schoolwork later, on their own time.

8 yo told me later that he was all done, which elicited another fit from 6 yo who had literally two lines of work left. Turns out that 8 yo lied and did not do his work... and there was a water bottle spilled all over the car, and there was fighting over music or over silence, and over the granola bars and the car door was slammed without the light being turned off, and the wrappers were not in the garbage and it was all my fault!

By the time we got home, around 7 pm, I was tearing my hair out. I ordered everyone in pajamas and actually threatened not serving dinner. The boys did get pajamas on and sat on the couch, reading for a bit. I reheated the leftovers. After dinner, 8 yo lied, this time about brushing his teeth. Considering that we still have a dentist's bill from his previous three cavities, I do not find this to be a trivial matter. 6 yo decided that now is the time to go look for yet another stuffed animal to sleep with. Now I had three kids to tuck in by myself.

Did I mention that my husband is on call tonight?

So what went right yesterday and wrong today?

Now that I have cooled off myself and can think clearly, here are a few things:

• two adults vs. one adult
• split up kids, especially the temperamental 6 yo vs. having all three feed off each other's tantrums
• clearly spelled-out expectations for the day vs. flying by the seat of our pants
• more time to get things done vs. rushing to keep within certain time frames
• no written-up schoolwork vs. a formal list of assignments
• pleasant and expected activities (drumming, show, park) vs. drudgery (spelling, chumash, lashon hatorah)
• low-pressure weekend vs. high-pressure weekday
• day spent mostly outdoors vs. day spent mostly indoors
• feeding off a positive feeling that the day is going well and will keep on getting better vs. a yucky feeling that the day is bad and cannot be spoiled any further with more horribleness
• looking forward to a grown-up activity, alone vs. knowing that there is no end in sight (those leftovers are still waiting to be cleaned up...)

What can I take away from all of this, or, how can tomorrow be better?

For starters, tomorrow we do not have anything scheduled and I will keep it that way. Then, my husband should hopefully be home for dinner and bedtime, so I can try to see myself as being off-duty at that point. I can split the kids up between upstairs and downstairs. I will write up a clear list of schoolwork for the day, with pages and expectations. I will also promise park time in the afternoon if all the schoolwork is completed early. Finally, if the day is not going smoothly, and we are just butting heads, I will put myself in timeout, remember to breathe ( or have a drink), or call it quits rather than escalate the tension further. And I will try to get out of the house alone, even if it means sitting in Starbucks for 20 minutes because I cannot come up with any better plan.

We all have days like these...

choices

8yo's threat of the day: you know what happened to American colonies when they did not have any choices!

The boys had a wonderful sleepover at grandma's house. 2 yo enjoyed being the only child. I took her to the zoo, by herself. She told me which animals she wanted to see and, for once, her wishes were honored. She even bravely patted the goats. In the evening, she kept alternating between asking my husband and I to do things for her: bathe her, carry her to bed, put on pajamas, clip her nails, tuck her in.

In the morning, I ran some errands with her and then picked up the boys. My MIL sent a plate of Russian donuts (sirniki), which made a delicious lunch. After lunch I tried to get boys to do some schoolwork before we had to leave to tae kwon do. That's when the trouble started.

I decided to stick with the blocks approach, so I wrote few things down. 6 yo picked history of China. I read the next chapter from Story of the World. 8 yo came over to listen. We pulled out a map to see where the early Chinese lived: between Yellow and Yangzee rivers. 6 yo identified China on an unmarked map and found approximately the area of the rivers. Then I discovered that the boys stuck a bunch of flags on the map, and on the wrong countries, so now they were resticking them into correct places.

They saw a video on the list, and asked for it. It was this: Yogati veLoMatzati. I thought for a while that they need some reinforcement that hard work always pays off, and it introduces them to a saying from the Gemara at the same time. (And I thank Chabad profusely for producing something so appealing and so important.) They watched it, 8 yo said that it is not making him feel any better, but I saw that it made him think. I am trying to figure out how to download the song so that we can listen to it in the car.

Then I asked boys to pick the next item off their list while I cleaned up the next mess 2 yo made. 8 yo threw a fit. He said that there is nothing on the list he wants to do, why does 6 yo get to do history and he only gets boring things. He will not do anything. I cannot make him. He said he does not have good choices and then used the line about colonies (I do not have to worry whether he knows and understands history!) By this point my patience was running paper-thin. I told both boys to get started on math. 6 yo got his binder and got to work. Overall, I find that they do not find throwing fits at the same time advantageous. One of them wants to remain on mommy's good side, and he decided that it's his turn. 8 yo sulked and kicked and slammed things. I said, very calmly now, that tae kwon do is at 3:30 and if the work is not done by then, we are not going. I also said that if this kind of behavior will continue, he can come, but he will have to sit out.

He calmed down enough to do his work. I went to battle 2 yo down for her nap: she does not like when I leave the room, so no matter how many cuddles I give her, as soon as she senses that I am going, she does a death grip on my neck and starts yelling. I usually have to leave and shut the door. Attachment parents, call the police! She calms down after a few minutes and takes a nap, but it does leave me even more on edge.

I looked more closely at the work that 8yo is struggling with and printed out 1st grade basic addition review. I hope that he will refresh his facts, feel good about completing so many pages, and will be able to continue. There is a dichotomy between how quickly he grasps the concepts and how slowly he commits to memory anything that requires effort. Back to " I tried and I did not succeed..."

6yo asked to take a nap, he complained that he is tired. I tucked him in. He popped out fifteen minutes later: "Mommy, I have a Torah question: what if the people did not understand what Noach was saying and that's why they did not get on the ark?" Quiet and solitude produce deep thoughts.

He was happy to finish his work (reviewing Lama). He speedily read and translated one page, crumpled about doing the second, agreed to do it only if he reads everything first and translates later, speedily read the second and translated it without asking for help. We finished 12th chapter. He seems to remember his reading and vocabulary. I am hoping that this is a confidence-builder here.

8 yo finished math and started on journaling; more dinosaurs and prehistoric creature facts. He said that he got to the second chapter. I stopped him to do spelling and chumash. He said he hates them both. Then he showed me how he spelled "were" correctly in his journal, I mentioned again "I tried, and I succeeded" and he said he likes spelling. He liked spelling even more after he got all his review words right. Then he did not like spelling so much when some of the new words came out wrong. The emotions change like clouds in the sky.

Then we tried squeezing in Chumash before tae kwon do and that was a complete disaster. He did not remember the words from last time, then he turned accusatory, that I am making him do all this hard work. Ugh... the fun things parents farm out to teachers.

We barely made it to tae kwon do. 6 yo decided to sit out today, and I was so frazzled that I did not pursue the reasons why. 8 yo did great, got another notch on his belt, for achieving kicks, and was shining like a new penny. When we got back, he completed the chumash, unloaded the dishwasher, and went to play Pokemon cards with his brother.

Looking at the day now, with hindsight, I think the boys probably did not get enough sleep and that's the reason behind crankiness/sleepiness. Kick myself for the umpteenth time: no productive school takes place on such days. I made a bad choice trying to pursue my new theory, and 8 yo made a bad choice by not listening to me. Nobody won.