results of the evalution

Well, we've gotten the diagnosis. I have been mulling in my mind what to do with it, now that we have a piece of paper. In the good news, 7 yo is not depressed, does not have Asperger's ( I could have told that to anyone!) and has mild ADHD, mostly with hyperactive component. I was told that he would not need medication (more relief) and that kids tend to outgrow hyperactivity.

Now, to the parts that are not so clear-cut. He has anxiety. He also has a writing disorder, but since he scored so high in other categories (reading, reasoning, oral, vocabulary, comprehension), and basically did not perform the written test, it is not clear whether he has a true writing disorder, or his anxiety is taking over, so if his anxiety is quieted, he might be able to write. I was told to work on his anxiety, and then reevaluate his writing in a year, to see whether a disorder can be ruled out.

I have been provided with a list of recommendations. I looked over it and sighed. Set-in-stone alone time with each parent? I wish; what am I supposed to do with the rest of my kids, it is not like anyone is lining up to babysit them. I would love for my husband to take him out regularly to do stuff: get a hot chocolate, wrestle, learn, walk. But the life of OB-GYN and regularity do not mix.

Provide a quiet, uncluttered environment for his schoolwork: oh yes, the proverbial clean desk. He shares his room with two siblings right now, the kitchen table and dining room table are used by mutliple parties and for multiple purposes throughout the day, and he likes to work on the floor anyway. What about the rest of the kids? Maybe I should just get him ear plugs.

Another suggestion was to do breathing exercises, or develop mental techniques to calm his mind. I have taken yoga, so I tried to sit him down, teach him some slow breaths, close his eyes, relax. Except that last time I tried it, both 3 yo and the baby were trying to get into my lap, squealing. Not a relaxing atmosphere.

Focus on carrying out multi-step activities: Legos, puzzles. This kid was never interested in either. I asked him whether he wants to play with Legos alone, without his older meddling brother. He said, only if there are instructions, basically, if there is a new set. Over the past two years, the boys bought three different sets like that from Costco, but all the pieces were mixed up with the other Legos we own. That's how 9 yo plays: he is always inventing, tweaking, modifying. 7 yo is always watching. I went digging for some Legos and found a Lego knock-off that somebody gave us. Perfect: a complete set, with instructions. I felt insane telling 9 yo that he absolutely cannot tell his brother what to do, or how to build, that is part of his schoolwork. 9 yo sulked, and wished that he had play as part of his school. Well, 7 yo took a day, and just a tiniest bit of help, and build everything in the set. I asked him later, whether he enjoys playing with it. He said, no, I am done building it. Obviously, he just wanted to be guaranteed a finished product, and now that it's here, he's not interested any more. Sigh, I am pretty sure that's not what the psychologist had in mind. I am much more there with 9 yo and Miss Frizzle: take chances! Make mistakes! Build whatever you desire! (Just clean up at the end, please).

Back to the evaluation: I asked the psychologist outright if 7 yo would be better off in a school setting. He said that right now he would need to have anxiety taken care of before going into a new situation, Also, his writing would be an issue, but he kept talking about how high he scored in reading and general intelligence, so he is pretty sure that writing will be OK, long-term.

One of the suggestions that I really did not like was the whole positive reinforcement thing: give him a sticker chart, a reward jar, constantly dangle a carrot, give him M&Ms, praise and praise, make him feel that he's winning, and, somehow, he will perform. Arf, arf, good boy. I am just starting reading "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn, and this whole behaviorism thing is really grating me the wrong way. My oldest will jump through hoops for rewards. 7 yo is a different story. This is a kid who kept forgetting to get his davening treat (before his brother came home and reminded him all the time). This is a child who stubbornly refused to do a page to math, spent 5 hours hiding out in his room, and was willing to skip a much-anticipated playdate, all to avoid doing something that he deemed too hard. He does not CARE that much for rewards, especially of the little silly kind. He is not competitive, in fact, he shies away from any competition. I strongly doubt that this form of positive reinforcement is what is missing from his life. I do encourage him, and I do descriptive praise ( the dishes are all stacked up nicely; those words are spaced just right, it is so easy to read this line, etc.), but I hate the whole fake "Good job!" and excited applause thing.

In good news: we should continue with taekwondo, and provide physical outlets for his energy.

So what to do, what to do?

I feel stretched very thin, as it is. Worse, I am starting to get into the mindset that if my kids were in school they would be better off: less yelling, more learning, more structure, more discipline... I have four kids, each with their unique needs. One size does not fit all, but I am having hard time providing for each one what he/she needs. So, do I send the oldest back to school, to free up some time and attention for 7 yo? Do I look for a school program for 7 yo, hoping that they will give him right environment? Do I hire a tutor to work on his writing, one-on-one. hoping that they coax out his true writing abilities? Do I get a babysitter daily and use that time to focus just on 7 yo? Do I get him to a local psychologist to work on his anxiety? Do I go back to unschooling, and hope that once he relaxes enough and gets interested enough, writing will flow?

It is not easy. We are taking Chanukah off, and I am taking my time to think this over.

mishkan building

We did something crazy last night. My husband was home before dinner. I cannot recall last time THAT happened. In honor of Rosh Chodesh, we went out for pizza. Note to self: we cannot order just one pie any more. The kids clamored for soda/dessert/french fries. My husband suggested Krispy Kreme, which was met with great enthusiasm. As we were heading out, we noticed a thin sliver of a new moon and I remembered that a local science museum/observatory has open telescope on Thursday nights. Before, it was never a possibility: kids are too young, 7 yo has school early the next day, what about toddler, etc. But I thought and realized that the answer is: why not? It is literally 15 minutes from our house; if kids get cranky, we can head home and nobody has to wake up early the next morning.

The kids were beyond thrilled by the possibility. Well, by the time we got there, clouds rolled in. The telescope was not going to open till 9, and they were not sure whether the clouds would prevent viewing or not. They have nice free exhibits, on space and reptiles in addition to some dinosaurs and a bee hive. The boys explored those and 2 yo walked everywhere, looking at birds. Even though we did not get to use the telescope, it was a nice late outing.

This morning everyone slept in. 7 yo and 2 yo woke up by 7:30 and 5 yo slept in till after 9. So the morning got off to slow start. I consciously made effort last night not to overschedule erev shabbos. I decided to focus on the parsha. So I told 7 yo that we will learn it and build a mishkan out of legos. I also told him we will do chumash, read megillah, plant seeds and decorate our door for Adar (this joke was well received). He could not wait to get started and I kept holding him back, as I wanted to teach parsha only once, and 5 yo was still getting his sleepies out.

7 yo read the Megillah ( in English) and then said he is ready for Hagaddah. He got one down and started reading.

Then we started on the parshah. Since we were doing measurements, I figured why not measure out in real life how big everything in the mishkan was. We assumed that one ama is two feet. The boys liked using yardstick and measuring tape. I was blown away by the size of the objects. When you read that the planks were 10 amot and picture 20 feet, it is not the same as having to rearrange living room furniture to measure out 20 feet on the floor and then adding in width. 7 yo was obsessed with finding the perimeter of the aron, so we got math in too.

Then I got boys to clean up downstairs, so they can get all legos out to build a mishkan. 5 yo suggested using yellow for gold. 7 yo ended up doing all the building. I also had cut and paste page, with placing appropriate objects in various areas of the mishkan. That was more to 5 yo's liking. 7 yo drew a couple diagrams of where everything was, he likes making maps and charts.

After lunch, 2 yo went for a nap and we did chumash. Yesterday's pesukim went smoothly and today the only new word was sulfur. I googled it, to show what was raining down. Then he drew a small picture and asked to play computer games. I sent him downstairs and sat down to Yesh Lanu Lama. 5 yo wanted to know why can't play. I said that we need to do some work. He could do it, but tummy aches started again. I said that once he's done, we'll be doing a science experiment. That motivated him enough.

Then we planted seeds in egg cartons, one with closed lid and one with open lid. I gave them pinto beans and corn kernels. I asked them which ones they thought would sprout first. They said, the open ones. We'll keep our eyes open. Then they ran all over the yard, planting surplus seeds. This will not produce nice lawn...

Now the boys are coloring in parsha sheets. 7 yo pulled out 39 Melachot book to look up the color of "griffins" on the curtains.

Shabbat Shalom!