choices

I could have peeled those eight potatoes in five minutes. But 7 yo and 3 yo were in charge of getting me the potatoes, and then they wanted to make a train of the potatoes to wash, like a car wash, and then 7 yo wanted to peel them on his own. He did, and 3 yo peeled one, too. It took them half an hour, but their look of accomplishment was worth it.


I could have assigned all different activities to 9 yo to fill up the afternoon, but I didn't. Instead, he opened up a map, commandeered 7 yo bring up Monopoly money, and wrote up an elaborate chart for playing some sort of world property game. Moreover, he had to make up rules which would satisfy his brother, so that he would be inclined to play with him. They did some fine negotiating, figuring out what's fair, and what will work and keep everyone satisfied.

I could have pushed Rosh HaShana worksheets, but instead I downloaded a Rosh HaShana shiur and we listened to it in the car on the way to and from taekwondo. I did it for myself, but I saw that the boys were listening, too. We had a small discussion during it about the pesukim surrounding Hashem remembering Noach, and also about remembering manna in the desert.

My cleaning people are not coming in tomorrow, so I could spend the day scrubbing the house, or I can rope in the kids, and let them do an imperfect job. Even when it feels that there isn't a choice, and we are cornered in, there usually is an alternative solution. The trick is to trust yourself to let go of preconceived notion of how things are supposed to be.

spontaneous learning

I was on an organizing kick, which led to a huge mess on the floor. I was pulling out all the books that the boys are not using from their cubbies. One of them was Yahadus textbook I got at the conference last year. It was browsed here and there, but it could be on a general reference shelf, not taking up space in a crowded cubby of 9 yo.

As I am trying to get to the computer tonight, I almost trip over 7 yo reading this Yahadus book. I am rubbing hands internally: see, I just need to leave it out, and they will come! Then he looks up and says, with those earnest eyes of his: "Mommy, tomorrow I want to learn about mitzvos. Can you teach me about mitzvos?" I say, sure, and sit down to write it down for tomorrow's to-do list, lest I forget. Then he asks me to read to him a story tale in Russian, and translate as I'm reading. Then 9 yo compares it to an English story tale that he knows.

Meanwhile, 7 yo asks if we can learn just one mitzvah tonight. I say, sure, and we sit down on the couch.(My husband is conveniently home, so he whisks away a fuzzy baby. 3 yo is doing her own thing, so 7 yo has my undivided attention). He read the first mitzvah. I got him to read some of the Hebrew. Then we discussed the difference between positive and negative commandments. There was a blurb on the side telling that some of 13 Principles of Rambam are based on these mitzvos. The whole book is following Mishna Torah format. I got excited and showed 7 yo in the siddur where the 13 Principles are found. I said that they start with Ani Maamin ( I believe). He started singing the one about Mashiach from 3 yo's singing siddur. I showed him where that principle fits, and read the first four. Then I flipped to Yigdal, and read the translations of the first four ideas there. I told he that by saying Yigdal, he is fulfilling these mitzvos. He said that he did not realize that. He actually felt good, since he had this idea of acting out (performing?) the mitzvos that we learn and I could tell that he was not sure how to perform knowing that there is a G-d.

I get asked all the time what curriculum I use for Judaics. When I leave things vague, or fumble for an answer, the assumption is that we have no idea what we are doing, since there is no script, and, consequently, my kids are lacking in knowledge. Yet how could I script a moment like this? How could I script the desire within 7 yo on this particular night to learn about mitzvos, and that it would carry over to the siddur and to imbue the familiar prayers with a new glow of meaning? As much time as I spend defending homeschooling, I spend even more time quaking in my boots and freaking out that my kids will not know some essential. All it takes is a pleasant interaction like this, the genuine quest for knowledge, and I am assured of the path that we find ourselves on.

pacifiers and nursing

This is for you, mommas, the ones who are agonizing over whether to give your screaming baby a paci, nurse yet again, or walk/rock/run out screaming.

I have fours kids. I have nursed all four. The three older ones all weaned on their own, at about a year. So the nursing went well. Out of four, three took pacifiers. I remember feeling guilty about giving it to my oldest, worrying about nipple confusion, decreasing milk supply, inability to self-soothe and baby's dependence on paci. At the end, between being sleep-deprived, having to go back to work for a month and having a baby who was clearly soothed by a paci, I settled on giving it to him for naps only. I took it away around 6 months, and he did not miss it. In fact, when he was around 9 months old and found one of his old pacifiers lying around, he played with it and then stuck it in his mouth the wrong way! He clearly had no recollection what this object was for.

7 yo did not take a paci, and not for the lack of trying on my part. He just yelled and yelled, and did not sleep. After trying three different kinds, we gave up. He was a quick nurser, too, so it's not like he preferred breast over paci, he was just no interested in the whole thing. Interestingly, he was the kid who took the longest to stop putting things in his mouth. He still will chew on random things occasionally, because he likes it.

3 yo got paci for naps, as her older brother did. With her, I was in no hurry to take it away, but around a year or so, when I was putting her for a nap, I decided to see what happens. I put her down, covered her with her blankie. She said: "Paci?" I said: "No paci" in a calm tone. She said: "OK" and settled down for a nap. I could not believe it! Wasn't she supposed to throw a fit or at least ask about it again? And that was the end of her paci use.

The baby is 6 months old, and is nursing exclusively, except for occasional food tastes that he grabs from me. He also takes paci just for sleeping. I tried Soothie brand with him, as that's what hospital provided, and I heard that other kids like those more, but, just as his siblings, he preferred Gerber's Nuk. I am in no rush to take his paci away, either.

I know that some moms like to give the baby their finger to suck on, and I would do that in an emergency, as in, when there is no paci in sight. However, the obvious problem is that your finger is attached to you, and cannot be placed in a crib or carseat with a baby. It also might not always be at its cleanest...

Go ahead, give that pacifier to your baby. And get some sleep

pre-Rosh haShana party

lining the tins for the muffins

By the time I got up this morning, 9 yo greeted me being fully dressed, davened and breakfasted. He even served his sister breakfast. Moreover, he completed his math and script, and left them for me to check. This was all before 7 am, so I was barely keeping my eyes open. When a day starts like this, he is in a good mood, I am pleasantly surprised, and it will be good.

He very agreeably did chumash and even asked Rashi's question on how come the ark did not get stuck on the mountains if it was 30 amos high, and the waters were only 15 amos deep. I just like when he engages with the text like this, in a meaningful way. He was also all revved up ready for his mishna lesson, which went well.

The other kids were not too bad, either. 7 yo got his breakfast, davened and did HWT and math early in the morning. He has addition/subtraction review. For the first time, he looked at the page, saw an overwhelming problem, and listened to my suggestion to skip it and do easy ones first. When he came back to it, it was easy. Then he decided to check which problem had the largest number as its answer. I used to think these were distracting and pointless exercises, but now I know that's the way he relates to math. I read somewhere about other kids doing similar things: wondering why they are adding apples and bananas, asking where the people in the problem are walking, etc. For him, it is about searching some kind of info that is not obvious to me.

chopping walnuts

While 9 yo was doing mishna, we did chumash with 7 yo. He started on a new perek, which he declared to be easy. He loves memorizing the pesukim with trop, and he knows his translations. With him, it is about building confidence, so I am not looking for a lot of in-depth work, just desire to continue learning chumash and feeling that it is accessible to him, something that he is capable of doing.

For 3 yo, I sliced an apple horizontally across and she made apple stamps. We talked about an apple before I sliced it; I asked her what shape it is, which color, whether it is smooth or rough, hard or soft. I told her about the stem and how it grew from an apple tree. She stamped away for a bit.

Then it was 11:30 and we were finished with the planned part of the day (until taekwondo). The anxious side of me felt the need to assign something else, come up with a plan, DO SOMETHING. I suggested going out after lunch and was met with resistance.I wanted to get out of the house, walk outside, go to the park, the museum, somewhere. The kids (except for 3 yo) were not so keen on this. Finally it was after lunch, (which 9 yo skipped since he played computer games and repeatedly ignored calls for food), I said that if they do not want to do anything, I can go to IKEA. Next thing I knew, we were in the middle of planning a "dip your apple in the honey" party. It was to take place this afternoon, in an hour, and would I make some phone calls to invite some friends? The planner in me was blown to shambles. Of course, nobody will come, and who plans a party just like that? The homeschool parent wanted to see how far they will go with this. They came up with apple toss: throw an apple into a hole in the board, draw a picture, have a dipped apple slice. I suggested making a Shana Tova card, blowing a shofar and baking a honey cake. 9 yo added watching Rosh HaShana videos.

honey dipping

Nobody came, but the kids were adamant about the party being today. We made chocolate honey muffins. The boys pulled out the ingredients. 9 yo stirred chocolate and margarine while they melted. 7 yo cracked the eggs. Then we watched the videos: Fountainheads, Maccabeats and Aish's Anthem. Everyone had a go at the shofar. I found a new instructional video and 9 yo actually managed to blow! Last year, he could not do it, so he kept at it. 7 yo decided to make an apple out of Legos. Then everyone came to have apples with honey and muffins.

Then there was taekwondo. When I dropped the boys off, 3 yo said that we should go to the park to meet some friends. The funny part it, one of my homeschooling friends posted just this week how her son declared that they should go walking to make friends, and they did. I guess those homeschool kids know when they are ready to socialize.

All in all, I think how it is easy to measure learning just in terms of the academics we did this morning as opposed to the life skill learning the kids did this afternoon. How many people would plan and pull off a party just because they feel like it today?

making a day great

Lately we've been having bad days. Not just a little blech, but, really bad. no good, rotten days. My husband had been on call, the baby insists on being held most of his waking time, the older kids have been cranky and I have been quite moody. Everything was setting me off, and there were many objective things, but I know that a lot of them were more trigger points.

Last night, as I was tucking in 9 yo, I whispered to him that tomorrow will be a great day. He looked at me, and did not believe me. He wanted to know what am I going to do to make it great. I said that I just know it will be great and we left it at that.

This morning, the baby woke up early, before 7. Nevertheless, by the time I brought him out, I saw that 9 yo was dressed and in the middle of davening. I made berry muffins for breakfast that he likes. While they were baking, he finished writing out the mishnayot summary that his mishna rebbi assigned. He did his script practice and math before the other kids even had breakfast. His math was confusing him a bit, but he stuck to it. Then we did chumash. He pleasantly reviewed the pesukim, and even asked me a question or two about the flood. We read new ones, and he did not throw his Rashi avoidance fit. All in all, he was done by 9 am.

In the next hour, he watched a bit of Pokemon and I got to go for a short walk (by myself!) When I got back, the baby was ready to nurse and 7 yo was ready to finish his first perek of Lech Lecha. He kept his word, and we have been doing a pasuk a day lately, with him reading and listening to baal koreh. He has quite a few of them memorized.

9 yo's  mishna rebbi came at 10:15 and they studied till 11. While they were learning, I did HWT with two younger ones. 3 yo is coloring in different shapes and 7 yo practiced copying rhyming words. Then he did his math, a page on even and odd numbers. By 11, he was long done with his work. 9 yo got a homework assignment to record himself reciting and translating mishnayot. He was also told that the next time they have a class, he will get the dimensions to build the smallest kosher succah.

I packed up lunch and told the kids we are heading out either to IKEA ( we lost three glasses a few weeks ago) or to aquarium. 7 yo decided this is ripe time to throw a fit about how he does not want to go to either place. I tried staying calm. I sent the other kids to the car. I tried talking to him about why he does not want to go. Finally, I said that I cannot leave him home alone and he has to come along. Sure enough, as soon as we started driving, eh calmed down and he had a good time there. I just felt getting drained.

At the aquarium, we saw the tropical fish first. Even the baby watched intently. He reminds me s much of his older brother, also very serious and studying things from a distance. I doubt he will be the kid rushing into things. Then we had lunch and I discovered that I left a bag of pretzels at home. 9 yo pointed out that the main is missing. Oh well...

Then we saw the ocean exhibit. They love the tunnel with the moving sidewalk and the fish swimming above. I love the room with a giant observation window. It is dark in there, and just so peaceful. The boys chatted with the docent about the whale sharks and groupers. WE found out that there are black tip sharks and black tip reef sharks, and that groupers stand still when they are waiting to be cleaned by wrasses. Those groupers parked themselves right by the window, so the boys joked that they should bring toothbrushes next time and help.

When we came out from the exhibit, we saw a sign-up table to test a new app for the aquarium. The reward was a behind the scenes peek at the ocean exhibit. I usually say "no" yo such things, but an inside peek was irresistible, so I signed up. It did not take long, and we got to go to the top of the giant tank and see the whale sharks from above. We actually saw the fins menacingly cutting through the water! Moreover, there was another opportunity for questions.

whale shark fin

We finished the aquarium trip with a visit to a cold water exhibit. 3 yo has a special affinity to anemones, and she just had to touch them. Meanwhile, the penguins have a special affinity for boys' kippas: they will follow them along the wall. 7 yo tormented one penguin by swinging his kippa in circles, and the bird craned its head to follow every movement. By the way, an older lady objected, and he stopped, so the village is alive and well.

tracing the ocean currents

driving penguins batty

I tried getting kids to write Shana Tova cards, but we hit a snag, nobody's heart was in it, so we will attempt again tomorrow. When it came time for dinner, they picked out sweet meatballs and gladly broke into stations to assemble them: 3 and 7 yos rolled them, while 9 yo stirred the sauce, the noddles and the string beans. Everyone was ravenous, and enjoyed dinner. To me, it was a relief, so often one kid starts complaining about food, and just get annoyed, that they will not contribute, yet criticize. We tried having a whole dinner conversation in Hebrew, we just break into it spontaneously sometimes. 7 yo used to freak out about it, but seemed better now. I think he was able to follow more. I did not know how to say "meatballs" or "string beans", and after a while, it was silly to keep saying it in English, so I called them "kadurim basar". 9 yo laughed. By the end of dinner, I pulled out dictionary, and, lo and behold, it IS kadurim basar (literal translation). Then the kids were asking for dessert, and I did not know how to say that, either. 7 yo thought for a second and asked for "hanegba" ( to the desert, the construct that he picked up from Lech Lecha). I thought it was pretty clever.

Overall, this was a good day, maybe not great, but it was nowhere near as bad as our days have been. Was it power of suggestion, or we were just due to have a good one, I do not know, but it feels nice to come out






and survey it and feel good about it.

apathetic village

It takes a village to raise a child.

In general, nobody can do it alone. One needs a support system of some kind, a network of grown-ups willing to look after the well-being of children for everyone's good. It helps when this network is of like-minded people. However, in everyday interactions, we are faced with all kinds of folks, and they might not share the same values, or have the same level of tolerance as we do. Our kids still need to behave in a way that is bearable.

Sometimes I wish that the village was not so laid-back, politically correct and hands-off. Sometimes I wish that when my kids are being too loud in a public place, somebody else would hush them. When they are in a restaurant and they are getting rowdy, let the server tell them that they cannot stay. When they are being rude to an adult, let the adult tell them as much. When they are turning in a half-baked work, let it be rejected instead of being greeted with "Good job!" They will not break from these experiences, but they will find out where the limit of the village is.

Nobody said that the village is kind. Generally, I would like to mind my own kids without others interfering. Yet I wonder, wouldn't being kicked out from a show for being too disruptive teach them more about being quiet than all the hushing I can do?

Oh, I would love to have those kids, the ones with napkins on their laps and indoor voices, always putting their best foot forward. Until I get them, I might need the village to be a bit more vigilant, for my sake.

tzedakah and unschooling

while the boys were doing HWT and math,
3 yo made a "telescope"

Lots of learning took place today. We had a trip to a history museum with homeschooling friends, where there was a workshop geared towards 3 yo. The boys did HWT, math and Chumash (7 yo knew yesterday's pasuk cold, and confidently read today's pasuk, all in under ten minutes). We went to taekwondo. But the most amazing learning was done by kids' initiative.

coal-burning locomotive

Today was unseasonably cold and windy. When we got back from the trip, all the kids got plastic bags and string and made "kites": they tied the string to the handles and tried flying them on the front lawn. Then 9 yo got large garbage bags and tried making a hot air balloon. He quickly discovered that it won't fly. While I was doing Chumash with 7 yo, he cut up and taped the bags into a large covering for the climber in the backyard. This used up a whole roll of tape. By the time the final product made it outside, it warped into a tent to be hung on the outside of the trampoline. 

paper bag kites

Then, while I was doing chumash with 9 yo, 7 yo brought in four more bugs. I gave him 4 dimes and he sat down to figure out how much is 10 percent of that for tzedakah. He pulled out Base Ten cubes, counted out 40 and divided them into 10 piles. He noticed that some had 3 and some had 4, so he recounted the total twice till he found his mistake. I was busy trying to nurse the whole time, so I was not supervising at all, just getting the report. Then he got the idea to see how much money there was in tzedakah boxes. By that point, 9 yo joined him. They opened up the boxes, spilled out the bounty and spent some time deciding on a strategy how to count this all up. There were over a hundred pennies, so the amount of coins to manipulate was significant. 3 yo joined them, just pushing the coins around.

tallying up tzedakah

Finally, they were ready to exchange the lower value coins into dollar bills. I keep a large assortment of sorted change for allowance, so this exchange was easy to facilitate. The boys decided to split the tzedakah between two shuls. They divided the total. I got them two envelopes. Here comes the cool part: 9 yo decided to write a small note of appreciation to the man who runs his Shabbos group and include it in the envelope. 7 yo, meanwhile, decided to label the envelope. This child spontaneously decided to write! and did not freak out when he was not sure how to spell! and stuck with it without tears! I was trying very hard to contain my excitement.

We dropped off both envelopes on the way to taekwondo. 7 yo and 3 yo went with me to both shuls' offices. We spoke briefly about how it is important to carry through whatever you decided to do and that it is good that we did not wait till Monday to drop off the envelopes.

It is funny: I have not discussed Rosh HaShana with the kids. They knew that we are in Elul, I did mention that we increase in tzedakah, and I bet that if I would have proposed the idea of counting all this money (or writing), they would have balked. All that I provided was time to carry out this enormous count and support in exchanging the coins and delivering the envelopes.